October brought me close with the people at Finish Line.
Those guys became my best friends and my family. A girl that had worked there for years, Callie, decided to come back once Ryan passed, we needed her help and she wanted to help. Ryan was an assistant manager so the position was now opened. Ryan always wanted me to be one but I never wanted it. Once he passed I wanted to make sure his shoes were filled by someone that truly cared about the job and someone that would pass his good management on. So I asked Tim if I could try for the promotion. He knew why I wanted the position, it was for Ryan. Tim put me into the training for it mid October.
Mac was a manager in training meaning he would eventually get his own store to run. Corey was the other assistant manager. Callie was our best sales associate who was once a manager as well. She and I became very close friends very quickly. Being the only two girls to work daily brought us together. All four of us became such good friends.
Dawson didn't like the fact that I was becoming so close with these guys. I had to hide the extent of my friendship from him because he would get so jealous. It was hard on me because these people were the ones who stood next to me every day and saw me go through bad times with Dawson. They were there for me when Ryan passed while Dawson was just not understanding.
Because of Dawson's jealousy he never knew how close Ryan and I were at work so when he saw how heartbroken I was over his passing he questioned my feelings for him. He asked me if there was something going on between us more than just friends. Dawson might have been a liar and not loyal at times, but I never did anything behind his back to deserve being questioned.
By the end of October I still wasn't happy. I hid my emotions very well though. Dawson had an idea of the kind of mental issues I was having. I felt lonely and lifeless. I was tired of paying Dawson's bills and getting nothing in return. It was almost November and he still was jobless. Yeah, he worked for his brother every now and then but his child support was unpaid.
My sister was throwing a Halloween party, and the night before I had asked Dawson if he was going to pay his rent and he said he would but he had to go get money off of his brother. I drove him into Latrobe and it was a wild goose chase. His brother was nowhere to be found and Dawson was being snappy with me when I started to question it. I remember it was raining and we got into a fight and he stormed out of my car. I left and drove around town. Once again Dawson had no money to pick up. It was one big made up lie. His brother paid him weeks ago but he spent his money on pills again!
When he finally got back into my car after some time apart I told him I didn't want to cause a scene. He was going to the Halloween party with me because I didn't need my sister asking a bunch of questions as to why he wasn't there and her finding out. I told him we needed to find a different solution because the constant lying and using couldn't continue.
I basically brushed off this relapse. I was so used to it happening that when it did I wasn't even upset or surprised. I paid his rent again come November 1st and shortly after that I started questioning my own life.
I cant pin point the exact moment I started to think my life was meaningless. I wasn't happy for awhile. I felt like I was digging this hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper.
Everybody would constantly talk about Ryan and say how they couldn't understand how he felt and why he did what he did. I would just agree with everyone but in my mind I could relate. I acted like everything was getting better. Each time someone would ask me how Dawson was I would lie for him. I would lie for myself. I would tell people he was clean and had been for months. It was easier to lie than to tell people that he was still using and I was paying all his bills.
It was mid November and he had been in and out of Domestic Relation hearings for backed up child support. He had been so behind that if he didn't pay $500 by the end of the week he would be put in jail. He came to me for help but I said no. Eventually I gave in and I paid his backed child support. If I would have let him go to jail he would have hated me. I couldn't accept him not loving me anymore.
I was doing so much for him that I was crumbling away myself. I cried every night. I just wanted things to get better.
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