I cant remember exactly how I found out, but that part doesn't matter.
The money I lent to Jay for him to get "treatment" was actually money that he needed to buy heroin for him and Dawson. The sob story was a complete lie. I was shaking in anger. I went out to my work that day just to confide in the people that were closest to me and Dawson's relationship, my bosses.
I was hoping I didn't run into Jay because my blood was boiling and all I wanted to do was kill him. I blamed him for everything. Dawson wouldn't have ever of relapsed if Jay didn't start working there. I was in the office talking to my bosses when Jay knocked on the door and walked in. I looked at him and stood up and Gina, my boss, stood up too. She knew I was about to lose it. All I can remember was turning towards him and I launched at him screaming "you piece of shit!". Gina grabbed me and held me back away from him and yelled at him to get out. She just held me there as I cried hysterically. If it wasn't for her I don't know what would have happened but I do know that it wouldn't have made me feel any better. I still didn't have Dawson and hurting Jay wouldn't change that.
I went home and I still didn't know where Dawson was.
I had a voicemail on my phone that I did not notice till late.
It was Dawson and he said crying,
"I'm sorry I ruined 6 months of your life, I really did love you so much.. I'm so sorry I was stupid and pissed the chance away.. it was all my fault I don't blame you. I'm gonna stay here for a little bit and then I'm gonna leave when I figure out where I can go..ok..none of this is your fault. I'm sorry.Bye."
-I still have that voicemail saved to this day. I guess I listen to it because it was the only time I felt like Dawson was truly sorry for hurting me.
When I heard that, I just knew he needed serious help. I called the number back and as it turns out it was his mothers house. He wasn't there but I was sure he would show up again, so I sent him a Facebook message telling him to call me as soon as he had a way.
While all of this was going on I had the support of my family and my two best friends, Kyla and Miranda.
Kyla loved Dawson and never judged him for a second based on his past, unlike my family did. She and her boyfriend at the time, now husband, always hung out with us. Same went for Miranda.
Along with my friends and family, a girl I went to high school with, Devlin, reached out to me on Facebook. She told me about an old relationship she had that was similar. She told me that she understood how I felt and that if I needed anyone to talk to she would be there for me. She is now one of my best friends.
With all the support and love all these people gave me, I still couldn't walk away from Dawson completely. I knew its what I should have done, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye. My dad didn't want me to even be talking to him. Every time I went somewhere my dad wanted me to text or call him or my mother to let them know I was okay. He wanted me far away from Dawson and wanted me to be able to heal.
I finally got ahold of Dawson the next day and we talked. I cried and he cried, but he still wouldn't tell me he was on heroin. He told me he had been abusing pills for awhile but he was not using heroin. I told him to stop lying to me because its too late for any more lies. I was already gone. He took a deep breath and he admitted it. He told me for awhile he was just using pills but that day Jay came over, the day I was suspicious of, was the day he started using it again. He told me Jay had brought over a few "stamp bags" and for awhile he contemplated it because he knew once he did that it would all be over, but he couldn't say no. He said he hated himself for lying to me for so long about the pills and over small things that he figured it didn't matter anymore, he was going to lose me anyways.
I was speechless for awhile. I asked him if he would get help and he said yes.
I was in contact with Rosco, and Rosco was in contact with Dawson through these rough couple days. Rosco was going to pick up Dawson from Latrobe and bring him back to our apartment, but I needed to go to the apartment to let him in because I had the keys.
I was scared to see Dawson. After two and a half days away, walking around Latrobe, staying from house to house...most likely getting high, he was bound to look awful. I also didn't know how my heart was going to handle seeing him after finding out everything that I did. I was just planning on letting him in and giving him his key and walking away for good. I had to do at least that. I promised myself I wouldn't stay in the relationship if he relapsed and lied to me.
Not only was I struggling with the heartache of Dawson, I was struggling with the fact that I knew I had to lie to my dad. I couldn't tell him where I was planning on going that night.
I do not lie, that is not who I am or what I do. However, I would have done anything for Dawson.
The moment came when I had to tell me dad I was leaving for a couple hours. I hated myself for this, but it was just going to be this once.
No comments:
Post a Comment