I started to distance myself because I knew things weren't going to change.
I spent a lot of time at home, and a lot less time with Dawson. I might have gone to his house once a week, and I barely made an effort to give him rides anywhere. He could definitely tell I was drifting away, and for the first time in forever he seemed like that mattered to him.
Maybe it was some time before May when Dawson told me he wanted to buy me dinner. I couldn't remember the last time he actually wanted to take me out somewhere and pay himself. This was a huge deal to me. I went out and bought a dress and everything. I spent a good while getting ready for our date, and then headed to his house.
That day was one of my happiest with him. He made me feel special, and loved. Something I hadn't felt in a long time with him. We ended up going to his work for dinner, and then headed to the candy store in the mall afterwards. Living in that moment made me not want to give up on us just yet.
It was one perfect date. Because of just that ONE, I fell back into the same cycle I had been in for two and a half years.
After that date, we were happy and getting along for about a week, and then the fighting began again.
Truthfully, I don't even remember half of our fights, but they always came down to the same thing at the end of the day. Lying and money.
Dawson was supposed to pay me, and so he told me I could come to his house and get the money. When I showed up, of course he wasn't home. Why would he be? He wasn't any other time he told me to come get money. After waiting and waiting he finally showed up. He was very closed off towards me and wouldn't tell me where he was. When I asked him for my money, it was the same as it always was. He didn't have it. I asked him why and he said he spent it. Of course I got upset and asked the same questions I always did, but instead of lying to me he chose to not answer me.
Dawson told me he was a grown man and could do whatever he wanted with his money. He told me he was tired of me trying to control what he does with his money. He also told me he didn't want to be tied down, and that I pressured him into proposing to me.
Of every single lie and manipulation technique Dawson had used in the past, this one really struck a chord. How in the hell did I EVER pressure him into proposing to me? I never gave him an ultimatum or pushed him into doing it so early on.
I just looked at him with my jaw dropped to the floor. I was lost for words, he had to of completely lost his mind. I remember telling him something along the lines of not having to worry about being tied down. He could spend his money as he pleased but he couldn't continue to not pay me. If he didn't want to save money that's fine, and if he didn't want to be engaged that's fine too. I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to act like an adult though.
Dawson's irrational behavior only lasted about two weeks until he told me he was ready to commit.
He might have been ready to pretend to start acting like he was engaged and a 33 year old, but I was just about over all his bullshit. I started to prepare myself to leave him, I knew it was what I needed to do.
I talked to my friend Callie every single day about Dawson, and she knew I had to get away from him. She also knew I wanted to. It was just a matter of when I was ready to let go. I went over it in my head repeatedly, but I came to the same result every time.
I could leave Dawson, but would I be happy? Yes I wouldn't have to deal with being lied to and I wouldn't have to stress about everything anymore. But the fact was I loved him, regardless of how he treated me, and regardless of how much he lied to me. So leaving him, whether or not it was best for me was an agonizing pain I didn't want to deal with.
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