Thank You

In writing about my relationship, I relived it. It really opened my eyes to how many things were right in front of my face, but when I was in the situation I didn't see it.

Love really is blind. Love makes you do some stupid things.

My family and my friends have been absolutely amazing and supportive, and none of you gave up on me and I cant even thank you enough. I wouldn't be the person I am today without any of you.

Kassi Schmidt

Vickie Robosky

John Robosky

Amanda Berkheimer

Ranae Poponick

Krista Reckart

Courtney Rickard

Danielle Dirado

Marissa Hall

Tom Murawski

Patrick Chiaverini

Cody Galo

Matt McHenry
Piff

And to all of the new friends I have made, you know who you are, and to the people who have reached out to me since I started this blog. Thank you, and I love you all!

The many of you that have messaged me about situations you are in, just know you deserve more. Love yourself, and put yourself first. There is no shame in taking care of yourself first. Don't throw away years of your life hoping to change someone. You can not put your life on hold to fix someone else. You will lose yourself, and you are too amazing to do that.

-J.Lynn

38. Live and Let Go

Ending an almost three year relationship was hard. Trying to move on was harder though.

I chose not to speak to Dawson after we broke up. I felt it was best to cut all contact, but that didn't mean he didn't try to reach out to me. He did, and it wasn't polite. The first time he reached out to me was a couple days after, and he was angry. He told me he wanted Buddie back. That he was his dog, and he wanted him back. Now, after two years of me taking care of him, paying for his food, giving him a good home, paying for his shots and all his vet visits, Dawson wanted to claim Buddie as his. I started to panic. I didn't want him to take my dog, so I immediately went to the court house and permanently got a license for Buddie under my name, and then also got his micro-chip information off of Dawson's ex wife and made sure that all was under my name as well. Buddie was the one thing I had out of our relationship that brought me true happiness, and I would fight to the death to make sure Dawson couldn't take that away from me.
I blocked Dawson's number for a few days because I knew he was angry, and I didn't want to see any potential messages he was going to send me.

After a few days, I unblocked him. He text me again, only this time in sadness and with apology. Dawson and I had gone a couple weeks without speaking or texting before we finally had a conversation. It was the end of September when we finally talked. He wanted to get back together, but I told him we couldn't be together. Not that I didn't want to be with him, but he had made no progress to do anything he promised me. He told me he wouldn't give up, and that he was going to fight until the end to be with me. He told me he had took his special points text and that he was to be getting his license back, and he was looking into getting a car. I couldn't believe that he FINALLY did it. So Dawson and I started spending time together again. We were not together, but our hearts were saved for one another until the time was right.

I had got a job offer with a new retail company to be a part of their management team, and the opportunity was too good to pass. This was huge for me, and I was happy Dawson was around to be a part of the excitement.

Dawson and I spent a couple weeks together, and things were going great. We weren't fighting, but he kept trying to push for us to be back together. I couldn't be with him. His license still didn't come, apparently he had to pay towards his restitution before he could get it. Dawson asked me to go to dinner with him a few days in advance, and of course I said yes. I was excited. We were basically starting over, but this time in the right way. Dawson ended up cancelling our date the morning of because he didn't have the money to take me out because he said he paid his restitution to get his license. I was really upset that he let me down. I wasn't about to forgive him this time either. I felt like it was just another excuse to add to the huge pile he already had from the years we were together.

Once that date was cancelled, Dawson started to act distant. It was like he didn't care about getting back together anymore. He barely called me or tried to make another date. I loved being with him again, so I tried to put the effort in. I thought maybe he was getting discouraged and just needed a push. I asked him to go shopping with me to get new clothes for my new job.

We were walking through the mall, when I heard a guy behind me yelling, "Hey what's up man?" Dawson and I turned around and it was a guy and his girlfriend. He was yelling to Dawson, and before you know it they were in each others faces. I heard the guy say to Dawson, "Why the fuck are you throwing my name around to Nick? He wont sell to me now" I started to panic, I felt like I was going to throw up. I walked away and found the closest staircase and sat down. I put my hands on my head and I just tried to catch my breath. Everything clicked.

