33. True Colors

Loving an addict is one of the most challenging loves a person can have. You know deep down inside you that they are an addict and they will always be, but you hope it changes. It doesn't change no matter how much you want it to.

I knew I could never have what I wanted with Dawson. I could never have that beautiful dream house in the country. I wasn't going to have any children with him. What I would have was maybe a decent running car, a small apartment, and my dog. That is the only life I would have with him, because if I started to get ahead Dawson would find a way to screw it up for the both of us.

I wanted to believe that the love I had for him would be enough, and that I wouldn't need any thing but that. I was lying to myself, and I had been for a long time now. I would always wake up to emptiness because something was missing. If I did something for Dawson, it was because I loved him, not because I expected something in return. However, if Dawson did something for me, as small as making me a dinner, I would hear about it for days. He did something for me one time in months so I shouldn't continue to expect more. I guess I was selfish for expecting more in his eyes.

In no way shape or form do I want to portray Dawson as some terrible person, because I don't think he is. I do think his addiction took over his life though, and the Dawson I met doesn't exist any longer.

Going to counseling in a short time helped me in so many ways. It opened my eyes. Yes, I continued in the relationship for quite some time after because I loved him and I didn't want to let go. It's the scariest thing to think about starting over, and letting go of the only thing I knew.

It was a pattern with Dawson. There would be a few good weeks, and then one horrible day. When I say horrible, I mean horrible. The longest, saddest, most painful day. Each time I had a horrible day with him, I lost a piece of myself.

One day in particular, Dawson was to make a payment to me. That morning, he told me he was having severe kidney pain. I was at work and there was nothing I could do to help him. He had text me and told me his manager was taking him to the hospital. When I had got off of work I had text him to find out exactly what was going on, and he did not answer me. I then called him and he did not answer. I was extremely worried. In the past they had took him into surgery, so I thought maybe he had a bad infection that required immediate surgery. So I called the hospital to find out what room he was in and the status on him. The hospital had no record of him being there. I then called another hospital and they also had no record of him there either. At this point I was angry, because I knew he had lied to me. I called his work and asked to speak with his manager. I asked her if she had taken Dawson to the hospital and she had no idea what I was talking about. She told me he worked his shift and left as normal. I was shaking in anger. I knew Dawson had lied to me to get out of paying me. I left work and drove straight to his house. All the doors were locked and the curtains were closed. So I called Dawson's roommate, our friend, Andre. I drove to Andre's work and got his keys and went back to their place and I let myself in. Dawson was obviously in a hurry to get out of there because he left the Xbox controller on. I went upstairs and searched and he was nowhere to be found. Turns out he ran out the back door when I came in the house and hid from me for about 30 minutes before I got him to answer his phone.

When I talked to him I instantly flipped out. He wouldn't tell me where he was. I told him I was taking my Xbox and my games since he didn't wanna show his face. He started calling me a bitch and telling me what a horrible person I was as he always did. Any time Dawson lied or did something to hurt me he would find a way to turn it around and make me look like the bad person. That's what addicts do. They manipulate you all day every day.

After fighting for a good while I got him to come back to the apartment. We continued to fight there, but he wouldn't give me any answers as to why he didn't have money. I cornered him in his kitchen because he kept walking away from me. He told me to get away from him but I wouldn't move. Every time he tried to walk away I got more in his face and eventually he just shoved me out of the way. When he did that I lost my footing a little and fell into the table slightly. At that moment I just saw complete red and went after him. I don't care that it was a shove to get me out of his face, he put his hands on me. I went after him and just punched him in the back of the head. He grabbed my fists and warned me not to hit him again or he would hit me back. Of course I ran my mouth and told him to hit me, but he didn't. I knew not to hit him again, because I didn't trust him not to hit me back. He might of said it to scare me, but either way I wasn't testing him.

I backed off and just sat down in fear and disbelief that our relationship got to the point where any type of physical abuse started.

That was one bad day. The next day was just apologies and back to pretending nothing was wrong.

