23. Hiding

Of course I had to start the conversation, but once I did Dawson admitted to the truth. I mean at least he admitted to using drugs. As far as everything else he said and his reasoning's who knows.

Dawson said he bought some pills off of a guy that has once worked with him. It was the same story as before and that was because he was in pain. When it came down to talking about the rolled up post it note and residue in the garbage he didn't admit to it. He claimed he didn't do it and Kyla was just out to cause problems for us because her fiancé was the one doing drugs and she just wanted to put the blame on Dawson. He said that she owed me an apology as well as three other people at Rosco's for putting me through stress and lying to me.

A part of me believed him and I don't know why. Maybe its because I loved him so much and was so blind to what was going on around me. He was so good at making me just fall for his stories and forgive him. Dawson could do no wrong in my eyes. I constantly made excuses for him.

Dawson and I decided to stay together and not break up for good. I asked him if we should take a step back and break off the engagement and he told me no. He still wanted to marry me. I knew I couldn't tell Kyla I went back to him, she would be so angry with me. My sister would be disappointed in me as well and I definitely knew my dad would lose it on me. I had to hide it and not let anyone know we were staying together. I would eventually tell them but I wanted to make it look like we slowly worked things out and didn't just jump right into it.

This day was the day I started living a double life. Full of lies and sadness. I didn't realize at the time that by trying to please everyone else I was only going to destroy my own life.

Kyla asked me how things went and I told her it was fine and that we didn't speak. I hated myself for lying to her but I felt like I had to. She was pregnant and already stressed out, I didn't want to add to it.

A day or two later I picked Dawson up from work and we just hung out and talked all night. The next night I went to dinner with Miranda because I hadn't seen her in a couple months. While we were at dinner Kyla called. I wasn't going to answer because I was at dinner but I thought it could be important so I answered. She just asked me what I was up to and then asked me why I picked Dawson up from work the day before. I knew someone had to of told her when they saw Dawson get in my car. I told her I picked him up because he wanted to talk. She immediately got rude and told me I was being an idiot and that she wasn't going to be around to listen to me cry over him and then immediately jump back into his arms. She said she was having a baby and that she didn't want Dawson near her child. I wanted to cry but I just said okay and hung up.

That phone call and my decision to lie to her was the first fight Kyla and I ever had. We didn't talk for a week or so and I was really upset over it. I was sitting at Dawsons and I just started talking about the fact I hadn't spoken with Kyla and even though Dawson despised her and her fiancé at this point he encouraged me to try and talk to her. I sent her a text and I cant even remember what it said, but when she replied back it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She was still so mad at me and the only thing I even remember was responding saying that I wasn't going to continue the conversation because I didn't want to say something I would regret.

That was it. I instantly starting crying hysterically. Dawson just held me and told me that he was sure we would work it out. I just knew we could never be us again.

----Kyla and I didn't speak to each other for a year after this day. I was so angry with her for just giving up on me, but I was just as much as fault. I let her go. I lost the only person who was ever my true soulmate. I missed her give birth to her daughter, the most important day of her life.

Not a day went by in that year that I didn't think about her. I cried almost every time I did think about her. I would try and talk to Dawson about it but the majority of the time he would get annoyed. He just told me that she walked out of my life. He reminded me that I tried and she still left. So eventually I stopped talking about her to him. Kyla and I have matching tattoos so anytime i felt like i needed her i just looked at my arm and smiled. No matter what I always had that small connection with her, even if i would never talk to her again.----

Being with Dawson again I felt like things could only get better. How much worse could it get? He wanted to look for a new job because he said everyone there was lying about him and causing me pain. Things only became harder after I went back to him. We did have many good days, but the good days are hard to part from the bad.

 I would never be myself again..that much I know.

22. Trying to Walk Away

Walking away that day seemed even harder than the last time I did.

I honestly didn't believe I could ever possibly feel as much pain as I did the June before when Dawson first relapsed, but I was wrong. I loved Dawson so much that every new day I spent with him I loved him a little more each day whenever each day I didn't think it was possible to love him more. So walking away hit me even harder this time.

Having the man you are engaged to and planned your life with look you in the eye and lie with no guilt is an excruciating experience.

I knew when I went home I had to wipe my tears and not let my dad find out. The last thing I wanted was for my family to find out again. I wanted to handle it on my own with the exception of Kyla and Devlin. I hid in my room and cried under my covers so nobody would hear me. Dawson wouldn't talk to me and that was awful for me. He wouldn't even give me an explanation for why he did what he did. I text Kyla and told her what was going on, and she was not surprised. She knew he had been using, and she did try and warn me. A couple days went by and I went to Kyla's house. We sat and talked and she explained to me that enough was enough. I needed to walk away and move on before things got worse.
I nodded my head yes and repeated that I knew she was right. She encouraged me to talk to my dad because if I did that then it would push me to really leave. I knew I needed to listen to her. My life wasn't getting better. Just because I loved Dawson he still made no progress on saving money or getting a car let alone his license.
Kyla told me that if I didn't leave him that he would continue to hurt me and lie. If he wasn't going to change for his kids, then he wasn't going to change for me. She also feared I might one day start using as well because of Dawson's influence. Hearing that scared me.

It had been about 5 days since I walked out on Dawson. He wasn't talking to me and I couldn't make him. I could barely eat and I was dropping weight from all the stress as well as lack of food. I told my sister what was going on and as I left for work one morning I got to the end of my road and pulled over and text my dad. I told him I was pretty sure Dawson was on drugs again and I wanted to leave him but I didn't feel strong enough to so I asked my dad if he could find a counselor for me to help me get through this. He just replied back telling me he would find a psychiatrist that was covered by our insurance. I went to my sisters the next night and stayed for the weekend. I missed Dawson so much and all I wanted was to be with him But how would we ever move on from this when he couldn't even admit he had a problem?

My sister and her fiancé took me to dinner and they were really trying to help me cheer up but they knew nothing they could say or do could change the way I felt. I have a lot of respect for Kassi biting her tongue that weekend. I know she wanted to yell and say I told you so, but she didn't. She was just there for me. Kyla and Devlin both text me every day to check in with me.

What nobody knew is that the entire weekend at my sisters Dawson and I were texting. We weren't texting all day every day but at least a couple times a day. He told me he missed me and I told him I loved him. We really thought this would be the end of us so we were speaking to each other in a way that we were saying goodbyes. I didn't want anyone to know I was talking to him because I honestly couldn't handle an ounce of judgement or one more lecture.

8 days went by and I lost close to 10 pounds...no idea how that was possible to this day.
I decided to ask Dawson if I could come and get my things from his apartment. Kyla knew I was going there and she advised me to grab it and walk away. That ended up not being very difficult. When I knocked on the door Dawson opened it and handed me my things without a word. I just grabbed them and said thank you and turned and walked to my car. As soon as I got to my car I just sat there in shock. Why didn't he stop me from walking away? He said he loved me and missed me yet he did nothing.
I'm the one who needed to leave him, but something in my heart wouldn't let me leave. So I text him from in my car and asked him if we could talk...he said yes and I walked right back into his apartment and he was sitting on the couch.

I just looked at him with tears filling my eyes and I sat down.

It was silent for a minute, and then everything just spilled out...

VIDEO DIARY 1

Video Diary Link

21. Becoming Distant

When March came things started to change.

I applied for a job at a golf course and got it. I was still going to be working at Finish Line but I needed more of an income. The golf course was only two minutes from Dawson's apartment and work so it would be really convenient for us to see each other more often.

I was really excited to start the job but I couldn't for a few weeks because we were waiting on the course to open since it was closed for the winter. In this time of waiting things between Kyla and I were getting weird.
We didn't talk as often and when I saw her she just seemed annoyed. It was completely awkward and I didn't know why. Kyla and I were like sisters so it was completely odd that we didn't have much to talk about. I would ask her how she was feeling since she was about 5 months pregnant and she was always short with her answers. I thought maybe she was just going through basic hormonal changes with the pregnancy so I tried not to think to much about it.

Dawson and I were doing well. We were having arguments often about little things but it was never anything huge. He was still having kidney issues and he never wanted to do much because he was often in pain.
My job began and I was working a lot and I loved it. April rolled around and Kyla and I barely talked. I knew I was busy and that she was busy so I told her we would try and make plans when it worked for us both. Dawson got in touch with an old friend he had once lived with names Jake. I was excited to meet him because this was the one friend I heard Dawson talk about that didn't use drugs.

Jake came over to Dawson's apartment one day and I got to meet him. He seemed like an okay guy but as always I was leery about him. He was spending a lot of time with him and I wasn't sure how I felt about it cause it seemed like he was always with Jake but a part of me felt like he was lying. One night we were supposed to hang out and Dawson just completely blew me off and said he was going to out with Jake and they were not going to make it back. He wasn't answering any of his calls or texts and I was getting extremely upset. I didn't hear back from him until 2 AM and by that point I was too upset with him to even talk to him.

