36. Take Back

Two years, eight months, and some days have gone by at this point. I am still here. Dawson and I are still here living the same life as we did from day one. The only difference is, there is no more endless hope and happiness.

Countless promises, countless sleepless nights, countless tears, and a crushed spirit is what I have took from Dawson. It's hard to talk about the good, when there has been too much bad. I tried everything at this point. I tried holding his hand, pushing him to do more, standing back and letting him make his own choices, walking away, begging him to stay, just everything. I tried EVERYTHING.

He promised me a new start on my birthday, but that was just another week of acting better, and falling back into routine. I worked a lot that month, it was back to school season at Finish Line. Dawson worked mostly opposite shifts as me. He always worked later than he was supposed to, or at least that's what he told me.

My free days, he worked a double those days, as if that wasn't convenient for him. Kyla kept me very busy, and I planned my weeks with her and stopped planning around Dawson.

The end of August came, and Kyla and I took her daughter to her first county fair. We had an incredible night. Later, she had pointed out how she noticed a change in my behavior towards Dawson. I used to stare at my phone waiting on him to call or text so I could run to him, but now I barely looked at my phone. She was right, and I hadn't even noticed that had changed.

I had told her how I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore because I could never have the life I wanted, and nothing was changing in all this time. She encouraged me to follow my heart, and to do what was best for my future. Of course this was something I had been thinking about for quite some time. There were a million things that had gone through my head in the past few months. I wondered where I would be at this moment if I chose Mick over Dawson. Would I be married? Would I have kids? Would I be more successful? Or what if I didn't choose to be with either one of them back when all of this started. Where would I be then? I asked myself a million and one questions. At the end of me racking my brain, I came to the same conclusion every single time. I wouldn't take back being with Dawson at any given time. I would have ran to him every time if I went back in time. The man I fell in love with is an incredibly selfless loving person.

September came quickly, and Dawson and I were not fighting at all. We hadn't fought in a few weeks. Things were actually looking up. I don't know if it was the fact that I had my own life for the first time in a very long time or that Dawson didn't feel like upsetting me any more. Whatever the reason was, I took it with a grain of salt. It was only a matter of time until something came up.

I wanted to spend as much time with Callie as possible because she was moving to Florida the second week of September. I was so sad she was moving because she had become one of my very best friends. She helped me get through so many terrible times due to Dawson and my relationship.

I knew I still had Kyla, and that I could call Callie every day so I knew everything would be okay.

Callie moved a couple weeks later, and within days of her leaving, the blow out with Dawson finally came. I knew it was only a matter of time until we had a fight, but this one was very different.

This fight was the fight that was going to end it all.

It started like any other fight usually did. I went to pick up money from him, and as always he was gone. Only this time his doors were unlocked. I went in and called him asking where he was and it was not any different than the last few times. He didn't answer me. I had ENOUGH. I honestly could not handle going through this again. He had my Xbox again, so I immediately packed it up. I went into his room and started tearing through his clothes looking for drugs. I didn't find any, but Dawson was a professional liar, so I'm sure he hid them well.

When he finally called me back, he immediately started yelling at me. He called me a bitch and said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was screaming back at him crying uncontrollably just asking what exactly I did to deserve any of this. He told me I was a controlling bitch among other things. I asked him to just meet me and talk to me but he said he was out walking around and I felt like he was just lying more to me. He hung up on me and sent me a picture of him outside in the dark giving me the middle finger. Not only was he calling me names, he decided a disrespectful picture would just put the icing on the cake. I was shaking and just chose to give up. When I got in my driveway he called me again. I kept it cool while I walked in my house because I didn't want my dad to know what was going on. I went down to my room and continued the conversation.

What happened next changed EVERYTHING.

Video Diary 3 Happiness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GND-AexwHKc

35. The Last Summer

I spent the summer of 2015 feeling alone, wishing for more.

I could break it down month by month, but nothing happened worth talking about. There was only one day over the summer that I can remember feeling a little bit of happiness.

Dawson surprised me with a tanning package and then we went shopping and he bought me a dress and a pair of shorts. We then went to look for a bicycle so we could go on rides over the summer. I ended up not getting one, but the excitement of that day together was more than memorable. He tried to do everything for me that night. That in itself was everything and more. It wasn't that he bought me things, it was the fact he cared enough to put me before himself and his wants. That didn't happen often. I always felt guilty if he bought me something so I would buy him something in return. I don't know why I felt I needed to, but I did every single time.