I told him at the end of every fight that "It was okay" but it never was. I lied every day to him by telling him that.

I just wanted to keep him happy, even though it was destroying me.

32. The Battle

I went to counseling two times a week.

My therapist thought it would be best for me to do an hour individual session and an hour session with Dawson. Dawson was the stem to a lot of my problems so he needed to hear how I was feeling.
The first few sessions were tough for me because I didn't want to admit to a lot of my problems. I was in a co-dependent relationship and that was the most unhealthy relationship to be in. I had put my life on hold to take care of Dawson's. Even though I took on a "care taker" role I still depended on him for love and approval when I should have been depending on myself for that.

In the time I spent at therapy I learned a lot about myself and my relationship that I needed to. Dawson agreed to stop lying and to be more honest in communication along with trying harder to do more for himself and to allow me to take care of myself and ambitions. He also promised to go to NA Meetings and to let me handle his money.

I stopped going to therapy a little after a month. I didn't stop going because I felt better, but I stopped because I felt like my therapist was not helping me. I felt very judged and pushed aside. It was almost as she was rushing my progress.

I should have found a new therapist, but instead I stopped therapy all together. Dawson held up his promises for about two weeks and then went back to his old ways. However I did start to do more for myself. I stopped lending him money and I let his finances be his own responsibility. I stopped cutting myself, and I started to spend more time with my family.

Dawson gave me about $50 after counseling to start paying me back. That was a one time payment. He stopped giving me money and had an excuse every time. Dawson owed me close to $2000 at this point and I was done. I wouldn't give him a dime more, and I wouldn't constantly make an effort to go out on a date when I would just have to pay for that too.

I loved him and wanted to go places and do fun things, but I was tired of always paying.

Andre, our friend, asked Dawson to move in with him and his roommate. He said he really needed the financial help and Dawson would be doing them a favor. Andre said he would only have to pay a total of $260 a month. That would save Dawson $40 a month from what he was paying now. He jumped at the opportunity to get out of his crappy apartment with a kid he couldn't stand to be around. We moved him out and we were both so excited about the fresh start. He was a lot closer to work and this apartment was so much nicer. I felt so much better because I knew Andre would keep Dawson in check.

I felt like things were looking up. I loved going to Dawson's new place. I felt comfortable there unlike his last place. His apartment before that was small. His roommate was extremely dirty and never cleaned up after himself. He had random girls over all the time and they would chain smoke in the apartment so it smelled disgusting in there. Dawson basically lived in his room and he was miserable.
Now he could finally have a big place where he felt comfortable living. Our relationship was good at this point. We still had our occasional fights, but it wasn't awful.

Dawson was great with me, he wanted me to stay home and rest and not worry about picking him up from work all the time. He caught rides with Andre or friends from work. I felt like he was starting to put me first again. He was understandable and caring towards me. When we would see each other on the days we had off together we would have so much fun.
Even though things were going good, I still wanted Dawson to pay me back.

My time frame of 2015 is really blurry. I'm not sure exactly when things happened or what order. At this point I was in for over two years and I was so used to negative things happening that when they happened I stopped paying attention to the details.

What I know is that I was happy, at least I thought I was happy. Happiness is such a delicate word. Differing what was true and real from what was fake and a lie is undetermined. All I know is that this year, 2015, was the most difficult to come.

Why? I faced the truth.

31. Treatment

My dog saved my life, Buddie. It sounds crazy but he did.

 When I cut myself with my keys, it was pretty bad. I still have a scar from it. But that wasn't the last time I did it. I had a few nights where I just got so upset I needed to escape the sadness. Feeling like I was worthless took a toll on me. Why should I care about myself if no body else seemed to? That wasn't true though. I had many people that cared about me but I was blind to it because the only person I wanted the love from was Dawson.