A month before I had picked up a job waitressing at a local bar. One of the girls waitressing with me had previously worked with Dawson. I asked her if she knew him, and he response was, "Oh yeah, he used to do dope with Frank." When she said that I got pale white. I asked her if she was talking about heroin and she said yes. I was sick to my stomach. I knew Dawson was messing with pills ever since we moved out of our apartment, but I was certain he had not touched heroin. I at least thought that, I believed that much from Dawson. I asked her more about it. She told me he would do it with Frank every day, and that they would borrow money off each other and constantly fight about it. She said she watched Frank shoot it up Dawson's arm for him. I wanted to pass out. Everything she was saying was so crazy to me. How could he do that again? I almost didn't want to believe her, so I asked more questions. She told me the dealer they got it off of, his name was Nick and he lived in Youngwood. I text Dawson and told him we needed to talk. When I got off work I drove out to his work and told him everything she had told me and then I asked him if it was true. He said absolutely not and that she was the one shooting dope with Frank. Dawson pulled the one bartender aside and said so and so told Jenna I was shooting dope with Frank, and she laughed and said you mean she was the one shooting dope with him? Dawson then thanked her for verifying that. So I believe him. I figured maybe she thought Dawson had told me things about her and she was trying to cover up and turn it around on him. I let it go after that.

So when I say everything clicked, I mean it. Frank just confronted Dawson in the middle of the mall directly in front of my face. I heard the words come out of his mouth about drugs, and dealing. That was the moment I became scared of the man I was in love with. He walked over to the staircase and tried to talk to me but I was in a total panic I could barely move. He walked away from me. He just left me there on the staircase shaking. I knew from that moment Dawson had been lying to me about every single thing that had ever happened. All the times he told me he was hanging out with Frank, or working late, or why he didn't have money. It all pieced together.

Being the girl that I am, I tried to make it work with him after that for about a month until it became so evident he didn't really have a care in the world for me. December came, and Dawson and I weren't even seeing each other anymore. We talked, but that was it. He still told me he wanted to be with me and that he wouldn't give up. Christmas came and we told each other we missed each other and that we loved each other, but that was it.

Time crept by, and January 11th came. I went to the bar for the first time since Dawson and I ended our relationship, and I had a little too much to drink. When I got in my car I instantly started crying. I missed him so much and I just wanted to see him. I made the mistake of calling him. His phone was off, and that's when I realized he moved on. Dawson only ever shut his phone off if he was doing something he shouldn't have been. I called his roommate, Andre, and asked him if I could talk to Dawson. He told me he wasn't home and that he has barely seen him in weeks. I just lost it, I knew he was with another girl. When I got home, I went into my room and fell to my knees. I wanted to kill myself. This was the first time I had a suicidal thought in close to eight months. I text my friend Corey for help and he talked me through it.

After that night, I decided I needed to let go. Dawson had contacted me the next night saying, "Oh my god baby I'm sorry I was at a party drinking and my phone died I swear I wasn't with another girl" I told him to save his bullshit for someone else. I knew what he was doing.

A week later he told me he had moved in with another girl. Not because he loved her or wanted her, but because he had no where else to go. I told him to go fuck himself and that he disgusted me among many other things.

Dawson was on to the next girl. To use up, manipulate, and break just as he did me. And honestly, I don't feel even an ounce of pity for the girl. She knew about me, and us. They worked together so she was well aware of who I was. Whether we were officially together or not, we were us. I guess I could thank her, because without him moving on with her, who knows what downhill spiral I would be in right now.

It's March 20th, 2016 and I haven't spoke to Dawson since January 21st and I do not plan on ever talking to him again.

I would never in a million years take back the three years I spent with him. I learned to be smart, kind, selfless, and understanding. I have become a much stronger person because of him. I loved him, more than I have loved anyone in my life. I always will look back and remember that first smile we gave each other, the first kiss, the first hand hold. I will hold onto those memories with my life. Everything else, I will forgive, but never will I forget.

I can now look forward to my future, and nothing will ever take away my happiness again.

I know what I deserve, and I won't settle for anything less again.

37. Breaking Up

When I went into my room that night to talk to Dawson, things just got more emotional than they already were.