The very next day I had to work until about 8PM. Dawson asked me to come over after work and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to see him. I ended up going even though I was so upset with him. When I got there Jake's car was in the parking lot and I was immediately annoyed. When I went in Dawson grabbed me and said he was so sorry for the night before and that he didn't plan on being out that late and Jake also apologized. Dawson had made me dinner, bought me dragon roses, and wrote me a note. These roses were the most beautiful roses I had ever received. I instantly put my hands over my face and started crying. I couldn't believe he did all of this for me as an apology. In the year and four months we were together he never went out of his way to make me feel so important. Jake left us to be alone and I just looked at Dawson and thanked him for showing me how much I mattered.

It felt really great to know that he owned up for making a mistake and I didn't have to beg him for one. He also didn't make me feel like I needed to be sorry for anything and usually when we fought somehow it always came back to being my fault but this time it wasn't.

Everything was good, but a part of me still felt strange. The amounts of time Dawson said he was with Jake just didn't add up. I felt like something was going on and Kyla acting strange was also not helping.

Kyla and I got to talk and she was not happy. She told me that she had saw something that really bothered her. She told me Dawson was taking a lot of bathroom breaks and when she went into the bathroom after him one day there was a rolled up post it note in the garbage and a can of snuss. She took the can out of the garbage and she said there was white residue in it. She was completely sure he was doing pills. She said he had been acting weird for weeks and having mood swings at work and that's why she had been so distant. She was irritated with him and didn't want to take it out on me.
I wanted to believe her but at the same time things were good and I didn't want to ruin it over suspicions. I told her I would look into it.

I asked Dawson numerous times if he was taking any pills, or possibly using again. He told me repeatedly that he wasn't so I believed him. At least I pretended to believe him. I trusted Kyla too much. I eventually just told Dawson what Kyla told me and he got angry. He wanted to flip out on her but I begged him not to. He made me believe if anyone was doing pills in that bathroom it was Kyla's fiancé . Dawson told me he had offered him pills many times before but he always said no. He said he didn't want to worry me and that's why he never mentioned it.

I had worked at finish line one day and I had text Dawson and asked him If I could swing by after work and he said he was going to nap and let me know when he got up. It was around 1pm and I was getting done at 2pm. When I got off work I called him and he didn't answer. I tried a couple more times in case he was sleeping I would wake him, but still no answer. I decided I would just drive over there and knock on the door. So I did. When I got there nobody answered the door. I was starting to get upset. I knew he wasn't home. I went home and tried to wait it out. I sent him many texts and tried to call. He finally text me a little after 4pm and said he just woke up. I told him I knew he was lying and that he wasn't home, so then he called me. He was out of breath and said no I was not napping, and that he went to look at an apartment for us and wanted it to be a surprise. I told him I didn't believe him because it does not take over 2 hours to look at an apartment. He kept trying to reassure me but I knew he was lying. He eventually just got irritated with me and hung up on me. I had a drug test I had bought months before. I text him and told him I wanted him to take this test because I knew he was using again and that if he didn't take it I would leave him. I was a train wreck.
He just kept telling me I was crazy and he had to go to work and that he didn't have time for this. I went to his work and we were talking in private. I knew the minute I looked at him he was on drugs. I grabbed his phone off of him and got to his messaged before he ripped it out of my hand. I saw some random number talking about meeting at sheetz. I was down on my knees crying begging him to take the test. He grabbed the test and said he would but after I needed to leave him alone and that we were done because he wasn't on drugs. He walked to the bathroom and I followed and then instantly he said he didn't have to go and he would take it that evening. I knew right then he was dirty. After being on house arrest and probation for so many years he could take a test on the spot at any time. I begged him to tell me the truth but he wouldn't.
Looking in his eyes I swear it was pure evil. I started to walk away with what little dignity I had left and I turned and looked at him and I said that he wouldn't get another chance. He said nothing other than to just leave, and I walked out.

I felt nothing but fear of the man I had just looked at.

Did I really have to go through this again?

20. Valentines Day

Valentines Day was creeping up, and I wanted to have the most romantic night.

Our previous Valentines Day, we didn't do anything for it because Dawson had just got off house arrest a few days before so we had nothing planned, except I did surprise him by decorating his house with streamers and rose petals, which Kyla helped me with.
 So this year was a big deal to me.

I had tried to make plans with Dawson for it in advance, but unfortunately like any other time he had to work. I was really disappointed we weren't going to be going anywhere but I didn't want to show it. I made it look like it was no big deal and that we would just hang out and watch a movie after he got off work.

Valentines Day came and he told me he would have a surprise for me so I got extremely excited. I didn't know what it was going to be considering he had to work all night. When he came home he brought us food and had something extra for me. He was reluctant on giving it to me because he was embarrassed. He said he attempted to make me fried dough shaped like a rose, but it just didn't turn out very edible or the way he hoped for. I could tell it was cut out like the opening of a rose. I was happy and I thought he put a lot of effort into trying to make something for me. It was a sweet gesture that I truly appreciated.

That was one thing I really loved about Dawson, even without having the money to buy me things he always tried to be creative.

We had a great night and just being there with him knowing he loved me was better than going out to dinner with the entire city.

        Although I was happy to have him and his thoughtfulness, I felt a little bit of sadness deep down. I guess I was just a little jealous of the girls all over social media posting pictures of their dozens of roses and chocolate along with the diamonds. Its not like I needed those things but after being together for two valentines days and not getting even so much as a card hurt a bit. I know Dawson was busy and didn't have a car to go to the store and do those kinds of things for me so I had to be okay with it.

I didn't want to be the kind of girl who needs gifts or flowers or anything. I just wanted to give as much as I could and be as selfless as possible. That's who I wanted to be and that's just who I was our entire time together. Dawson gave me love and acceptance to be myself. He appreciated who I was and looked at me like I was flawless. I wouldn't want to jeopardize any of that over not getting flowers every month or even just a special occasion. I had what I needed, or so I thought.

Everyone always beat into my head that I needed a man who could provide for me, that I could lean on for anything and everything. I did whatever I could to prove that I didn't need any of that. I didn't need a man to provide for me because I could provide for myself. All I needed was someone that loved me, and I had that. That was good enough.

Dawson and I weren't normal. We were going to prove everybody's doubts wrong. Dawson believed in us and he always said we might not have these things today, or tomorrow, but I wont stop working until I can give you the world. I trusted he would do just that.

So with that, Valentines Day and my inch of sadness weren't relevant. I would one day have more and I would know that missing out on the average experiences most girls get would all be worth it.

Dawson might not of financially been able to take care of me, but I could take care of him as much as I could. His birthday was only weeks away and I was planning on something that would make him ecstatic.

( BREAK)

If you love my blog, and my story...

Make sure y'all go to....

jimandzope.com

....tomorrow night ( Monday January 25th) for 7PM ( 6cPM). I will be on the show and you can listen in live. Just go to their listen live tab or their media tab.

I'll be talking about the blog and why I started it. Ya might even get a sneak peak as to what is to come in my story.

Also, thanks so much for caring enough about what I have to say by reading daily :)

And don't forget, If you cant listen live you can always listen later on

http://www.podcastgarden.com/episode/chapter-42-the-jenna-and-kassi-giggle-factory_68932

19. Reasoning

Some details need to be filled in...

I should explain a little bit about Dawson's situation and history before I get into Valentines Day.

Dawson obviously started over when he quit his job that we worked together. He was paying child support from the income he had over a year ago. At this point he was not making nearly what he had used to so his child support was 70% of his paycheck. He had enough money to pay rent a month and maybe $100 to spare. It wasn't much after groceries and a phone bill. So it was almost next to impossible for him to take me out and buy me things, let alone him to save money. He didn't file for a decrease in payment of child support right away because he wanted to do what he could for his kids.

He really loved his kids and he missed them so much. He felt like after his relapse and being away from them for so long it was best for him not to be in and out of their lives. He knew he didn't have a place for them to stay and couldn't really do much for them on the money he was living off of. He did what he thought was best at the time.
He really didn't talk much about the kids to me because I know it was breaking his heart. It was easier for him to avoid it than to deal with it, like he did with many issues.

It got to the point where Dawson could barely take care of the things he needed to with the money he had so he filed for a decrease in child support and got it. It wasn't a large decrease but it was enough that he could take better care of himself.

With Dawson paying so much in child support, he was seeing next to no money. He needed health insurance because of how badly his kidney issues were getting. He was constantly in the hospital with either a kidney stone stuck or an infection. The doctors barely treated him without insurance and he couldn't afford the antibiotics. I tried to help him pay for what I could but we needed him to get insurance. He filed many times and got denied through welfare because he made too much money.
On paper it said he made too much, but after child support he couldn't pay for insurance on top of his rent and groceries. Welfare doesn't take child support into consideration. So he was stuck, but he kept trying. He spoke with many people that work at the hospital and they even helped him with paperwork. Dawson eventually got approved for insurance but it was $35 a month. As much as he didn't want to pay for it, he did because his health was at risk.

Being in pain constantly was a big factor in why he had a difficult time staying clean. He did his best and fought against as much pain as he could. I do believe he tried to fight off his cravings in the beginning. It seemed like he truly cared about his sobriety.