I was in my bed one night, and Dawson and I were fighting about something. He hung up on me and would not answer my calls. He ignored me for over an hour and I lost my mind again. Only this time I wasn't thinking about making a small cut across my wrist, I was truly ready to end my life. I sat in my bed with a razor in my hand and just when I began to move towards my arm, Buddie pushed my door open and jumped on my bed, laid his head on my leg and looked up at me. I looked back at him while sobbing, and dropped the razor to the floor. I just grabbed him and held him. When he looked at me, it made me feel like he knew what I was about to do. If it wasn't for him running to my side, I'm not sure I would be here today.

At that moment I knew I needed to get professional help, but most importantly I needed my family and their support.

I went to my moms a couple days later and I was going to tell her right away what I had been feeling, but for some reason I couldn't. We just talked like we always did, and right before I went to leave she asked me what was wrong. I couldn't ever hide from my mom, and I started crying and told her what was going on and then I showed her my arm. She immediately got upset and hugged me and told me I was going to be okay. She wanted me to get help, and I gave her my word I was going to. I asked her to talk to my dad for me, because I couldn't bare to have that conversation with him, and she told me she would.
The next day I text my sister. I really didn't want her to know because of her being pregnant. I didn't want to upset her in any way, but I knew she was going to find out one way or another. So I sent her a text and she actually was angry with me. She was not happy with me and she let me know it. I regretted telling her from the minute I hit send.
After my mom talked to her, she apologized to me and told me she loved me.

I made an appointment with a therapist that same day.

I was nervous about my dad finding out, I knew he was going to be so upset with me and I was dreading any confrontation with him. I knew if he yelled at me it would just trigger my bad thoughts. I had nothing left in me. I mentally couldn't handle one more fight, or one more lecture. My mom told me she had told him, and he didn't handle it well. When my sister tried to talk to him about it, he didn't want to deal with it. Kassi was livid with him for his reaction. If my dad didn't want to deal with me or my situation that just meant I didn't need to face it with him, and that was a relief to me. Although it made me feel like I didn't matter to him at the same time. It was a lose lose for me. If my dad reacted and confronted me I would be even more upset than I already was, but with him not wanting a part of it, I was just as upset.

Dawson went to my therapy appointment with me for support. She talked with the both of us and asked basic questions. When she asked if I ever have had suicidal thoughts, I looked at Dawson, looked down and just started crying. I nodded my head yes, and she handed me a tissue. She asked me how often and if I have acted on the thoughts. When I told her about the cutting, she asked me if I would be willing to sign a suicide contract.
It's basically a contract stating that I will call for help if I have a suicidal thoughts before acting on it.
I signed the paper without hesitation. I really wanted to change my life and I did not want to hurt myself anymore.

I was completely selfish for wanting to take my own life. I thank God each and every day for sending Buddie in my room at that moment. I love my family and my friends so very much, that taking my life would have destroyed theirs.

Buddie is my angel, and without him I wouldn't be able to sit here tonight, and tell you my story.

30. The Letter

I'm going to type it out for everyone below, because it is hard to read and he wasn't the best at spelling, so I will be correcting the spelling so everyone can understand what he was saying.

" To the most important woman in my life!!! (Jenna Robosky)

It didn't always show, (No ones fault but my own. I always knew from the moment I first saw her. I had something I never had or even seen before. Her beauty and personality had never been scratched on the surface. It was like a Christmas present freshly wrapped under the tree appealing to anyone that had laid eyes on it, man, woman, and child alike. Jenna was one of a kind and all mine.

But in the light of my past I was caught up in lies and even drugs. I couldn't break the old habits I had developed from my past life. I was so used to lying to get through the day that sometimes I didn't even know what was a lie anymore (I had told so many different lies). I felt no one could love me for who I really was, but Jenna showed me wrong. I began lying to her over stupid stuff. Things that hurt more than what I was trying to cover up. Lies that cut her and hurt her so much that not any ordinary woman could ever get passed or through without "cutting a bitch!"

Jenna's love being so true and pure showed me that if I put the time and heart that she put into everything she did, that u could be a good person. I could be loved, I could have a happy and sober life. I owe Jenna Robosky so many things it will take a lifetime ad more just to come close to treating her the was she deserves.

