It was a downhill spiral. Yeah days and weeks were great and I believed in a forever change, but that change never came.
Dawson didn't last much longer at Rosco's. He said he wouldn't stand for the disrespect he was getting. He decided to walk out one day. I wanted him to wait and put his notice in but he just got so angry he walked right out a few hours into his shift. There were always two options with Dawson. One was to argue with him and get nowhere, or to just support his decisions whether I agreed with them. So I chose to support him. I was so scared I would make him angry and chase him away if I argued that I just told him it was okay to quit.Dawson was under the impression that finding a new job would be easy. He took a week off just to relax and enjoy not working but once that week ended he was hunting for jobs. He only had a few options that were in walking distance so once those options ran out we had to try somewhere he could take the bike trails to in downtown Greensburg. I promised him I would drive him as often as I could and pick him up almost every night if he found something. There was a position opened at this high class restaurant for a chef. This job would be perfect for Dawson. He could get back into cooking, his real passion. They hired him on the spot. As soon as his first week there he had a serious infection hit him from his kidney stones. He was in the hospital for a couple days. His new boss was completely understanding about it which was great, but Dawson really needed to get back to work.
By the time Dawson started this job it was somewhere towards the end of May, if not beginning of June of 2014. I loved that he was so happy with his new job, it was almost like I got a glimpse of the Dawson I had originally met. Of course he wasn't the same, because people change and I was only hoping this change would be a good change. I drove Dawson to work and picked him up at night most of the time. I would go for runs with Buddie around town while waiting for him to get off work. We had a good routine going and all was well.
My fears of Dawson using again never went away, in fact that were getting worse. With all his kidney issues I never knew what would happen. It was almost like a waiting game. Things were good, and when they were good something bad was bound to happen. It was inevitable. I asked Dawson every few days how he was feelings as far as his recovery and kidneys went. I would ask if he was having any cravings and he would say no. Sometimes, and it was not often, he would text me at odd hours telling me he was having cravings, and I would do everything I could to keep his mind off of drugs. I felt helpless though.
June came and that was one year since his relapse with heroin. I couldn't believe an entire year went by since we lost our apartment and started over. It was such a long hard year, but we conquered through it. We made it through the ups and downs and still were at each others sides. If we would do that there was no telling what we could do. I was not happy that Dawson still didn't have any money saved. Without money we couldn't get a new place together or he couldn't get his license back along with a car. I had been working at the golf course about two months and had saved $1000. My goal was to save $5000 by the end of the summer. Dawson didn't set a goal for himself other than to save enough money to have half of a deposit for a place we could get together.
The rest of the summer went by. We spent a lot of time together and had so many wonderful days. Dinners, movies, and walks together. We went to Twin Lakes for a festival over July 4th with my mother and grandmother. We really were happy. Dawson had several surgeries for his kidneys during the summer as well. But he was making it through. He was also saving money. He had about $800 saved within two months. I was so proud of him. My birthday was less than a month away, August 3rd, and I thought for the first time he would actually have the money to do something for me. I was excited.
July was sneaking by and Dawson didn't seem to like his job anymore. Every day he would complain about someone. He said the owners were treating him badly and giving him problems about missing work from his kidney issues. I knew as soon as he said he wanted a new job, things were going to go bad again. Dawson's behavior patterns were starting to become easy for me to understand and know what was going on. Dawson just doesn't get angry over nothing. He gets angry easily if he's having drug related problems.
Dawson quit the job and I questioned him. I knew something was going on. He snapped on me and told me he was in pain every day and could barely make it through work. He blamed me for making him work without medication.
----I'll be honest, whatever was said and the occurrence of this issue I cant remember at all. I pretty much blocked this fight out.-----
Dawson no longer had a dime to his name and couldn't pay his rent on August 1st. He had spent every last penny in his account on these pills called "Opana" apparently he was buying the strongest ones out there which cost him about $75 a pill. From my understanding and what he explained to me, Opana's are pretty much morphine in pill form.
Once again everything was dwindling apart, only this time I didn't even leave him. I paid his rent for him without him asking. I hugged him and told him to take a couple weeks off and I would help him stay clean.
I didn't tell a soul about this relapse. I was so tired of being judged and lectured. Not to mention to looks of disappointed I got. I couldn't bare to handle it.
I knew I would not be doing anything for my birthday. He felt bad that yet another year he didn't get anything for me. The year before he took me to dinner and Kyla and her fiancé went to Livermore with us. But he didn't get me a gift. This year I wouldn't be getting a gift or even a dinner, but it was my choice to stay with him in spite of all that. I acted like I didn't care as I always did and focused on being there for him. I didn't matter, only Dawson did.
Two weeks went by and Dawson needed to start looking for a new job, I couldn't afford to take care of him and all his bills including my own.
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