Dawson was an amazing person. He did as much as he could for me. He was a gentlemen and he would hand me the shirt off his back if I were cold. He always opened the door for me anytime we went anywhere. He made me playlists of songs that made him think of me. He always knew how to make me feel like I was the only girl in the world. I loved him so very much.

Its important to know who Dawson was. He was a kind, caring, loving, devoted, understanding, respectful, positive person. He loved his children with his whole heart and wanted them to only ever be taken care of in the best way possible. He loved me without a doubt.

So when I write about things that he has done that hurt me, that isn't to make him into a bad guy. Like I said before, good people do bad things.

It doesn't define them.... and Dawson was a great man.

18. Our First Christmas

Dawson and I decided we were going to wait till after Christmas to announce our engagement.

I didn't want to upset anyone on Christmas in case they weren't happy about our engagement. I figured I would wait until the next day to tell my mom and hopefully have the courage to tell my dad.
We celebrated Christmas at my moms house.
Kassi, my sister, was very nice towards Dawson despite how angry she still was with him. Before the whole family arrived, my sister and I were in the bathroom and she could just tell I was hiding something. She knew exactly what was going on and she was not happy about it. She was more upset with the fact that I didn't tell her the minute I got engaged. I told her I knew how upset she was with Dawson and I just wanting to enjoy the moment before I had to tell everyone. We talked more about it and she eventually hugged me and told me she would support me. I was so relieved my sister knew. Not telling her right away wasn't easy for me.

The family came over and we ate dinner and exchanged gifts. Dawson and I were so happy. It was a perfect holiday and our first Christmas together.

A couple days later I decided I had to suck it up and tell my mom. I went to her house before work and we sat down to talk. I remember fidgeting a lot with my hands and my voice was shaky. I told her I needed to tell her something and that I really didn't want her to be upset. She said okay and I just blurted it out and immediately started crying saying how I didn't want her to be mad or disappointed because I was really happy and I just wanted her to be happy for me. She hugged me and said she had a feeling I was going to tell her that. She asked to see my ring and told me it was beautiful. My mom was definitely worried but trying to be as kind and supportive as she could be. She asked me if I told my dad yet and I said no and that I was scared to. She basically told me that I needed to tell him sooner than later, and she was right.

So I planned to tell him that evening after work.

When I went home that night I sat down on the couch and told my dad that Dawson had proposed to me. The first thing out of my dads mouth was.."and what did you say?" He looked really angry. I told him I said yes but its not like we were going to get married right away. My dad was not happy, he told me that its completely ridiculous and he would never ever support it. I cried a little but I knew what he was going to tell me before I said anything so I was already prepared. I was waiting for my dad to start screaming at me, I knew it was coming. But he didn't. He just looked at me with extreme disappointment and walked away.

I went to my room and I just cried. I knew it was going to be hard to tell my dad, but I didn't realize how much his disapproval was going to break my heart.

I wanted my dad to love Dawson just as much as I did, but it wasn't going to happen.
Atleast my friends, mom, and sister would support me. I also thought about how once my dad would see how well things were going he would come around.

Things were great, other than my dads disapproval, and I wanted to set a date. Dawson wanted a 3 year engagement and I only wanted 2. However, after Dawson explained to me that we financially didn't have the money to plan a wedding and pay for it within 2 years I accepted 3. We decided on May 21st, 2016.

I was thrilled! I started to pick out colors and look at venues just because I wanted to know exactly how much we would need to save. We also started a wedding jar and each of us put $20 in a week.

I was happy for awhile, but nobody was taking our engagement seriously. Not one person in my family called to congratulate us and that was very annoying. A month went by and still nobody had said anything to us. My sister got engaged in January, and immediately everyone was blowing up her phone congratulating her and asking a million questions. It really hurt my feelings that she had every bit of attention and I had none. It wasn't her fault, but I still felt upset with her.

Kassi called me to talk to me because she knew my feelings were hurt. She tried to explain to me why more people were paying attention to her and not thinking anything about my engagement. She was going to get married that Septemeber and our plans were for more in the future, and she was also dating her fiancé for many years. I understood but it didn't make me feel any better about it.

I always felt like I was in the shadow of my sister. She was popular and I wasn't, she was the smart one and I was the dumb one. She made prom court in high school and had guys always chasing after her, and I couldn't even get a date. I just wanted to be in the spotlight for once, and it wasn't going to happen.
I couldn't blame her for any of it. She deserved the perfect engagement.

Valentines Day was only a month away, and I wanted to have the most romantic night with Dawson, so I got myself into an exciting state. I needed to ignore the engagements and focus on something else.

 Little did I know Valentines Day wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it to.

17. A Moment In Time

You would think that after so many terrible things happened, there would have to be an end to it. No, there wasn't an end to it.

Now don't get me wrong, we had some great times too. I'd like to tell you that he took me on many dates and bought me flowers all the time, and just surprised me with silly things like every girl wants in a relationship. That wasn't us. I paid 98% of the time if we went out somewhere. He didn't take me anywhere because he had no car. I'm not materialistic so things like that weren't too important to me at first. Dawson didn't buy me flowers or things like that because he never had extra money. He would cook for me and write me poems and that was enough for me. As long as I knew I was loved I was okay. Every time I would see him he would have the biggest smile on his face and hug me like it was the last time he'd ever see me. We had a lot of romance and love. We just didn't get the normal relationship like most people have.

By the time this thing happened with the incident at his work it was October of 2013, and we were together for just about 10 months. Dawson was different and he was having lots of kidney issues so I knew he was in pain and I never wanted him to fill his narcotic prescriptions so he wouldn't. Dawson was almost 4 months clean when he relapsed again. Now it wasn't a relapse in the sense that it was the time before but he did slip up and buy a few oxys off the street. He came clean to me about it on his own. He said his kidney pain was unbearable and he couldn't fill his prescription because I would get upset. He said he didn't buy them to get high and it was strictly for pain. Either way it was a relapse to him and to me. He was dependent on those pain pills and once it started it wasn't going to stop. I was glad he came to me before it got out of control again. I was also really upset because he had to start all over again.

Not too long after that Kyla asked me to come over her house to hang out. When I got there she said that she thought she was pregnant because she was late. We went to the store to get a test.
She was pregnant! I was so nervous for her but excited at the same time. We always promised each other that whenever one of us got pregnant the other would try. Only I knew I couldn't follow through with that promise. Dawson and I were not ready for a baby.

All of November Dawson and I worked on our relationship and our communication. We were getting along so well and we were happier than ever. Kyla was amazing during all of my issues with Dawson. She was always right by my side supporting me. Whatever I wanted that's what she wanted, and whatever I needed, she was there to help. When I needed to cry, she was there. When I just wanted to talk about how happy I was, she was there cheering me on. She truly was my biggest fan, and I was hers.

Both her and I wanted our boyfriends to eventually propose. She was having a baby with hers, but even without the baby he was the one for her. She wanting to marry him regardless. I wanted to marry Dawson, I knew that from day one. When you meet the one, you just know without any doubts.

December came before we knew it and everything was still going well. Kyla was just a month pregnant and Dawson and I were still going strong. I had a feeling Dawson was going to propose on our one year (December 28th). I was telling everyone that I felt like it was coming. Well everyone except for my family. I knew Dawson wasn't going to get my fathers permission and that definitely killed what I always hoped for, but life wasn't going as I planned and I didn't expect anything to pan out like I dreamt of. One thing I knew was that no matter how or when he proposed it was going to be special to me. I also knew that I wasn't going to get that dream ring due to our financial situation but that didn't matter to me either. I just wanted to marry him.

December 23rd came and we were going to go Christmas shopping at the mall. Dawson was acting really strange the entire car ride to the mall. I was worried something had happened and honestly it wouldn't of surprised me. Things were going so well and every time things were good, something ruined it.

We got to the mall and I parked. Dawson just got out of the car before I turned it off. I wasn't ready to get out yet so I took my time. When I got out I turned and shut my door, and when I turned to him he was down on one knee. I just started smiling because I thought he was screwing with me. He pulled out a box and looked at me and said
"This isn't how I wanted to do this, but I cant wait another day. Jenna, I love you and I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me?"
I was just smiling from ear to ear and I remember saying
"Are you serious, no this isn't real, wait are you for real?"
He said yes and I just asked him like 2 or 3 more times if he was serious. I didn't want to get too excited cause he had pranked me a few times in the past to make me thing he was going to propose.
He was still down on one knee and he said
"Baby its really cold can you please answer me?"
I just yelled yes, and there were two people across the parking lot watching. He put the ring on my finger and I didn't even look at it. I just grabbed him and kissed him about 100 times. This was the best moment of my life. It wasn't romantic in any way but he was the love of my life and I was engaged to him. When we got inside he asked me if I was going to look at my ring so I did and he apologized to me that it wasn't as big as I wanted but he told me we could trade up over time. I just told him I loved it and I didn't care because I truly didn't. The first thing I did was send Kyla a picture. She was so happy for me. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

We went into Finish Line and I threw my hand up in the air and showed Tim, he was so happy for us. Having that support was everything.

All of the hell I went through paid off and I could finally live out my dream with the man of my dreams. If I could go back to that day and just be there with him in that happiness and never let that go, I would.