He blamed me for everything. I was so manipulated by him that I believed him. We went back and forth for about a half an hour about all the problems we had. He told me that it was getting to the point where he didn't want to be with me anymore. Of course, I begged him not to leave me. I promised him that I wouldn't bother him about paying me back anymore and that he could go and do whatever he wanted and I wouldn't question him anymore. I took the blame for every little problem and made him feel he had nothing to be ashamed of. He asked me to come see him and by this point it was after 11pm. I knew I had to go see him or else we might not make it.
I went upstairs, and grabbed my keys from the kitchen and when I turned my dad was standing beside me. He gave me a serious look and asked me where I was going. I told him just out, and he told me I better not be going to see Dawson. I just looked at him, and he told me he heard all of my conversation. I immediately got defensive and asked him why he was listening to my conversation. He told me he could hear me through the vents. He then proceeded to tell me how pathetic I sounded. As my eyes filled with tears, I just stared blankly at my dad. He said to me, "How much money does that piece of shit owe you?" I looked at him, and then put my head to the floor and said, "$2000.00" He instantly just yelled at me. He told me that I work so damn hard for my money and I was just handing it out to someone who doesn't do a single thing for me. He looked at me with so much sadness and hurt and just asked me why I was doing this to myself. I started crying and answered with the reasoning that I loved him. I told my dad I didn't want to do it anymore but I couldn't walk away. Dawson was all I knew, and I knew how to love him selflessly. I didn't know how to live my life without him in it. My dad looked me in the eyes and told me he wouldn't stand by and watch his daughter throw her life away. I cried and told him that I wasn't doing anything with my life so what was the difference. I said that I was still living at home because I couldn't afford to leave and I knew he was annoyed with me being 25 and still living in his house. My dad argued with that. He said I worked a full time job, helped him out with my brother, and that he was not annoyed with me being there. He told me I could stay as long as I needed to. He hugged me and told me he would help me with anything I needed.
That conversation changed my life. Instead of going to Dawson's, I turned around and walked back down to my room.
I told Dawson I was not coming over, and that I was going to bed.
I went to bed that night with a heavy heart. My dad was right, and I was so tired of being hurt, and hurting my family. I knew Dawson and I couldn't be together anymore.

The next day, I woke up and for the first time in almost 3 years, I did not text or call Dawson. He text me around noon and apologized for the night before and told me he loved me. I didn't text him back, I just didn't know what to say. About an hour or two after that he text me again. I text him back telling him I was lost for words and just didn't know what to say. I said that I needed to think about how I felt. He text me back telling me he understood and that he loved me very much.

It wasn't until about 8 at night when I finally decided I needed to end it. Now, obviously I know texting him to break up with him was a shitty way to do it, but Dawson was so good at manipulating me that if I would have called or done it in person, I would have changed my mind and stayed with him. So I sent him a text. I don't know what my exact words were, but I just explained to him that even though I loved him with every ounce of me, it just was not enough. I was not happy, and I was tired of being let down. Nothing was changing and I couldn't continue to live a life like we were.
When he text me back, he just said that he didn't agree with my decision but he had to respect it.

I just sat there with my phone in my hand and stared at the wall. I just sat there for a few hours and stared. I didn't call anyone, and I didn't even cry. I just sat there in silence by myself.

If my dad didn't stop me the night before, I'm not sure I would have ever left him. My dad saved me.

36. Take Back

Two years, eight months, and some days have gone by at this point. I am still here. Dawson and I are still here living the same life as we did from day one. The only difference is, there is no more endless hope and happiness.

Countless promises, countless sleepless nights, countless tears, and a crushed spirit is what I have took from Dawson. It's hard to talk about the good, when there has been too much bad. I tried everything at this point. I tried holding his hand, pushing him to do more, standing back and letting him make his own choices, walking away, begging him to stay, just everything. I tried EVERYTHING.

He promised me a new start on my birthday, but that was just another week of acting better, and falling back into routine. I worked a lot that month, it was back to school season at Finish Line. Dawson worked mostly opposite shifts as me. He always worked later than he was supposed to, or at least that's what he told me.

My free days, he worked a double those days, as if that wasn't convenient for him. Kyla kept me very busy, and I planned my weeks with her and stopped planning around Dawson.

The end of August came, and Kyla and I took her daughter to her first county fair. We had an incredible night. Later, she had pointed out how she noticed a change in my behavior towards Dawson. I used to stare at my phone waiting on him to call or text so I could run to him, but now I barely looked at my phone. She was right, and I hadn't even noticed that had changed.

I had told her how I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore because I could never have the life I wanted, and nothing was changing in all this time. She encouraged me to follow my heart, and to do what was best for my future. Of course this was something I had been thinking about for quite some time. There were a million things that had gone through my head in the past few months. I wondered where I would be at this moment if I chose Mick over Dawson. Would I be married? Would I have kids? Would I be more successful? Or what if I didn't choose to be with either one of them back when all of this started. Where would I be then? I asked myself a million and one questions. At the end of me racking my brain, I came to the same conclusion every single time. I wouldn't take back being with Dawson at any given time. I would have ran to him every time if I went back in time. The man I fell in love with is an incredibly selfless loving person.

