I have a million excuses for why I cut myself, but none of them are logical.
I did it to escape the thoughts in my head. I thought if I felt some kind of physical pain it would help me escape my real issues. It did for a minute, but then my problems only became bigger. I was tired of feeling like I wasn't enough. I didn't matter, and I just wanted to for once. I was pretty much living a double life for almost my entire relationship. I had to hide so many secrets and so much pain.
I wanted my dad to know about Dawson and I. I didn't want to be scolded for being with him, so hiding my life from my dad was more than difficult. Constantly being yelled at and lectured was unbearable. I love my dad, he's one of the biggest influences in my life, so living this lie and especially living a life he knew nothing about tore me apart. My sister had just found out she was pregnant, so I didn't want to bother her or upset her. I didn't have Kyla to talk to, it had been almost a year since we had spoke. I wanted to tell my mom how unstable I was becoming but I was scared to. Then there was Devlin. I could not tell Devlin this. She was just starting to make herself happy again and I didn't want to bring her down and worry her about me. I couldn't break her heart.
The only person I could think to talk to that wouldn't overreact was my friend Corey from work. He knew a little about the struggles I was having with Dawson and he always listened to me and gave me unbiased advice. I knew I needed to talk to someone because I didn't want to hurt myself again.
I did tell Dawson that I had cut myself and he got so upset over it. He blamed himself. I kept telling him it wasn't even though I felt like it was. Now it really was not his fault. I'm the one who chose to hurt myself, and it was my fault for letting things go as far as they did to push me into a depression like that.
When I went to work Corey asked me how things were just like he did every day, and I told him exactly what had happened and I showed him my arm. I just saw a shade of sadness come across his face, and my eyes then filled with tears. He asked me why I did it and made me promise I wouldn't do it again. He told me I should look into seeing a counselor but I told him I didn't want to go to one and that I would be alright.
It was maybe a week or two later. Dawson had told me he had heard something from a friend about Kyla and her fiancé. He told me that apparently her fiancé was cheating on her with the girl from Rosco's that Dawson and I had the issues with. Dawson loved finding that out because he did not like Kyla or her fiancé. But for me, well I felt this heavy weight on my shoulders. Whether Kyla and I were friends anymore or not, I loved her. I sat on it all day and I just knew I had to tell her. Even if it wasn't true, I had to at least let her know what was being said.
I was so nervous, and I knew this was going to cause a serious fight between Dawson and me, but if it were the other way around I would want to know. Plus the fact that Kyla would do the same for me. So I text her. I told her that I knew we hadn't talked in forever but I heard something disturbing and if she would call me that I would like to let her know what was going on. She called me immediately and it was so weird hearing her voice. I asked her how she was and we made small talk a bit and then I just told her what I was told. I told her she could do whatever she needed to with that information but I thought she needed to know. She then said she was getting married in a month so she absolutely needed to look into that. I couldn't believe she was getting married in a month. I missed out on so much it broke my heart.
As it turns out her fiancé was not cheating and it was all a big lie. The people who started the rumors were not so great of people. But I guess I can thank them for bringing Kyla back into my life.
Once Dawson found out I said something all hell broke loose. He told me he was supposed to keep that a secret and now the friends of his who told him this was all pissed. I didn't care though. Kyla deserved to know something like that. Kyla told me she confronted the girl and she told her there was absolutely nothing going on, but somehow in the conversation she told Kyla Dawson had been texting her. (This is the girl Dawson had slapped the butt of when he worked at Rosco's.
When Kyla delivered that information to me I lost it. Why would Dawson be talking to her? Dawson denied it and it caused a screaming battle. All of this happened within one night. I was in my car in the mall parking lot in the middle of the night fighting with him because I knew Dawson was lying about something. Dawson screamed at me while I sat there crying and he got out of my car and took off. I called him repeatedly and he answered. We went back and forth and I was just a crying mess. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and hung up on him. I literally lost all control. I was tearing apart my car looking for something that I could hurt myself with. I had nothing so I took my key out of my ignition and started tearing across my wrist with it.
I cried and cried and just kept scraping it across my skin until I started bleeding and at that moment Dawson swung my car door open and ripped my keys out of my hand. He was panicking and he just grabbed me and held me and kept saying it was okay, I love you calm down. He just repeated that until I could catch my breath again.
He told me he was going to take me to the hospital. I begged him not to, I was too scared and didn't want my family to find out. I pleaded with him and he said he wouldn't take me but if it happened again he was going to.
I was so ashamed of myself. When did I become this person? When did death sound better than living?
