7. The First Tear

I remember standing there for a few minutes shaking. I was just sad, very sad.

I looked him in the eye with tears rolling down my face and I turned my back and walked out. I got in my car and I left. I got about ten minutes down the road when he text me and said something along the lines of being sorry he yelled at me.
I pulled over and that was the moment I gave up on myself. I now know that.
I turned around and I went back to his house. I went in and apologized to him. I had no right to ask him something like that. Just based on assumptions. I was in the wrong. At least that's what I kept saying. He told me it was okay and hugged me. The rest of that day I was uneasy and I had doubts, but I needed to stop living in fear and doubt. Ever since Jay came into our lives, I doubted Dawson.

The next couple weeks weren't the same. Dawson was always taking several long bathroom breaks at work and when he would come back into the kitchen he seemed different. Almost like he wasn't fully there. I thought he was on drugs again, but I just kept living in denial. I would pick him up from work on the days I didn't work and on the car ride home I would be talking to him, and his head would start falling down. He was nodding off, I knew it had to be drugs. He just told me he was tired so I made myself believe it. Dawson loved me. He wouldn't lie to me.

We were still looking for apartments. Dawson said he wanted to quit his job because he was unhappy and thought Jay was trying to "take his job". He said his best friend Rosco wanted him to come work for him again and help run his pizza shop. I was completely supportive of that because I wanted Dawson as far away from Jay as I could get him. I knew deep down something shady was going on but I wouldn't admit it. We found a place in Greensburg that was perfect for us and Buddie. I wasn't attached to his dog at all but I wasn't going to move somewhere we couldn't take Buddie. We told Rosco we found a place but they wanted a huge deposit that we just didn't have. He offered to lend it to us but Dawson had to pay it all back with interest. Dawson agreed to it and before we knew it we had our place. This was so exciting for me cause this was the first time my name was on a lease and with the man I loved. We moved in June 1st, 2013. Dawson still had to put his notice in at work, but he was waiting to make sure everything was lined up with his new job. In the meantime we had a bit of a drive to work. We also only had one way of transportation and that was my car.

We had nothing moved in but dishes and a bed and a TV. We would eventually get the couches moved in from the old place, but in the meantime we sat on the floor and ate our dinners off of moving boxes. We had each other and that's all that mattered. We were starting our future.

We got paid that week and Dawson gave me half of the rent. We needed half each pay since we only got paid twice a month. Dawson was going to pay the rent and I would pay the electric and groceries. I also didn't have to pay as much since I was the only one of us paying a car payment and driving everywhere.

He handed me close to $300 cash and I stuck it in my top drawer until I could go to the bank. A few days later I went to get the money out and it was missing. I started to panic. I tore my dresser apart. I searched everywhere. Dawson was at work so I called him and I was crying and asked him if he took the money and he promised me he didn't touch it. He calmed me down and told me that I probably misplaced it or something and that we would find it when he got home. When he got home that day we looked together and it was gone. There was only two people in our apartment other than us. My dad and our friend who let our dog out while we both doubled at work one day. Dawson basically convinced me our friend had to of taken it. So I asked my friend if he came across it and he said no. I felt in my heart Dawson had taken it but I was more willing to blame someone else. I was crying because we wouldn't be able to pay our rent. Dawson looked me in the eyes and said he would have enough in his next pay to cover it all and everything would be okay. So I trusted in him.


Dawson was still associating with Jay even though he talked badly about him. I didn't understand it at all. Jay had a truck so Dawson told me he was going to help him pick up the couches and drive him home one night. A few hours went by and Dawson still wasn't back. He finally showed up with no furniture. He told me he was locked out of the old house and didn't have his keys on him.

We were sitting in bed talking and he told me how Jay started crying to him on the way home explaining how he wants to go get treatment because he started taking drugs again but the place wont accept him without a deposit of $150 and he didn't have any money. I looked at Dawson and said I wanted to help him. I only had $200 to my name but I was willing to help save his life. I called Jay and I told him that Dawson had explained his situation to me and that I wanted to lend him the money. He was so thankful and promised to pay me back when we got paid. I made it very clear how important it was that he paid me back as soon as pay day came. He promised me. It was only five days away.