That happiness and that security wasn't going to last once I had to tell me family. Telling them we were engaged, well that terrified me.

16. Confrontation

Have you ever had this feeling in your stomach that just took over your body?

All you want to do is throw up, because the fear of hearing what you think you know is almost too overwhelming that the only option you have is to either face it and potentially be even more sick than you already are, or ignore it and have this constant feeling in your gut.

That's how I felt the entire night before I faced this teenage girl at Rosco's. Dawson had no idea that I was going to ask her. I needed to know the truth because I had this feeling Dawson wasn't being honest. And if he did do what I was told, then I would consider that cheating. There should never be any physical contact with another girl, ever. It's inexcusable. I told Kyla I was going to ask her just so I could put these accusations to rest.

The next evening I drove Dawson to work. We both went in and he headed up to the bathroom. I asked the girl to come over to my bench I was sitting at and I looked her dead in the eyes and told her that I had a Facebook message I wanted her to read and I wanted to know her response to it...so she read it.
When she finished reading she looked at me, I could see fear in her eyes. She said I am so sorry but its true. She then started to ramble on about how nice of a person I am and that I didn't deserve it but she didn't know how to tell me. I looked at her and told her that she's 16 and it wasn't her fault. He was her boss and in a situation like that it can be extremely uncomfortable. I asked her if she would confront Dawson with me and she said yes. We walked up towards the bathroom and she was scared and shaking. As he walked out of the bathroom, he just stopped dead in his tracks and I said so you did do it.
He didn't say a word he just bolted outside. I followed him and I was on the verge of tears and I said how could you do this? He started yelling at me and said now he couldn't go back in there because I made his job uncomfortable. I cried and yelled that he cheated on me. He just walked away quickly and headed towards his house.

His roommate came outside and he knew exactly what was going on. I was crying and I asked him what to do. He told me that if he had the chance to be in love and have the happiness Dawson and I had he wouldn't throw it away over something that might not be as big of a deal as what I think. He also told me that he shouldn't have slapped her butt, but it didn't mean that he thought anything of it.

I went up to Dawsons apartment and he was angry and upset. He asked why I had to do that at his work. I told him exactly why...It was the only chance I was going to have to ask her what happened. I knew that when he was talking to me that he was hiding something. Dawson then looked at me and broke down. He started crying and he told me that he only lied to me to protect me. He said it wasn't sexual and he didn't mean it in that sense. He said that it happens a lot down there and he isn't the only one who does it. That it only happened that one time and after he did it he realized he shouldn't have.

I believed him. He seemed like he really meant it and that he was sorry. I told him that I had just started trusting him again and now that trust is broken. I didn't want him working with her either. He said he would try his best to make sure they weren't scheduled together but it was more than likely going to be impossible to do that every day.

I knew it wasn't her fault, but for some reason I got angry with her and wanted her to be fired. Seeing her face only reminded me of it.

The trust that I was building back for Dawson was completely broken yet again. The drugs were painful for me, but cheating was a different kind of pain. I know it wasn't cheating in a lot of peoples eyes, but from my view I considered it just that.
I didn't know it then but I was never going to be able to trust Dawson again no matter how much I wanted to.

That night destroyed every ounce of faith I had in him, and I wasn't going to fully get that back.

15. Take Two

Dawson moving in with Kalina was a good step for us to take.

I could trust her and I knew he would stay out of trouble being somewhere safe. He went to work every day, and came home every night. Everything was on track. I still didn't tell my dad I was seeing Dawson again, I was too scared to. Every time I would go to his house I would just tell my dad I was going to Kalina's. He didn't know Dawson lived with her though. I felt bad hiding the truth from him but at the time I felt like I had no other option.

I quit my job shortly after Dawson moved in with Kalina. I couldn't stand being there anymore. It was extremely stressful and my boss was constantly upsetting me. I ended up getting hired at Finish Line as well. I was shocked when Tim called to hire me because I was almost positive I bombed that interview.

My best friend Kyla and her boyfriend needed a job, so Dawson hooked them both up with one at Rosco's. I was so excited because my best friend and boyfriend could spend more time together and a part of me knew that Kyla would keep an eye on him for me.

At this time Kalina was pregnant and she was not working, so she had just scraped by the month and a half  Dawson was there. Eventually it got to the point where she had to move out because she needed to do what was best for her and try and get back on track financially for the baby. So once again we were struggling to figure out where Dawson was going to go. A kid he worked with lived just a few blocks away from where Dawson and Kalina were. He had a spare room and was struggling to pay his rent so he invited Dawson to take the room. This kid had no drug issues although he was a recovering alcoholic. That would be perfect for Dawson because there would be a common ground and someone who could help him through any dark times.

We moved him into there towards the end of August. Dawson was happy and healthy and he really enjoyed working for Rosco.
Nothing negative really happened for awhile, everything was going as planned and after a certain amount of time I told my dad I was seeing Dawson again.

That didn't go as well as I hoped. My dad was livid. He lectured me and yelled at me and told me he would never be welcomed in our house. I didn't ever argue to much with my dad, I usually would just respond with okay because I didn't want to fight. I accepted the fact my dad hated Dawson but I also hoped with the progress Dawson would make that my dad would come around.
My mom was very accepting of Dawson as always, and my sister was not excited about me being with him. When he hurt me, it killed my family to see me in such a horrible place. My sister just wanted to protect me so she wasn't as forgiving to Dawson as I was.

The people I worked with at Finish Line were all amazing and very caring. Tim always asked about Dawson and I. He cared a lot about all of his staff and always wanted to make sure we were happy. I worked with a girl named Callie sometimes who I'm pretty sure hated me. My managers were all super cool and fun to be around.

Summer was coming to an end and Dawson was now 3 months clean. I was so proud of him.

Mid October Kyla asked me to go to dinner with her. She told me that she needed to talk to me about Dawson. I just knew she was about to tell me something I didn't want to hear and I instantly got sick to my stomach. Now Kyla was my best friend since7 years old so I knew whatever she was about to tell me had to of been something she was sure of.

She told me she had heard that Dawson was slapping a girls ass that worked there...a 16 year old girl in fact. She told me this girl had personally talked to her because she knew he was dating me and thought it was wrong and it made her uncomfortable. Not only did Kyla tell me this but I had also received a Facebook message from one of Dawson's co-manager's girlfriend. I didn't trust the girl who sent me the message because she was a huge jealous bitch. But when Kyla told me, I had to believe it. We were sitting at dinner and I just looked at Kyla and she new from looking at me that I wasn't okay, not even in the slightest. My hands were shaking and I text Dawson and said..
"We need to talk"

Kyla encouraged me to get his side of the story before I lost my mind on him. After we left dinner I immediately drove to Dawson's.
I showed him the Facebook message but didn't tell him Kyla told me. Dawson looked me in the eye and swore to me that it wasn't true.
I was so relieved and I really did want to believe him but I still had my doubts. I needed to ask the girl herself if he really did slap her butt.

I needed to know, so I planned on confronting her that next day when Dawson went into work.

14. Facing Anger

I had to face Jay. I had to work with him. I had no choice.

Dawson no longer worked with me and that also crushed me. He was the only thing I enjoyed about work every day. He made work bearable.
Going to work was really difficult for me. I had only worked a day or two since everything had happened. Each day I had to go to work was a struggle. Everything there reminded me of Dawson. The first time we kissed. The first time we held hands. Even just falling in love, everything started at work. Now I had to work with the man who ruined my relationship. I blamed Jay for everything and I would never forgive him. I truly hated him, and I still do to this day.

I went into work and Jay was in the kitchen. I did my best to stay out of the kitchen and not to talk to him. When I would go in to pick up my food from the window, I would not look at him or acknowledge him. Every ounce of my body was just wanting to go crazy. I wanted to scream at him and throw things at him. I wanted him to quit so badly so I never had to see his face again.
I knew it was just a matter of time before I caught him sneaky around with drugs. So I waited till I had the opportunity to catch him. Every time he went outside for a smoke break I would time him or keep an eye out to catch him doing something.

My boss actually personally handed me the money Jay owed me days before pay-day. He told me that I shouldn't ever give a guy like that money and that he didn't want me to lose the little bit of money I had left and that he would take the hit.
So when pay-day came around my boss took Dawson's check and deducted all the money he owed everyone out of it. Turns out Dawson had borrowed money off of several people at work without my knowledge. So Dawson was left with about $180. I didn't think it was fair that they took the money Jay owed me out of Dawson's check and Dawson was furious over it. Dawson's brother was also a cook at our work so our boss gave the cash to him to deliver to Dawson. Dawson never saw any of that money because his brother never gave him it. He acted like he gave it to their mother to hold onto for him but when Dawson asked for his pay, they didn't have it and had no idea what he was talking about. I witnessed all of it and I couldn't even believe his brother would screw him out of the money that he worked over 45 hours a week for.