Do you know the first thing I do every day is thank God for showing that good people do live on this earth and that the best one of all is sitting or laying right next to me in "OUR BED" and that I have a chance to be the man I always felt I was. So I can spend every moment I can with her "Just to see her smile." Thanks to Jenna Robosky I can live again!!!

I WILL NEVER MAKE THE SAME BAD CHOICES AGAIN!

I love you Jenna. Please Marry Me.

xoxoxxoo"

I cry when I read this, still. It's heartbreaking because I don't know if he meant any of this at the time. I don't know if he truly wanted to be a good man for me, and himself. I don't know, and I never will. That's what cuts the deepest, is not knowing what was even real, if anything ever was.

29. Seeking Help

 I have a million excuses for why I cut myself, but none of them are logical.

I did it to escape the thoughts in my head. I thought if I felt some kind of physical pain it would help me escape my real issues. It did for a minute, but then my problems only became bigger. I was tired of feeling like I wasn't enough. I didn't matter, and I just wanted to for once. I was pretty much living a double life for almost my entire relationship. I had to hide so many secrets and so much pain.

I wanted my dad to know about Dawson and I. I didn't want to be scolded for being with him, so hiding my life from my dad was more than difficult. Constantly being yelled at and lectured was unbearable. I love my dad, he's one of the biggest influences in my life, so living this lie and especially living a life he knew nothing about tore me apart. My sister had just found out she was pregnant, so I didn't want to bother her or upset her. I didn't have Kyla to talk to, it had been almost a year since we had spoke. I wanted to tell my mom how unstable I was becoming but I was scared to. Then there was Devlin. I could not tell Devlin this. She was just starting to make herself happy again and I didn't want to bring her down and worry her about me. I couldn't break her heart.

The only person I could think to talk to that wouldn't overreact was my friend Corey from work. He knew a little about the struggles I was having with Dawson and he always listened to me and gave me unbiased advice. I knew I needed to talk to someone because I didn't want to hurt myself again.

I did tell Dawson that I had cut myself and he got so upset over it. He blamed himself. I kept telling him it wasn't even though I felt like it was. Now it really was not his fault. I'm the one who chose to hurt myself, and it was my fault for letting things go as far as they did to push me into a depression like that.

When I went to work Corey asked me how things were just like he did every day, and I told him exactly what had happened and I showed him my arm. I just saw a shade of sadness come across his face, and my eyes then filled with tears. He asked me why I did it and made me promise I wouldn't do it again. He told me I should look into seeing a counselor but I told him I didn't want to go to one and that I would be alright.

It was maybe a week or two later. Dawson had told me he had heard something from a friend about Kyla and her fiancé. He told me that apparently her fiancé was cheating on her with the girl from Rosco's that Dawson and I had the issues with. Dawson loved finding that out because he did not like Kyla or her fiancé. But for me, well I felt this heavy weight on my shoulders. Whether Kyla and I were friends anymore or not, I loved her. I sat on it all day and I just knew I had to tell her. Even if it wasn't true, I had to at least let her know what was being said.

I was so nervous, and I knew this was going to cause a serious fight between Dawson and me, but if it were the other way around I would want to know. Plus the fact that Kyla would do the same for me. So I text her. I told her that I knew we hadn't talked in forever but I heard something disturbing and if she would call me that I would like to let her know what was going on. She called me immediately and it was so weird hearing her voice. I asked her how she was and we made small talk a bit and then I just told her what I was told. I told her she could do whatever she needed to with that information but I thought she needed to know. She then said she was getting married in a month so she absolutely needed to look into that. I couldn't believe she was getting married in a month. I missed out on so much it broke my heart.

As it turns out her fiancé was not cheating and it was all a big lie. The people who started the rumors were not so great of people. But I guess I can thank them for bringing Kyla back into my life.