June 16th came. It was Fathers Day as well as my sisters birthday. Also, it marked two weeks of us living together in our apartment.

I thought it was going to be a perfect day. With tears in my eyes as I write this, I can tell you it turned out to be one of the worst days of my life. A day I will live with forever and heartache that will never subside.

6. Many Moons

I wasn't ready to be a mother at 22. Especially to children that weren't my own.

Dawson finally came to a court ordered agreement to see his children Tuesdays and Thursdays for half the day. His daughter was two and his son was three. I decided to meet them one day. I was scared because I wasn't big on kids to begin with. I loved him and saw a life with him so I needed to deal with what I handed myself.
The kids were great, and he was great with them. I gradually came over a little more each time and the kids loved me. Diapers and baby drool wasn't really my thing so I was a little bit stand-offish with them. I got scared and felt very overwhelmed so I told Dawson I wasn't going to come over and stay there the whole time he had his kids. He understood that it was a lot for me to handle let alone a huge change. Not to mention his ex constantly harassed us every time we had the kids. She would call non stop and randomly show up and yell through the windows because we wouldn't answer the phone. Dawson had a right to be alone with his kids. He was a great father and she was just plain crazy and angry with us both. We didn't want the kids around the fighting so we tried our best to avoid her.

Dawson's son would always ask to call his father when he was with his mother so she would call us and let him talk to Dawson for a little bit and then she would take the phone off of him and we would hear her tell him awful things like "Daddy doesn't love you" She would use the kids against us and it made us sick.

For a couple weeks Dawson couldn't take the kids because of his work schedule. A couple weeks turned into a couple more. Before you knew it a month had gone by that he didn't see his kids. It was April at this point.
Around this time a new guy was hired at work, and his name was Jay. I just remember Dawson being on edge and very nervous. He pulled me to the back and said that the new guy told him he was a "recovering" heroin addict. Dawson didn't want him to work there because he didn't want to relapse himself. He figured being around someone with the same issue would possibly destroy his sobriety. He asked me not to say anything because he would eventually have to deal with this situation. Dawson was a little over a year clean so the last thing I wanted was for him to be at risk. So I went against his wish. I told the owners what Dawson had told me. They pulled him into the office and they discussed it with him. I guess the decided to keep Jay with Dawson's blessing.

I was not happy with this decision. Only because I wanted to keep him safe. He was clean and we were happy and I didn't want anything to destroy that.
Over some time I got to know Jay and he was a very nice guy who occasionally drank a little too much, but didn't we all? I was okay with him working with us and we all got along very well.

Dawson and I started thinking about getting a place together. We were together all the time so we may as well of been living together. So the search began.

Everything was perfect. There wasn't one thing I could complain about. Until one day I started to notice Dawson's attitude was changing.
Jay always called Dawson at home and I didn't know why. I would ask but Dawson just told me he was asking questions about work. I guess in the back of my mind I was starting to question if he was being honest with me, but I never actually questioned him. I didn't want my fears to ruin something great.

One day I was at work and Dawson was at home. We were texting and he said Jay was coming over. I instantly got scared and started asking a thousand questions. I just felt in my heart that something was wrong. I knew nothing about drugs, or signs that someone was on drugs. Hell, I didn't even know what heroin looked like. I just remember watching the clock waiting for my shift to end so I could get to his house. Once 4pm hit I ran. I flew down the road to his house faster than I ever have.

I don't know why I did this. The feeling I had in my stomach and heart was something I couldn't explain. I got out of my car and looked all through the yard..I don't know what I was looking for but I was just looking for something out of the ordinary. I walked into the house and Dawson was on the floor playing Xbox and I just said hello and he answered but didn't look at me. The sound of his voice was different. He slurred his words.

I instantly snapped and yelled "ARE YOU HIGH?!"
Dawson snapped and his response was "NO. GET THE FUCK OUT "
I can remember the exact words. The exact sound of his voice, I had never heard him speak like that to me in the time we had been together. He never swore at me once until this moment.

That day will haunt me the rest of my life. The way I felt..I can still feel that to this day.