Jay got off scott free and that was complete bullshit. He ruined my happiness and I was going to make sure he couldn't be happy either. It didn't take long before Jay slipped up, maybe one to two days I believe. He told the bartender he was going outside and 15 minutes went by and he still didn't come back in. I told my boss how his truck wasn't there and that he left. I knew exactly where he was going. To buy heroin down the road from our work. When he came back he was questioned about why he left and he came up with a lie, but it didn't matter. He got fired.
I felt such a relief, he was gone and I could learn to be okay again. Dawson and I could try and fix things and I wouldn't have to worry about Jay getting in the way.

Dawson and I communicated as much as possible. He started his treatment which was outpatient and he went 3 times a week. He was doing great with it and he really felt like it was helping him realize why he ever started using to begin with. We needed to find him somewhere to live now that he couldn't pay another months rent. I called a good friend of mine, Kalina, who lived alone but had a spare room. She said he could move in as long as he did his part, kept drugs out of the house, and paid half the rent. It was perfect because it was right down the street from Rosco's business. Dawson had started that job a few days after Rosco brought him home. Once we found him a place, we had to talk to the landlords.

That was going to be a lot more difficult than I anticipated it to be.
They wouldn't return my emails, and when they did they were very short with me and rude. There was a loophole in the lease that if they told us to leave we could. In one of the emails our one landlord stated we could move out, but then the very next email contradicted the last one stating how we signed a lease and we cant just up and leave. I told the landlord we would be happy to go to court because I had email proof that they allowed us to void our lease. They had a tenant ready to move in but once it fell through they took back what they said. That wasn't our fault, they originally said we could leave and we would get back our deposit however it would be pro-rated. I had all the proof I needed to win the case if they did decide to take it to court. They ended up letting us void the lease after-all.

Moving the rest of the things out of the apartment was heart breaking. Just a month ago we were moving in and I was happy, and now its just an empty apartment filled with sad memories.

We were right back to square one, and I had to figure out how I was going to trust Dawson again.

13. Support

Walking up our stairs I was nervous yet anxious.

Dawson was sitting on the floor in the living room. He was covered in sweat and a little shaky. I asked him how he was feeling and he was honest with me. He barely slept, and he was in and out of the bathroom. It had been two days since he last used.

I didn't like seeing him this way but I knew this was just the beginning and it was going to get worse. Dawson seemed strong though, almost as if he wasn't scared as to what was coming next. He wanted to get clean and he wanted treatment.

I sat by his side and we just talked. I tried to distract his mind as much as I could. Staying with him all day just wasn't an option for me, I had to go to work but I told him I would stop by on my way home.

That evening after work I went over and he looked even worse.
He would be shivering and bundle up with a blanket and then all of a sudden be covered in sweat. He constantly had to run to the bathroom to throw up. It was a constant cycle of being cold, sweating, and using the bathroom. I cringed at this. It was horrifying to watch. I had never seen a person be so sick in my life. It broke my heart to witness it, but I had to stay strong for him.

 I would hold his hand or rub his back, whatever he needed me to do. I was going to be as supportive as I could be at that time.I made sure I went over each day, several times a day, even if it were just for a few minutes.

Withdraw is a dreadful thing to witness, let alone go through. I couldn't imagine how it felt to be in Dawson's shoes. Just seeing it gave me nightmares. There were moments that I thought he was going to die. I didn't even see every step of it because I wasn't with him at each moment, but the moments I saw can never be forgotten. The look on his face, the amount of tears he cried, that can never be forgotten.
 Dawson was physically ill for 6 long days. He was still going to go through withdraw symptoms for weeks to come but the worst was over with. I wish I could have been there every minute with him, and I still regret that I wasn't.

I understand he put himself in the position to go through it. I get that, but still to this day people ask me why I even feel bad about it. I sympathize for others, I have a huge heart. Good people do bad things. Sometimes those "bad things" take over their whole lives. That doesn't mean that Dawson didn't deserve just one person to love him and support him. He was my entire world, and my love was unconditional.
That week was exhausting. There are not enough words to describe the different emotions I went through. I knew Dawson still had a long road of recovery ahead of him, but he was trying. I was trying to.

I had a lot of challenges I was about to face. I had to figure out what I was going to tell my landlords. We didn't have rent and I needed out of the lease. I still had to face Jay at work. I needed to find a way to tell me dad I was seeing Dawson again.

Most importantly, I needed to forgive Dawson.....

    and that was easier said than done.

12. The Meet Up

Looking my dad in the face I stood there and lied.

I told him Miranda was picking me up and we were going out for some drinks. That wasn't a lie, because we really did go to the bar. I failed to tell him the reason we were really going out, and that was so I could kill some time before I had to meet up with Dawson at our apartment. I lied by omission and that was not okay. He is the greatest dad and he didn't deserve that. I felt like I had no choice though.

Miranda came and got me and we went to a bar that was just up the street from my apartment. We waited until Rosco text me to let me know they were almost there. I was so nervous to see him. Honestly I had no idea what was going to happen. I didn't even know if we would talk.

I wanted to just hand him the key and walk away. I wanted to prove to myself and to him that I meant what I said when we started dating.

When they arrived they text us to let us know. Miranda drove me down to the apartment, but she parked around the corner. She told me to take my time and that she would be waiting.
I got out of the car and slowly walked towards the apartment, and that's when Dawson stepped out of Rosco's car. I was shaking and truthfully I just wanted to throw up. We looked at each other and walked inside the building. We went into the apartment and I just sat the key down on the table. I looked up at him and in the light he looked awful. He started crying and he just grabbed me and hugged me. We both just stood there and cried. It was heartbreaking. This whole situation was unreal to me.
He told me he was going to get clean and once he detoxed he was going to go to treatment. I asked him how he was going to get clean and he just said on his own...I remember reading that withdraw can be extremely dangerous to go through without medication, so I was worried. He asked me if I could stay with him and I told him no. There was no way I could after what happened. My dad would never forgive me if I just went right back. I told Dawson I would come by the next day and be there for him as much as possible through this.

I wanted him to get clean. I wanted him to be the man that I met again. The guy he became the past few months is not the Dawson I fell in love with and I knew he was still in there.

 I told him we couldn't be together anymore. He just begged me not to leave him and I remember staring into his eyes and I felt this attachment, that I couldn't just give up on him. So I held his hand and looked him in the eyes with tears rolling down my face and I said that I wouldn't give up on him and that I loved him more than anything. I told him we were going to beat this together but he had to want it. Dawson just cried and was hysterical, he didn't want this life. He didn't want to be addicted to drugs, he wanted us to be together again. I wanted the same things more than anything.

There were three things I needed from him in order for us to get back together...
1. For him to get treatment and stay clean.
2. He needed to file for divorce.
3. Get his license back

He promised me he would do all three things. So I then promised him to stand by him thick or thin.
I had no idea what withdraw was like, and truth be told I was completely horrified of what was going to happen next. I was willing to go through hell for him because I honestly felt like he wanted to change his life for good. This man is the love of my life and I would be damned to let him go that easily.

I had to go home, it was getting late and Miranda was waiting for me. Dawson was shaking and crying and I didn't want to leave him. I kissed him on the cheek and told him I would be back sometime the next day.

Walking out of the apartment that night felt different. My heart was pounding and I just felt like this might be it for us. I didn't think he would make it to the next day. I was almost sure he would leave without a trace. Seeing Dawson that scared and alone hurt me more than I felt 3 days prior. His pain was almost a part of me, and to add that on top of my own feelings was unbearable. He needs me and I'm just walking away. I felt like I was doing something unforgiveable.

I was walking up the street and I just collapsed onto my knees and stared up into the sky and asked God why.
After several minutes I found the strength to get up and walk the rest of the way to the car. Miranda took me home and she barely said a word. She knew silence was what I needed.

That night was sleepless for me. I just worried for Dawson. He did text me throughout the night to let me know he was okay. He was very scared and sick, but I knew he would be there the next day.

The next morning I decided I needed to go see him but I was waiting till around lunch time. I needed to get my head ready for what was going to come next.
I knew he would be dope sick and I didn't have any idea of what I was about to see.

Noon came around and I headed over to our place. When I got there I stood in front of our door for a few minutes before going in. I needed to put my emotions aside to be the support system Dawson needed.

I took a deep breath and walked in..

11. Let Me Explain

Before I tell you any more of my story...let me backup and explain a few things first.

Everybody lies, and if they say they don't...they are lying.
I'm not perfect by any means but one thing I hate is lying. Yeah, I tell a few white lies here and there like I only had one cookie but secretly I had five. I don't lie about anything that would hurt a person. Besides, I'm the worlds worst liar. My family and closest friends can see right through me if I try and lie. So lying to my dad was not something I ever wanted to do.

Kyla is my longest friend. We met when we were 7 years old. We were neighbors and complete soul mates. We spent a couple years apart when she moved away but in high school we met back up and it was like we were never apart. She is an incredible person and was my support system throughout things that my family was not aware of. Anything I needed she was there. Sometimes I had to stop her from breaking a few jaws, but I couldn't be more lucky to have a friend like her.

Miranda and I have been friends since we were 14, we are now 25. She calms me down without trying. She has also always been there right by my side to let me vent to her. She never passes judgment on a single person. Miranda does whatever she needs to for me without hesitation.

