My dog saved my life, Buddie. It sounds crazy but he did.
When I cut myself with my keys, it was pretty bad. I still have a scar from it. But that wasn't the last time I did it. I had a few nights where I just got so upset I needed to escape the sadness. Feeling like I was worthless took a toll on me. Why should I care about myself if no body else seemed to? That wasn't true though. I had many people that cared about me but I was blind to it because the only person I wanted the love from was Dawson.
I was in my bed one night, and Dawson and I were fighting about something. He hung up on me and would not answer my calls. He ignored me for over an hour and I lost my mind again. Only this time I wasn't thinking about making a small cut across my wrist, I was truly ready to end my life. I sat in my bed with a razor in my hand and just when I began to move towards my arm, Buddie pushed my door open and jumped on my bed, laid his head on my leg and looked up at me. I looked back at him while sobbing, and dropped the razor to the floor. I just grabbed him and held him. When he looked at me, it made me feel like he knew what I was about to do. If it wasn't for him running to my side, I'm not sure I would be here today.
At that moment I knew I needed to get professional help, but most importantly I needed my family and their support.
I went to my moms a couple days later and I was going to tell her right away what I had been feeling, but for some reason I couldn't. We just talked like we always did, and right before I went to leave she asked me what was wrong. I couldn't ever hide from my mom, and I started crying and told her what was going on and then I showed her my arm. She immediately got upset and hugged me and told me I was going to be okay. She wanted me to get help, and I gave her my word I was going to. I asked her to talk to my dad for me, because I couldn't bare to have that conversation with him, and she told me she would.
The next day I text my sister. I really didn't want her to know because of her being pregnant. I didn't want to upset her in any way, but I knew she was going to find out one way or another. So I sent her a text and she actually was angry with me. She was not happy with me and she let me know it. I regretted telling her from the minute I hit send.
After my mom talked to her, she apologized to me and told me she loved me.
I made an appointment with a therapist that same day.
I was nervous about my dad finding out, I knew he was going to be so upset with me and I was dreading any confrontation with him. I knew if he yelled at me it would just trigger my bad thoughts. I had nothing left in me. I mentally couldn't handle one more fight, or one more lecture. My mom told me she had told him, and he didn't handle it well. When my sister tried to talk to him about it, he didn't want to deal with it. Kassi was livid with him for his reaction. If my dad didn't want to deal with me or my situation that just meant I didn't need to face it with him, and that was a relief to me. Although it made me feel like I didn't matter to him at the same time. It was a lose lose for me. If my dad reacted and confronted me I would be even more upset than I already was, but with him not wanting a part of it, I was just as upset.
Dawson went to my therapy appointment with me for support. She talked with the both of us and asked basic questions. When she asked if I ever have had suicidal thoughts, I looked at Dawson, looked down and just started crying. I nodded my head yes, and she handed me a tissue. She asked me how often and if I have acted on the thoughts. When I told her about the cutting, she asked me if I would be willing to sign a suicide contract.
It's basically a contract stating that I will call for help if I have a suicidal thoughts before acting on it.
I signed the paper without hesitation. I really wanted to change my life and I did not want to hurt myself anymore.
I was completely selfish for wanting to take my own life. I thank God each and every day for sending Buddie in my room at that moment. I love my family and my friends so very much, that taking my life would have destroyed theirs.
Buddie is my angel, and without him I wouldn't be able to sit here tonight, and tell you my story.
