The rest of November and December is a blur.
I literally just wanted the year to end. There had been so many highs and lows, more lows than highs though. Christmas was coming and I knew not to expect anything from Dawson. Just another year with nothing to show for it. We had been engaged for a whole year. We had no plans for a wedding and no money to move in together. I had money but he didn't.
He wanted me to put a deposit down on a place since I had saved money and he would then help pay half the rent. I knew better though. Why would I put money down on something when he wasn't even paying his own bills to begin with? He would just screw me over and I'd be left in a house I couldn't afford.
Towards the end of December he had got a job at a restaurant right outside the mall. I could take him to and from work since it was on my route as well. I wanted to be excited, I wanted to feel a sense of relief, but I couldn't feel anything good.
I was living a lie to everyone. Some friends from work knew a little bit about the money Dawson owed me and how it was taking its toll on me, but they didn't know the extent of it.
When Christmas came Dawson and I went to my moms house and I put on a smile. It was hard to act like I was okay when inside I was dying. Dawson knew I was unhappy, he wasn't blind to it. To be honest I'm not sure if he even cared about how I felt. As long as he was doing okay and I was there to pick up the pieces nothing else mattered.
Christmas passed and 2014 was coming to an end.
Right after the new year began I had a few serious fights with Dawson. I was tired of being lied to and hurt. I was tired of lying to my family and my friends. I just wanted someone to take care of me for once.
A couple weeks into January I asked Dawson to start paying me back since he had received two paychecks from his new job. He kept making excuses for why he couldn't pay me.
We made plans to go get money out of his account after work one day and when he showed up to meet me he was upset. He said he went to get the money out and the ATM ate his debit card. I told him we could just go in the bank and they could get it for us. He told me that they were unable to get it till the next day because the manager wasn't there and that they were closing.
I knew he was lying because I go to that same bank every day to drop our work deposit and I know the hours so I told him they would still be opened and that we were going in. He instantly got mad and said he would handle it.
We went over to the bank and he went in. A minute later I went in the bank because I knew something was up. He was at the teller asking for a bank statement and I told her the ATM ate his card, She then said to me that's no problem we can get it for you. He just said no thanks I'm good and walked out of the bank. We got in the car and we started fighting. I began to cry a little because I caught him in yet another lie.
He went to get out of my car and I lost it. I wanted answers. He told me these guys he owed money to were threatening him. They said if Dawson didn't pay them back they would come after me. I didn't believe him, it just was so unrealistic. Of course I let him talk me into believing it and I really did for a moment there.
This lie, this new start to the new year set me over the edge. I couldn't handle one more lie. I started to think about suicide. I truly didn't want to deal with the feelings i had. I couldn't dare leave Dawson, I was far too in love with him. If i just died it would be easier. I wouldn't have to deal with the mental pain and the physical toll the stress was putting on my body. But I didn't want to die. I wanted help, but if I asked for help, everyone would know I was living a lie.
One day I got so upset my head starting spinning. I sat on the floor and rocked back and forth thinking why is this my life? I went to my kitchen and got a knife. I held it in my hand crying and then I cut myself across my arm.