Devlin became my friend when everything started to fall apart, and she's one bad ass chick. I cant describe her any other way. She's truly a blessing. She was like an angel that came to me when I couldn't see the light anymore. Devlin is the kind of person everyone wants to be, or at least be friends with.

My mom is amazing. She's one of the biggest influences in my life even though she doesn't know it. She loves me unconditionally and is completely open to anything I throw her way. She 100% supported my relationship, even though she wanted more for me.. I was happy and that's all she cared about. She welcomed Dawson with open arms from day one, till the end.

My dad is also amazing. He's one hell of a man to look up to. He definitely isn't like my mother. He is very old school and believes a man should take care of a woman and provide for her. He, just like everyone else in my family, wanted the very best for me. He knew Dawson wasn't that. I made my dad give him a chance, and with several attempts I finally got the opportunity. I don't want to say my dad "loved" him but I could tell he was warming up to the idea.

My sister, Kassi, is my best friend. Now I know I use that term a lot because I have a few best friends, but she really is my BEST friend. She has the most beautiful soul in the world. She is always there even when she says she wont be. I would kill for her and she would for me. So when I said my family wasn't as supportive/ accepting to me and Dawson it wasn't in a way like I didn't have them in my life through thick and thin because they were. It was that they wanted more for me and they didn't want to stand by and watch me destroy my life.

Now, I would like everyone to hear from my sister and understand her perspective on Dawson and what had happened in the 6 month span so far. I asked her to write something for this entry and this is what she had to say,

" I have to admit the change I saw in Jenna when Dawson entered her life was incredible. I remember when she came home talking about this new guy she liked but she felt torn BC she felt like she needed to try and make it work w her recent ex. She was like a little girl with a crush but wouldn't move forward yet. When she decided to start officially dating him....well, it made me happy to see her so happy. We (as in the family) weren't told anything about his past at first...I only knew he was 8 years older. I knew age was just a number but I felt Jenna wasn't really mature enough to be dating someone so much older....then little by little the baggage was revealed and I realized maybe Jenna was too mature and put together for him. As any normal, loving, protective sister would react...I was less than thrilled. Three kids to two women, still married, no license, on house arrest with the drug history and health issues....I was leery. BUT I trusted Jenna more than anyone in my life and I believed her when she told me it was JUST baggage and it didn't define him. However, even with the faith I had in my sister, I had my doubts. My best friend married a person with a similar past/present and I knew how miserable she was at times. I knew how often she would call me crying when things got bad and I didn't want that for Jenna. I also knew how deceitful addicts can be. They are the best manipulators and a big part of me felt Jenna was an east target. She was young, pretty and gullible. She saw the good in everyone and the worst of people can take advantage of that so fast. But - my sister was happy and she deserved just that. I buried my feelings and welcomed him into our lives. I included him in plans and family get together. Dawson was charming. Well put together, gracious, appreciative, respectful and attentive to my little sister. I must admit in the beginning I swallowed my own words....and for who knows me knows that's not something I do often. He was proving to me that rehabilitation works and life can move forward after terrible decisions have been made. The first six months they seemed perfect together. Granted in my eyes he still needed to make improvements like get his license back, move forward w divorce, make more time for his kids...but those weren't my fights to be had..more or less a mental checklist I made for him in order for me to feel he was long term worthy of my baby sister. I did feel 6mths together was too soon to move in together given the baggage, but who was I to judge when I moved in w my (now husband) after 3mths. I knew of a few disagreements they had but all in all Jenna kept the bigger issues from me...so when I received that call from her on my birthday... Something snapped inside of me that changed my views of him and them forever. I was there for her and did my job as a caring sister...but in a kind way I told her if she ever goes back I will no longer be there. This was too big of a screw up....he lied he stole and he used her. I said I would be there as long as she stays strong and far away from him.
A piece of me blamed myself for not standing by my worries or voicing them more to her; for talking our parents (more my dad than my mom) into trusting her and giving him a chance. I do know a piece of me lost respect for that friend for not telling Jenna more of the bad than the good. I had anger for her bosses, who were people in my life too, for supporting them. I was so angry and disappointed in Jenna for being so stupid and gullible.
The truth is...he fooled us all....we all let him."

I have the most amazing friends and family that a girl could ask for. With that being said, these people and their importance in my life need to be recognized before I tell any more of my story.

Things are going to be said and done that may reflect bad on them at that moment, but they didn't deserve any of it. I can not stress that enough. Without them, I'm not sure where I would be at this moment in time. I definitely wouldn't be writing this blog.

Everything I'm about to tell you is straight from my heart and the complete truth. It's painful and very much difficult for me.
I'm going to let you in and tell you everything.

10. Too Much To Handle

I cant remember exactly how I found out, but that part doesn't matter.

The money I lent to Jay for him to get "treatment" was actually money that he needed to buy heroin for him and Dawson. The sob story was a complete lie. I was shaking in anger. I went out to my work that day just to confide in the people that were closest to me and Dawson's relationship, my bosses.
I was hoping I didn't run into Jay because my blood was boiling and all I wanted to do was kill him. I blamed him for everything. Dawson wouldn't have ever of relapsed if Jay didn't start working there. I was in the office talking to my bosses when Jay knocked on the door and walked in. I looked at him and stood up and Gina, my boss, stood up too. She knew I was about to lose it. All I can remember was turning towards him and I launched at him screaming "you piece of shit!". Gina grabbed me and held me back away from him and yelled at him to get out. She just held me there as I cried hysterically. If it wasn't for her I don't know what would have happened but I do know that it wouldn't have made me feel any better. I still didn't have Dawson and hurting Jay wouldn't change that.

I went home and I still didn't know where Dawson was.

I had a voicemail on my phone that I did not notice till late.
It was Dawson and he said crying,

"I'm sorry I ruined 6 months of your life, I really did love you so much.. I'm so sorry I was stupid and pissed the chance away.. it was all my fault I don't blame you. I'm gonna stay here for a little bit and then I'm gonna leave when I  figure out where I can go..ok..none of this is your fault. I'm sorry.Bye."

                    -I still have that voicemail saved to this day. I guess I listen to it because it was the                      only time I felt like Dawson was truly sorry for hurting me.

When I heard that, I just knew he needed serious help. I called the number back and as it turns out it was his mothers house. He wasn't there but I was sure he would show up again, so I sent him a Facebook message telling him to call me as soon as he had a way.
While all of this was going on I had the support of my family and my two best friends, Kyla and Miranda.
Kyla loved Dawson and never judged him for a second based on his past, unlike my family did. She and her boyfriend at the time, now husband, always hung out with us. Same went for Miranda.

 Along with my friends and family, a girl I went to high school with, Devlin, reached out to me on Facebook. She told me about an old relationship she had that was similar. She told me that she understood how I felt and that if I needed anyone to talk to she would be there for me. She is now one of my best friends.


                   With all the support and love all these people gave me, I still couldn't walk away from Dawson completely. I knew its what I should have done, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  My dad didn't want me to even be talking to him. Every time I went somewhere my dad wanted me to text or call him or my mother to let them know I was okay. He wanted me far away from Dawson and wanted me to be able to heal.

I finally got ahold of Dawson the next day and we talked. I cried and he cried, but he still wouldn't tell me he was on heroin. He told me he had been abusing pills for awhile but he was not using heroin. I told him to stop lying to me because its too late for any more lies. I was already gone. He took a deep breath and he admitted it. He told me for awhile he was just using pills but that day Jay came over, the day I was suspicious of, was the day he started using it again. He told me Jay had brought over a few "stamp bags" and for  awhile he contemplated it because he knew once he did that it would all be over, but he couldn't say no. He said he hated himself for lying to me for so long about the pills and over small things that he figured it didn't matter anymore, he was going to lose me anyways.
I was speechless for awhile. I asked him if he would get help and he said yes.

I was in contact with Rosco, and Rosco was in contact with Dawson through these rough couple days. Rosco was going to pick up Dawson from Latrobe and bring him back to our apartment, but I needed to go to the apartment to let him in because I had the keys.

I was scared to see Dawson. After two and a half days away, walking around Latrobe, staying from house to house...most likely getting high, he was bound to look awful. I also didn't know how my heart was going to handle seeing him after finding out everything that I did. I was just planning on letting him in and giving him his key and walking away for good. I had to do at least that. I promised myself I wouldn't stay in the relationship if he relapsed and lied to me.

Not only was I struggling with the heartache of Dawson, I was struggling with the fact that I knew I had to lie to my dad. I couldn't tell him where I was planning on going that night.

I do not lie, that is not who I am or what I do. However, I would have done anything for Dawson.

The moment came when I had to tell me dad I was leaving for a couple hours. I hated myself for this, but it was just going to be this once.

I wish it would have just been that once.

9. Emptiness

I heard his voice, and for the first time ever I didn't recognize it.

Dawson sounded awful. He was like a completely different person. He immediately started yelling at me. He said he was coming home and there was no reason for me to have left him. He was also angry I took his dog. I asked him where he was and he wouldn't tell me. He yelled at me to bring his dog back. I said not until I know your back in town because I refused to just drop off Buddie at the apartment with nobody there to take care of him.