Once Dawson found out I said something all hell broke loose. He told me he was supposed to keep that a secret and now the friends of his who told him this was all pissed. I didn't care though. Kyla deserved to know something like that. Kyla told me she confronted the girl and she told her there was absolutely nothing going on, but somehow in the conversation she told Kyla Dawson had been texting her. (This is the girl Dawson had slapped the butt of when he worked at Rosco's.

When Kyla delivered that information to me I lost it. Why would Dawson be talking to her? Dawson denied it and it caused a screaming battle. All of this happened within one night. I was in my car in the mall parking lot in the middle of the night fighting with him because I knew Dawson was lying about something. Dawson screamed at me while I sat there crying and he got out of my car and took off. I called him repeatedly and he answered. We went back and forth and I was just a crying mess. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and hung up  on him. I literally lost all control. I was tearing apart my car looking for something that I could hurt myself with. I had nothing so I took my key out of my ignition and started tearing across my wrist with it.

I cried and cried and just kept scraping it across my skin until I started bleeding and at that moment Dawson swung my car door open and ripped my keys out of my hand. He was panicking and he just grabbed me and held me and kept saying it was okay, I love you calm down. He just repeated that until I could catch my breath again.

He told me he was going to take me to the hospital. I begged him not to, I was too scared and didn't want my family to find out. I pleaded with him and he said he wouldn't take me but if it happened again he was going to.

I was so ashamed of myself. When did I become this person? When did death sound better than living?

28. Dangerous Choices

The rest of November and December is a blur.

I literally just wanted the year to end. There had been so many highs and lows, more lows than highs though. Christmas was coming and I knew not to expect anything from Dawson. Just another year with nothing to show for it. We had been engaged for a whole year. We had no plans for a wedding and no money to move in together. I had money but he didn't.

He wanted me to put a deposit down on a place since I had saved money and he would then help pay half the rent. I knew better though. Why would I put money down on something when he wasn't even paying his own bills to begin with? He would just screw me over and I'd be left in a house I couldn't afford.

Towards the end of December he had got a job at a restaurant right outside the mall. I could take him to and from work since it was on my route as well. I wanted to be excited, I wanted to feel a sense of relief, but I couldn't feel anything good.

I was living a lie to everyone. Some friends from work knew a little bit about the money Dawson owed me and how it was taking its toll on me, but they didn't know the extent of it.

When Christmas came Dawson and I went to my moms house and I put on a smile. It was hard to act like I was okay when inside I was dying. Dawson knew I was unhappy, he wasn't blind to it. To be honest I'm not sure if he even cared about how I felt. As long as he was doing okay and I was there to pick up the pieces nothing else mattered.

Christmas passed and 2014 was coming to an end.

Right after the new year began I had a few serious fights with Dawson. I was tired of being lied to and hurt. I was tired of lying to my family and my friends. I just wanted someone to take care of me for once.

A couple weeks into January I asked Dawson to start paying me back since he had received two paychecks from his new job. He kept making excuses for why he couldn't pay me.
We made plans to go get money out of his account after work one day and when he showed up to meet me he was upset. He said he went to get the money out and the ATM ate his debit card. I told him we could just go in the bank and they could get it for us. He told me that they were unable to get it till the next day because the manager wasn't there and that they were closing.
I knew he was lying because I go to that same bank every day to drop our work deposit and I know the hours so I told him they would still be opened and that we were going in. He instantly got mad and said he would handle it.
We went over to the bank and he went in. A minute later I went in the bank because I knew something was up. He was at the teller asking for a bank statement and I told her the ATM ate his card, She then said to me that's no problem we can get it for you. He just said no thanks I'm good and walked out of the bank. We got in the car and we started fighting. I began to cry a little because I caught him in yet another lie.

He went to get out of my car and I lost it. I wanted answers. He told me these guys he owed money to were threatening him. They said if Dawson didn't pay them back they would come after me. I didn't believe him, it just was so unrealistic. Of course I let him talk me into believing it and I really did for a moment there.

