32. The Battle

I went to counseling two times a week.

My therapist thought it would be best for me to do an hour individual session and an hour session with Dawson. Dawson was the stem to a lot of my problems so he needed to hear how I was feeling.
The first few sessions were tough for me because I didn't want to admit to a lot of my problems. I was in a co-dependent relationship and that was the most unhealthy relationship to be in. I had put my life on hold to take care of Dawson's. Even though I took on a "care taker" role I still depended on him for love and approval when I should have been depending on myself for that.

In the time I spent at therapy I learned a lot about myself and my relationship that I needed to. Dawson agreed to stop lying and to be more honest in communication along with trying harder to do more for himself and to allow me to take care of myself and ambitions. He also promised to go to NA Meetings and to let me handle his money.

I stopped going to therapy a little after a month. I didn't stop going because I felt better, but I stopped because I felt like my therapist was not helping me. I felt very judged and pushed aside. It was almost as she was rushing my progress.

I should have found a new therapist, but instead I stopped therapy all together. Dawson held up his promises for about two weeks and then went back to his old ways. However I did start to do more for myself. I stopped lending him money and I let his finances be his own responsibility. I stopped cutting myself, and I started to spend more time with my family.

Dawson gave me about $50 after counseling to start paying me back. That was a one time payment. He stopped giving me money and had an excuse every time. Dawson owed me close to $2000 at this point and I was done. I wouldn't give him a dime more, and I wouldn't constantly make an effort to go out on a date when I would just have to pay for that too.

I loved him and wanted to go places and do fun things, but I was tired of always paying.

Andre, our friend, asked Dawson to move in with him and his roommate. He said he really needed the financial help and Dawson would be doing them a favor. Andre said he would only have to pay a total of $260 a month. That would save Dawson $40 a month from what he was paying now. He jumped at the opportunity to get out of his crappy apartment with a kid he couldn't stand to be around. We moved him out and we were both so excited about the fresh start. He was a lot closer to work and this apartment was so much nicer. I felt so much better because I knew Andre would keep Dawson in check.

I felt like things were looking up. I loved going to Dawson's new place. I felt comfortable there unlike his last place. His apartment before that was small. His roommate was extremely dirty and never cleaned up after himself. He had random girls over all the time and they would chain smoke in the apartment so it smelled disgusting in there. Dawson basically lived in his room and he was miserable.
Now he could finally have a big place where he felt comfortable living. Our relationship was good at this point. We still had our occasional fights, but it wasn't awful.

Dawson was great with me, he wanted me to stay home and rest and not worry about picking him up from work all the time. He caught rides with Andre or friends from work. I felt like he was starting to put me first again. He was understandable and caring towards me. When we would see each other on the days we had off together we would have so much fun.
Even though things were going good, I still wanted Dawson to pay me back.

My time frame of 2015 is really blurry. I'm not sure exactly when things happened or what order. At this point I was in for over two years and I was so used to negative things happening that when they happened I stopped paying attention to the details.

What I know is that I was happy, at least I thought I was happy. Happiness is such a delicate word. Differing what was true and real from what was fake and a lie is undetermined. All I know is that this year, 2015, was the most difficult to come.

Why? I faced the truth.