Dawson was getting more angry with me and said that he would come and find me and take back what was his. He was also threatening my family until he got what he wanted.

I just cried and asked him why he was doing this. He yelled at me and said it was because I was accusing him of being on drugs when he wasn't and I just ruined his life. I just kept repeating I know you are doing heroin again, just admit it so I can help you. He laughed at me and hung up.

I just paced back and forth in my room. I was so sick, I ran to the bathroom.
How did I end up here? When did my life take this turn?
I just had tears streaming down my face. My dad had left for a little while so I called him in panic. I told him that Dawson had just called and threatened me. My dad assured me that he wasn't coming anywhere near our house. That he was just trying to manipulate me.

It was late at this point and I was exhausted. I hadn't ate anything all day and I was in so much heartache that I was shaking and breathing heavy. I was insanely stressed out and somehow I fell asleep.
I woke up periodically through the night and consistently checked my phone just hoping the man that I once knew would call or text and apologize. I just wanted him to admit everything to me. He never did though.

The next morning I woke up very early. I had realized with everything that had happened the day before I completely forgot I had a job interview at Finish Line in the mall.
How was I supposed to pull myself together and go to this interview. There was absolutely no way I could do this. I knew I had to go, I needed a second job. I couldn't survive off of the money I was making.

I got dressed, put some makeup on and practiced a smile. I could see the pain written all over my face, but maybe someone that doesn't know me wouldn't notice.
When I got there, the store manager took me out to a bench in the mall and sat me down. His name was Tim, and he was very nice and made me feel comfortable. He was very personable and I didn't want to mess this interview up because he seemed like a great person to work for. I could tell I wasn't doing a good job, I felt distracted with Dawson in the back of my mind. I apologized to Tim at the end and told him I was normally a lot more peppy and that I was just having a bad day. He told me I seemed peppy enough and then asked me what was going on. I couldn't answer that question and lie so I just said oh nothing just some stuff. He asked me again as we walked back towards the store and for whatever reason I just told him exactly what it was. I told him I had moved back into my house yesterday because I found out my boyfriend was on heroin. He just looked at me and said oh my. He shook my hand and wished me luck and said he would be in touch.

Now anyone knows not to say things like this in an interview but I didn't have my mind right this day and I knew I had just lost that potential job.

I slowly walked to my car, it was almost like I could see myself walking. I felt like I wasn't in my body. Why did I say that? Couldn't I just make it through 15 minutes of acting normal?

I went home and crawled into bed and cried some more. That's all I could do. I still couldn't eat a thing. I was going on two days of not eating. I held Buddie and I remember saying to him..."At least I got you out of all of this"

I felt like he knew what was happening because he stared at me with these eyes that just made me think he understands. I missed Dawson so much, the way he used to be.

Dawson sent me random messages and each time the location was different. None of the messages told me any valuable information. Dawson wanted his keys back from me. I had his old house keys and his apartment key because he left them in my car. I didn't want to give them back because I knew once I did there would be no reason for him to talk to me anymore.

Drugs change people. They turn people into someone they're not. They destroy lives. My life was destroyed and I wasn't even the one taking drugs. I was in love with a heroin addict and there was nothing I could do about it.

I found out something that made me even more sick and I was about to go off the deep end.

Everything was spiraling out of control and there was no end in sight.

8. Shattered

Driving him to work that morning seemed as normal as any day. I couldn't have known what was about to happen.

Dawson had kidney issues for a long time before he met me. He had always developed kidney stones from calcium buildup. For a month before this day we had several doctor visits and hospital visits because of his pain. He had a prescription for oxycodone before that I wasn't happy about. I didn't think an addict should be taking any narcotics no matter how excruciating the pain. Dawson assured me he wouldn't become addicted again. He said that the pills weren't strong enough to even make him crave more. I believed him so he took them. He had been out of his prescription long before this day, June 16th, arrived.

Every day we spent in our apartment Dawson just slept. He didn't want to eat much or even spend much time together. He was moody a lot and I never knew what to expect. I spent a lot more time with Buddie than I did with him.

Dawson had to work at 9am and I was off that day. We were driving to work and he was complaining of kidney pain. I told him to just try and power through it and that we had a doctors visit coming up. We got into our work parking lot and Dawson asked me for $60 so he could get a pain pill. I just looked at him and said you are absolutely not buying pills off the street and in what world is a pain pill $60.  He tried to tell me that's how much they cost but I was well aware of how much pills really did cost. He begged me and I said no and did my best to talk him out of the idea.

I went home and got on my phone and made sure I told my sister Happy Birthday and my father Happy Fathers Day. Dawson then sent me a message asking me yet again for the money. He knew I barely had any money left after lending Jay money and he also knew how upset I was with him for even asking. He said he was going to get it one way or another. He was starting to sound crazy. I told him if he even took a step into the direction of getting pain killers I would leave him and that I wasn't joking. I also told him I knew he was using again and that pills don't cost $60 and it was obvious he was trying to score some heroin. He argued a little back and I just kept trying to get him to admit it to me.
 He text me back and he said and I quote..."Fuck you I just want to feel normal again"
I absolutely lost it at this point. I couldn't believe he just said that to me. What was that even supposed to mean?
I told him I was going to leave. I told him I said that from day one. He told me he was going to walk out of work so he could go get his pills.
I knew as soon as he said that he was truly about to quit his job, and once he walked out of that building I would have no way of communication with him. I could only talk to him through WIFI because he didn't have an actual phone. We only ever talked through Facebook messenger.

I felt my stomach in my throat. I was breathing heavy and couldn't think straight. My world was crashing down on me and I didn't know what to do. I text my sister and told her what was happening and she called my father. My father called me and asked what was going on and I just cried and said I think Dawson is on drugs again and he asked me if I wanted to come home and without hesitation I said yes. He told me to hold tight and he would be there as soon as possible.

I then called the owner of our work and told her what Dawson said because I knew she was about to have no cook at the restaurant. She told me to breathe and that she would send her son Alec over to help me move out. Alec was like a brother to me. I had known him for years and we grew so close.

There was a knock on my door and I opened it up and Alec was standing there. I collapsed into his arms. I couldn't stop crying. The pain in my heart was beyond repair. He just held me and let me cry.
Alec's mom had also called a close friend Andre to come help me as well. He showed up next, and then followed my dad. When my dad arrived, I just looked at him with my eyes bloodshot and watery. He looked back at me with this look on his face of anger and sadness. He was sad for me but so angry at Dawson. I knew he wanted to kill him for hurting me. We had packed up all my stuff and had it in all three cars along with my dads truck in the matter of 15 minutes.

I looked at my dad and asked him if I could bring Buddie home with me. I told him I didn't know if Dawson would ever come back and I couldn't just leave our dog their that I was starting to love very much. My dad let me bring him home with the intention of figuring out where Buddie was going to go next. It wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing and I knew that.
We got all my stuff moved back into my old room at home. I had left all the food, two plates, silverware, a pillow, blanket, and all of Dawson's clothing for him in case he did come back.

Alec and Andre went home. I sat on my bed in shock that just 2 weeks ago I was moving into my apartment excited to begin my future with Dawson and its now completely shattered. I had never felt pain like this in my life. I just cried and cried, my dad was next to me every moment of that day. It was Fathers Day and this is how my dad got to spend it. I hated myself for it.

I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think. I didn't know where Dawson was. I didn't know if he alive. I was heartbroken.

Heartache is real, its not something we make up because we are sad. Its real pain. My heart felt like it was going to explode. There were knots all through my stomach. I felt like I had no reason to be alive at this point. The pain that I was in was agonizing, and with every minute I didn't hear from Dawson it got worse. I looked at Buddie and I promised him no matter what happened next I would take care of him.

Hours went by and still I heard nothing from Dawson. I had left him several messages letting him know I moved out and that I took the dog with me. I knew he wasn't reading them but I couldn't stop texting him.

Later that night, my phone rang and it was a number I didn't know. It was Dawson.

7. The First Tear

I remember standing there for a few minutes shaking. I was just sad, very sad.

I looked him in the eye with tears rolling down my face and I turned my back and walked out. I got in my car and I left. I got about ten minutes down the road when he text me and said something along the lines of being sorry he yelled at me.
I pulled over and that was the moment I gave up on myself. I now know that.
I turned around and I went back to his house. I went in and apologized to him. I had no right to ask him something like that. Just based on assumptions. I was in the wrong. At least that's what I kept saying. He told me it was okay and hugged me. The rest of that day I was uneasy and I had doubts, but I needed to stop living in fear and doubt. Ever since Jay came into our lives, I doubted Dawson.

The next couple weeks weren't the same. Dawson was always taking several long bathroom breaks at work and when he would come back into the kitchen he seemed different. Almost like he wasn't fully there. I thought he was on drugs again, but I just kept living in denial. I would pick him up from work on the days I didn't work and on the car ride home I would be talking to him, and his head would start falling down. He was nodding off, I knew it had to be drugs. He just told me he was tired so I made myself believe it. Dawson loved me. He wouldn't lie to me.