This lie, this new start to the new year set me over the edge. I couldn't handle one more lie. I started to think about suicide. I truly didn't want to deal with the feelings i had. I couldn't dare leave Dawson, I was far too in love with him. If i just died it would be easier. I wouldn't have to deal with the mental pain and the physical toll the stress was putting on my body. But I didn't want to die. I wanted help, but if I asked for help, everyone would know I was living a lie.

One day I got so upset my head starting spinning. I sat on the floor and rocked back and forth thinking why is this my life? I went to my kitchen and got a knife. I held it in my hand crying and then I cut myself across my arm.

That was the day I made the worst decision of my life.

27. Losing Myself

October brought me close with the people at Finish Line.

Those guys became my best friends and my family. A girl that had worked there for years, Callie, decided to come back once Ryan passed, we needed her help and she wanted to help. Ryan was an assistant manager so the position was now opened. Ryan always wanted me to be one but I never wanted it. Once he passed I wanted to make sure his shoes were filled by someone that truly cared about the job and someone that would pass his good management on. So I asked Tim if I could try for the promotion. He knew why I wanted the position, it was for Ryan. Tim put me into the training for it mid October.

Mac was a manager in training meaning he would eventually get his own store to run. Corey was the other assistant manager. Callie was our best sales associate who was once a manager as well. She and I became very close friends very quickly. Being the only two girls to work daily brought us together. All four of us became such good friends.

Dawson didn't like the fact that I was becoming so close with these guys. I had to hide the extent of my friendship from him because he would get so jealous. It was hard on me because these people were the ones who stood next to me every day and saw me go through bad times with Dawson. They were there for me when Ryan passed while Dawson was just not understanding.

Because of Dawson's jealousy he never knew how close Ryan and I were at work so when he saw how heartbroken I was over his passing he questioned my feelings for him. He asked me if there was something going on between us more than just friends. Dawson might have been a liar and not loyal at times, but I never did anything behind his back to deserve being questioned.

By the end of October I still wasn't happy. I hid my emotions very well though. Dawson had an idea of the kind of mental issues I was having. I felt lonely and lifeless. I was tired of paying Dawson's bills and getting nothing in return. It was almost November and he still was jobless. Yeah, he worked for his brother every now and then but his child support was unpaid.

My sister was throwing a Halloween party, and the night before I had asked Dawson if he was going to pay his rent and he said he would but he had to go get money off of his brother. I drove him into Latrobe and it was a wild goose chase. His brother was nowhere to be found and Dawson was being snappy with me when I started to question it. I remember it was raining and we got into a fight and he stormed out of my car. I left and drove around town. Once again Dawson had no money to pick up. It was one big made up lie. His brother paid him weeks ago but he spent his money on pills again!

When he finally got back into my car after some time apart I told him I didn't want to cause a scene. He was going to the Halloween party with me because I didn't need my sister asking a bunch of questions as to why he wasn't there and her finding out. I told him we needed to find a different solution because the constant lying and using couldn't continue.

I basically brushed off this relapse. I was so used to it happening that when it did I wasn't even upset or surprised. I paid his rent again come November 1st and shortly after that I started questioning my own life.

I cant pin point the exact moment I started to think my life was meaningless. I wasn't happy for awhile. I felt like I was digging this hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper.

Everybody would constantly talk about Ryan and say how they couldn't understand how he felt and why he did what he did. I would just agree with everyone but in my mind I could relate. I acted like everything was getting better. Each time someone would ask me how Dawson was I would lie for him. I would lie for myself. I would tell people he was clean and had been for months. It was easier to lie than to tell people that he was still using and I was paying all his bills.

It was mid November and he had been in and out of Domestic Relation hearings for backed up child support. He had been so behind that if he didn't pay $500 by the end of the week he would be put in jail. He came to me for help but I said no. Eventually I gave in and I paid his backed child support. If I would have let him go to jail he would have hated me. I couldn't accept him not loving me anymore.

I was doing so much for him that I was crumbling away myself. I cried every night. I just wanted things to get better.

He kept promising me that they would, but they weren't. I was drowning.