September came quickly, and Dawson and I were not fighting at all. We hadn't fought in a few weeks. Things were actually looking up. I don't know if it was the fact that I had my own life for the first time in a very long time or that Dawson didn't feel like upsetting me any more. Whatever the reason was, I took it with a grain of salt. It was only a matter of time until something came up.

I wanted to spend as much time with Callie as possible because she was moving to Florida the second week of September. I was so sad she was moving because she had become one of my very best friends. She helped me get through so many terrible times due to Dawson and my relationship.

I knew I still had Kyla, and that I could call Callie every day so I knew everything would be okay.

Callie moved a couple weeks later, and within days of her leaving, the blow out with Dawson finally came. I knew it was only a matter of time until we had a fight, but this one was very different.

This fight was the fight that was going to end it all.

It started like any other fight usually did. I went to pick up money from him, and as always he was gone. Only this time his doors were unlocked. I went in and called him asking where he was and it was not any different than the last few times. He didn't answer me. I had ENOUGH. I honestly could not handle going through this again. He had my Xbox again, so I immediately packed it up. I went into his room and started tearing through his clothes looking for drugs. I didn't find any, but Dawson was a professional liar, so I'm sure he hid them well.

When he finally called me back, he immediately started yelling at me. He called me a bitch and said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was screaming back at him crying uncontrollably just asking what exactly I did to deserve any of this. He told me I was a controlling bitch among other things. I asked him to just meet me and talk to me but he said he was out walking around and I felt like he was just lying more to me. He hung up on me and sent me a picture of him outside in the dark giving me the middle finger. Not only was he calling me names, he decided a disrespectful picture would just put the icing on the cake. I was shaking and just chose to give up. When I got in my driveway he called me again. I kept it cool while I walked in my house because I didn't want my dad to know what was going on. I went down to my room and continued the conversation.

What happened next changed EVERYTHING.

Video Diary 3 Happiness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GND-AexwHKc

35. The Last Summer

I spent the summer of 2015 feeling alone, wishing for more.

I could break it down month by month, but nothing happened worth talking about. There was only one day over the summer that I can remember feeling a little bit of happiness.

Dawson surprised me with a tanning package and then we went shopping and he bought me a dress and a pair of shorts. We then went to look for a bicycle so we could go on rides over the summer. I ended up not getting one, but the excitement of that day together was more than memorable. He tried to do everything for me that night. That in itself was everything and more. It wasn't that he bought me things, it was the fact he cared enough to put me before himself and his wants. That didn't happen often. I always felt guilty if he bought me something so I would buy him something in return. I don't know why I felt I needed to, but I did every single time.

I had a lot of great days with Dawson over the span of our relationship, but the bad days outweighed the good days. I knew it had to end one way or another.

I started to spend a lot of time with Kyla and Callie. I kept busy with them and planning my sisters baby shower. Dawson and I were not going to survive much longer. We barely spent any time together. Our work schedules didn't match up, and I didn't want to put a lot of effort into being with him if he wasn't going to make any effort.
I kept myself distracted, when I should have been handling the real issue at hand. If I didn't have Kyla and Callie to depend on each day, I wouldn't have made it through. Those girls gave me so much strength and they don't even know it.

Seeing Kyla with her daughter, and witnessing a change in her soul and strength helped me in ways I cant even begin to explain. I spent every day off of work with her and her daughter. Dawson was not happy about it one bit. One evening he got off of work and decided he wanted to take a nap. Normally I would sit at home and wait on him to want to see me. Usually the waiting didn't end because he would sleep all night. So I decided to go to Kyla's house. I left her house around 11pm that night and Dawson had called. He asked what I was doing and I told him driving home from Kyla's. He got angry with me for going to see her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to see him all the time. He told me he didn't want to "do this anymore" and he hung up on me.
I should have cared, but I didn't. If he wanted to break up with me for seeing my best friend who I once lost, than I did not care. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. When I got home he sent me a long text message explaining how it hurts him that I make more of an effort to spend time with Kyla than I did with him. He also stated he couldn't be with me if I was going to be friends with her because she probably just talks badly about him, and tries to keep me from being with him.

Dawson couldn't have been more wrong and I told him that. I explained to him how if he makes me choose between him and Kyla, it would be Kyla every time. I also told him how Kyla did nothing but support me and my every decision and that she did not speak one negative word towards him at any point. She put the past behind her and he should have too. Dawson apologized to me and said he would accept that I was friends with her but he would never be friends with her or her husband again.

I surrounded myself with the people I could depend on. Callie was amazing, being as we had only been friends for a short time. She was always there for me to hold me up on my weak days. She kept me grounded at work, and when I had an off day and just couldn't handle whatever came my way, she was there to back me up. Her and Corey both always had my back at work, and outside of work.

