Looking my dad in the face I stood there and lied.
I told him Miranda was picking me up and we were going out for some drinks. That wasn't a lie, because we really did go to the bar. I failed to tell him the reason we were really going out, and that was so I could kill some time before I had to meet up with Dawson at our apartment. I lied by omission and that was not okay. He is the greatest dad and he didn't deserve that. I felt like I had no choice though.
Miranda came and got me and we went to a bar that was just up the street from my apartment. We waited until Rosco text me to let me know they were almost there. I was so nervous to see him. Honestly I had no idea what was going to happen. I didn't even know if we would talk.
I wanted to just hand him the key and walk away. I wanted to prove to myself and to him that I meant what I said when we started dating.
When they arrived they text us to let us know. Miranda drove me down to the apartment, but she parked around the corner. She told me to take my time and that she would be waiting.
I got out of the car and slowly walked towards the apartment, and that's when Dawson stepped out of Rosco's car. I was shaking and truthfully I just wanted to throw up. We looked at each other and walked inside the building. We went into the apartment and I just sat the key down on the table. I looked up at him and in the light he looked awful. He started crying and he just grabbed me and hugged me. We both just stood there and cried. It was heartbreaking. This whole situation was unreal to me.
He told me he was going to get clean and once he detoxed he was going to go to treatment. I asked him how he was going to get clean and he just said on his own...I remember reading that withdraw can be extremely dangerous to go through without medication, so I was worried. He asked me if I could stay with him and I told him no. There was no way I could after what happened. My dad would never forgive me if I just went right back. I told Dawson I would come by the next day and be there for him as much as possible through this.
I wanted him to get clean. I wanted him to be the man that I met again. The guy he became the past few months is not the Dawson I fell in love with and I knew he was still in there.
I told him we couldn't be together anymore. He just begged me not to leave him and I remember staring into his eyes and I felt this attachment, that I couldn't just give up on him. So I held his hand and looked him in the eyes with tears rolling down my face and I said that I wouldn't give up on him and that I loved him more than anything. I told him we were going to beat this together but he had to want it. Dawson just cried and was hysterical, he didn't want this life. He didn't want to be addicted to drugs, he wanted us to be together again. I wanted the same things more than anything.
There were three things I needed from him in order for us to get back together...
1. For him to get treatment and stay clean.
2. He needed to file for divorce.
3. Get his license back
He promised me he would do all three things. So I then promised him to stand by him thick or thin.
I had no idea what withdraw was like, and truth be told I was completely horrified of what was going to happen next. I was willing to go through hell for him because I honestly felt like he wanted to change his life for good. This man is the love of my life and I would be damned to let him go that easily.
I had to go home, it was getting late and Miranda was waiting for me. Dawson was shaking and crying and I didn't want to leave him. I kissed him on the cheek and told him I would be back sometime the next day.
Walking out of the apartment that night felt different. My heart was pounding and I just felt like this might be it for us. I didn't think he would make it to the next day. I was almost sure he would leave without a trace. Seeing Dawson that scared and alone hurt me more than I felt 3 days prior. His pain was almost a part of me, and to add that on top of my own feelings was unbearable. He needs me and I'm just walking away. I felt like I was doing something unforgiveable.
I was walking up the street and I just collapsed onto my knees and stared up into the sky and asked God why.
After several minutes I found the strength to get up and walk the rest of the way to the car. Miranda took me home and she barely said a word. She knew silence was what I needed.
That night was sleepless for me. I just worried for Dawson. He did text me throughout the night to let me know he was okay. He was very scared and sick, but I knew he would be there the next day.
The next morning I decided I needed to go see him but I was waiting till around lunch time. I needed to get my head ready for what was going to come next.
I knew he would be dope sick and I didn't have any idea of what I was about to see.
Noon came around and I headed over to our place. When I got there I stood in front of our door for a few minutes before going in. I needed to put my emotions aside to be the support system Dawson needed.