We were still looking for apartments. Dawson said he wanted to quit his job because he was unhappy and thought Jay was trying to "take his job". He said his best friend Rosco wanted him to come work for him again and help run his pizza shop. I was completely supportive of that because I wanted Dawson as far away from Jay as I could get him. I knew deep down something shady was going on but I wouldn't admit it. We found a place in Greensburg that was perfect for us and Buddie. I wasn't attached to his dog at all but I wasn't going to move somewhere we couldn't take Buddie. We told Rosco we found a place but they wanted a huge deposit that we just didn't have. He offered to lend it to us but Dawson had to pay it all back with interest. Dawson agreed to it and before we knew it we had our place. This was so exciting for me cause this was the first time my name was on a lease and with the man I loved. We moved in June 1st, 2013. Dawson still had to put his notice in at work, but he was waiting to make sure everything was lined up with his new job. In the meantime we had a bit of a drive to work. We also only had one way of transportation and that was my car.

We had nothing moved in but dishes and a bed and a TV. We would eventually get the couches moved in from the old place, but in the meantime we sat on the floor and ate our dinners off of moving boxes. We had each other and that's all that mattered. We were starting our future.

We got paid that week and Dawson gave me half of the rent. We needed half each pay since we only got paid twice a month. Dawson was going to pay the rent and I would pay the electric and groceries. I also didn't have to pay as much since I was the only one of us paying a car payment and driving everywhere.

He handed me close to $300 cash and I stuck it in my top drawer until I could go to the bank. A few days later I went to get the money out and it was missing. I started to panic. I tore my dresser apart. I searched everywhere. Dawson was at work so I called him and I was crying and asked him if he took the money and he promised me he didn't touch it. He calmed me down and told me that I probably misplaced it or something and that we would find it when he got home. When he got home that day we looked together and it was gone. There was only two people in our apartment other than us. My dad and our friend who let our dog out while we both doubled at work one day. Dawson basically convinced me our friend had to of taken it. So I asked my friend if he came across it and he said no. I felt in my heart Dawson had taken it but I was more willing to blame someone else. I was crying because we wouldn't be able to pay our rent. Dawson looked me in the eyes and said he would have enough in his next pay to cover it all and everything would be okay. So I trusted in him.


Dawson was still associating with Jay even though he talked badly about him. I didn't understand it at all. Jay had a truck so Dawson told me he was going to help him pick up the couches and drive him home one night. A few hours went by and Dawson still wasn't back. He finally showed up with no furniture. He told me he was locked out of the old house and didn't have his keys on him.

We were sitting in bed talking and he told me how Jay started crying to him on the way home explaining how he wants to go get treatment because he started taking drugs again but the place wont accept him without a deposit of $150 and he didn't have any money. I looked at Dawson and said I wanted to help him. I only had $200 to my name but I was willing to help save his life. I called Jay and I told him that Dawson had explained his situation to me and that I wanted to lend him the money. He was so thankful and promised to pay me back when we got paid. I made it very clear how important it was that he paid me back as soon as pay day came. He promised me. It was only five days away.

June 16th came. It was Fathers Day as well as my sisters birthday. Also, it marked two weeks of us living together in our apartment.

I thought it was going to be a perfect day. With tears in my eyes as I write this, I can tell you it turned out to be one of the worst days of my life. A day I will live with forever and heartache that will never subside.

6. Many Moons

I wasn't ready to be a mother at 22. Especially to children that weren't my own.

Dawson finally came to a court ordered agreement to see his children Tuesdays and Thursdays for half the day. His daughter was two and his son was three. I decided to meet them one day. I was scared because I wasn't big on kids to begin with. I loved him and saw a life with him so I needed to deal with what I handed myself.
The kids were great, and he was great with them. I gradually came over a little more each time and the kids loved me. Diapers and baby drool wasn't really my thing so I was a little bit stand-offish with them. I got scared and felt very overwhelmed so I told Dawson I wasn't going to come over and stay there the whole time he had his kids. He understood that it was a lot for me to handle let alone a huge change. Not to mention his ex constantly harassed us every time we had the kids. She would call non stop and randomly show up and yell through the windows because we wouldn't answer the phone. Dawson had a right to be alone with his kids. He was a great father and she was just plain crazy and angry with us both. We didn't want the kids around the fighting so we tried our best to avoid her.

Dawson's son would always ask to call his father when he was with his mother so she would call us and let him talk to Dawson for a little bit and then she would take the phone off of him and we would hear her tell him awful things like "Daddy doesn't love you" She would use the kids against us and it made us sick.

For a couple weeks Dawson couldn't take the kids because of his work schedule. A couple weeks turned into a couple more. Before you knew it a month had gone by that he didn't see his kids. It was April at this point.
Around this time a new guy was hired at work, and his name was Jay. I just remember Dawson being on edge and very nervous. He pulled me to the back and said that the new guy told him he was a "recovering" heroin addict. Dawson didn't want him to work there because he didn't want to relapse himself. He figured being around someone with the same issue would possibly destroy his sobriety. He asked me not to say anything because he would eventually have to deal with this situation. Dawson was a little over a year clean so the last thing I wanted was for him to be at risk. So I went against his wish. I told the owners what Dawson had told me. They pulled him into the office and they discussed it with him. I guess the decided to keep Jay with Dawson's blessing.

I was not happy with this decision. Only because I wanted to keep him safe. He was clean and we were happy and I didn't want anything to destroy that.
Over some time I got to know Jay and he was a very nice guy who occasionally drank a little too much, but didn't we all? I was okay with him working with us and we all got along very well.

Dawson and I started thinking about getting a place together. We were together all the time so we may as well of been living together. So the search began.

Everything was perfect. There wasn't one thing I could complain about. Until one day I started to notice Dawson's attitude was changing.
Jay always called Dawson at home and I didn't know why. I would ask but Dawson just told me he was asking questions about work. I guess in the back of my mind I was starting to question if he was being honest with me, but I never actually questioned him. I didn't want my fears to ruin something great.

One day I was at work and Dawson was at home. We were texting and he said Jay was coming over. I instantly got scared and started asking a thousand questions. I just felt in my heart that something was wrong. I knew nothing about drugs, or signs that someone was on drugs. Hell, I didn't even know what heroin looked like. I just remember watching the clock waiting for my shift to end so I could get to his house. Once 4pm hit I ran. I flew down the road to his house faster than I ever have.

I don't know why I did this. The feeling I had in my stomach and heart was something I couldn't explain. I got out of my car and looked all through the yard..I don't know what I was looking for but I was just looking for something out of the ordinary. I walked into the house and Dawson was on the floor playing Xbox and I just said hello and he answered but didn't look at me. The sound of his voice was different. He slurred his words.

I instantly snapped and yelled "ARE YOU HIGH?!"
Dawson snapped and his response was "NO. GET THE FUCK OUT "
I can remember the exact words. The exact sound of his voice, I had never heard him speak like that to me in the time we had been together. He never swore at me once until this moment.

That day will haunt me the rest of my life. The way I felt..I can still feel that to this day.

5. The First Lie

I knew he had lied to me, but was it important enough for me to be mad? I had to be angry with him. We had an honest and open relationship and it was unacceptable for even the smallest, dumbest lie.

In between my seat was a receipt. When I looked at it, it was for a store inside the mall. Dawson drove my car twenty minutes to the mall and lied directly to my face the day before. He never mentioned going to the mall. He told me he didn't find a thing, meanwhile this receipt showed he had found $40 worth of clothing.
I was more confused than anything. Our relationship was amazing. Why would he need to lie about this? Not to mention he didn't even ask me if he could take my car the whole way to the mall. Normally I would not care where he went but because he didn't have a license it was kind of a big deal.
I played out in my head what I was going to say when I got to work. I came up with several scenarios because what else was there to do in the twenty-five minute drive from my house to work?

When I got to work, I walked into the kitchen and there was Dawson standing there with a huge smile, excited to see me. I just threw the receipt down in front of him and stared him in the face. He looked at me with disappointed and walked away into the back room.
I had to follow him, I was waiting for an explanation. I looked at him and asked why he lied to me. He just stood there looking scared and sad and just said "I don't know"
But how could he not know? There had to be a reason he didn't want to tell me.
We just stared in silence as he continued to walk away from me. I was angry with him.

I was just thinking to myself...wait a second..why are you walking away from me and why am I chasing you waiting for an apology? This is unfair..I didn't do anything wrong here.

So I decided to walk away. I went back towards the kitchen. I gave it about five minutes and Dawson still hadn't come back.

    I thought about it and I made an excuse for him. I decided to myself that Dawson was probably too scared to tell me he went to the mall because it wasn't what we had previously discussed. And knowing how his ex was, he had every reason to be scared to tell me.

I went back to see Dawson and I just took him by the hand and told him that I loved him very much but lying in our relationship is something I would not stand for. I also told him that it was okay and I understood why he didn't tell me but from that day on he needed to be completely honest with me.
He hugged me and promised he would never lie to me again.

I didn't know it then, but that was the day, the minute, the very second I let him walk all over me. I broke and made excuses for him. When I thought it would be the only time, it turned out to be the first of many times.

In retrospect that should have told me something very important. But as we all know, LOVE IS BLIND.