August was creeping up and my birthday was coming. I didn't expect anything from anyone this year. My sister was insanely pregnant, my dad and brother were going to the beach, and Dawson never planned anything for me for any holiday let alone my birthday. I planned on turning 25 sitting on Dawson's couch watching a movie. Dawson however promised me something special this year. I didn't want to get my hopes up to much, because any ordinary time I was just let down.

I tried to push my negative feelings aside and get excited for my birthday. If Dawson had something planned, then maybe things were actually changing.

 A few days before my birthday, Dawson ended up in the hospital again. He had an infection that wasn't going away from a previous surgery on his kidney.

I spent my birthday visiting Dawson in the hospital and sitting at home eating dinner alone.
One thing Dawson was able to keep his surprise on was the Vera Bradley purse and wallet gift he bought me. Months before, Dawson and I were walking through town and stopped in this boutique that sells Vera Bradley. I had fallen in love with that set and wanted it badly. I was planning on buying it for myself eventually, but he beat me to it. I couldn't believe he remembered which pattern and style I wanted. It was amazing. He never bought me a birthday gift before, so this meant everything and more to me. He really tried.

Along with the gift came a card that wrote,

"I love you and let this be the first of many good birthdays of yours we have together, Love -----"

I asked him why he put first of many birthdays because this was my third with him. He responded by telling me the first of many he will do it right, and be better.

With tears filling my eyes, I thanked him with every ounce of my heart and told him I loved him.

34. Learning To Be Alone

I started to distance myself because I knew things weren't going to change.

I spent a lot of time at home, and a lot less time with Dawson. I might have gone to his house once a week, and I barely made an effort to give him rides anywhere. He could definitely tell I was drifting away, and for the first time in forever he seemed like that mattered to him.

Maybe it was some time before May when Dawson told me he wanted to buy me dinner. I couldn't remember the last time he actually wanted to take me out somewhere and pay himself. This was a huge deal to me. I went out and bought a dress and everything. I spent a good while getting ready for our date, and then headed to his house.

That day was one of my happiest with him. He made me feel special, and loved. Something I hadn't felt in a long time with him. We ended up going to his work for dinner, and then headed to the candy store in the mall afterwards. Living in that moment made me not want to give up on us just yet.

It was one perfect date. Because of just that ONE, I fell back into the same cycle I had been in for two and a half years.

After that date, we were happy and getting along for about a week, and then the fighting began again.
Truthfully, I don't even remember half of our fights, but they always came down to the same thing at the end of the day. Lying and money.

Dawson was supposed to pay me, and so he told me I could come to his house and get the money. When I showed up, of course he wasn't home. Why would he be? He wasn't any other time he told me to come get money. After waiting and waiting he finally showed up. He was very closed off towards me and wouldn't tell me where he was. When I asked him for my money, it was the same as it always was. He didn't have it. I asked him why and he said he spent it. Of course I got upset and asked the same questions I always did, but instead of lying to me he chose to not answer me.
Dawson told me he was a grown man and could do whatever he wanted with his money. He told me he was tired of me trying to control what he does with his money. He also told me he didn't want to be tied down, and that I pressured him into proposing to me.

Of every single lie and manipulation technique Dawson had used in the past, this one really struck a chord. How in the hell did I EVER pressure him into proposing to me? I never gave him an ultimatum or pushed him into doing it so early on.

I just looked at him with my jaw dropped to the floor. I was lost for words, he had to of completely lost his mind. I remember telling him something along the lines of not having to worry about being tied down. He could spend his money as he pleased but he couldn't continue to not pay me. If he didn't want to save money that's fine, and if he didn't want to be engaged that's fine too. I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to act like an adult though.

Dawson's irrational behavior only lasted about two weeks until he told me he was ready to commit.
He might have been ready to pretend to start acting like he was engaged and a 33 year old, but I was just about over all his bullshit. I started to prepare myself to leave him, I knew it was what I needed to do.

I talked to my friend Callie every single day about Dawson, and she knew I had to get away from him. She also knew I wanted to. It was just a matter of when I was ready to let go. I went over it in my head repeatedly, but I came to the same result every time.
I could leave Dawson, but would I be happy? Yes I wouldn't have to deal with being lied to and I wouldn't have to stress about everything anymore. But the fact was I loved him, regardless of how he  treated me, and regardless of how much he lied to me. So leaving him, whether or not it was best for me was an agonizing pain I didn't want to deal with.

My love for him was real, but love isn't always enough. I knew that.