I had a lot of great days with Dawson over the span of our relationship, but the bad days outweighed the good days. I knew it had to end one way or another.

I started to spend a lot of time with Kyla and Callie. I kept busy with them and planning my sisters baby shower. Dawson and I were not going to survive much longer. We barely spent any time together. Our work schedules didn't match up, and I didn't want to put a lot of effort into being with him if he wasn't going to make any effort.
I kept myself distracted, when I should have been handling the real issue at hand. If I didn't have Kyla and Callie to depend on each day, I wouldn't have made it through. Those girls gave me so much strength and they don't even know it.

Seeing Kyla with her daughter, and witnessing a change in her soul and strength helped me in ways I cant even begin to explain. I spent every day off of work with her and her daughter. Dawson was not happy about it one bit. One evening he got off of work and decided he wanted to take a nap. Normally I would sit at home and wait on him to want to see me. Usually the waiting didn't end because he would sleep all night. So I decided to go to Kyla's house. I left her house around 11pm that night and Dawson had called. He asked what I was doing and I told him driving home from Kyla's. He got angry with me for going to see her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to see him all the time. He told me he didn't want to "do this anymore" and he hung up on me.
I should have cared, but I didn't. If he wanted to break up with me for seeing my best friend who I once lost, than I did not care. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. When I got home he sent me a long text message explaining how it hurts him that I make more of an effort to spend time with Kyla than I did with him. He also stated he couldn't be with me if I was going to be friends with her because she probably just talks badly about him, and tries to keep me from being with him.

Dawson couldn't have been more wrong and I told him that. I explained to him how if he makes me choose between him and Kyla, it would be Kyla every time. I also told him how Kyla did nothing but support me and my every decision and that she did not speak one negative word towards him at any point. She put the past behind her and he should have too. Dawson apologized to me and said he would accept that I was friends with her but he would never be friends with her or her husband again.

I surrounded myself with the people I could depend on. Callie was amazing, being as we had only been friends for a short time. She was always there for me to hold me up on my weak days. She kept me grounded at work, and when I had an off day and just couldn't handle whatever came my way, she was there to back me up. Her and Corey both always had my back at work, and outside of work.

August was creeping up and my birthday was coming. I didn't expect anything from anyone this year. My sister was insanely pregnant, my dad and brother were going to the beach, and Dawson never planned anything for me for any holiday let alone my birthday. I planned on turning 25 sitting on Dawson's couch watching a movie. Dawson however promised me something special this year. I didn't want to get my hopes up to much, because any ordinary time I was just let down.

I tried to push my negative feelings aside and get excited for my birthday. If Dawson had something planned, then maybe things were actually changing.

 A few days before my birthday, Dawson ended up in the hospital again. He had an infection that wasn't going away from a previous surgery on his kidney.

I spent my birthday visiting Dawson in the hospital and sitting at home eating dinner alone.
One thing Dawson was able to keep his surprise on was the Vera Bradley purse and wallet gift he bought me. Months before, Dawson and I were walking through town and stopped in this boutique that sells Vera Bradley. I had fallen in love with that set and wanted it badly. I was planning on buying it for myself eventually, but he beat me to it. I couldn't believe he remembered which pattern and style I wanted. It was amazing. He never bought me a birthday gift before, so this meant everything and more to me. He really tried.

Along with the gift came a card that wrote,

"I love you and let this be the first of many good birthdays of yours we have together, Love -----"

I asked him why he put first of many birthdays because this was my third with him. He responded by telling me the first of many he will do it right, and be better.

With tears filling my eyes, I thanked him with every ounce of my heart and told him I loved him.

34. Learning To Be Alone

I started to distance myself because I knew things weren't going to change.

I spent a lot of time at home, and a lot less time with Dawson. I might have gone to his house once a week, and I barely made an effort to give him rides anywhere. He could definitely tell I was drifting away, and for the first time in forever he seemed like that mattered to him.

Maybe it was some time before May when Dawson told me he wanted to buy me dinner. I couldn't remember the last time he actually wanted to take me out somewhere and pay himself. This was a huge deal to me. I went out and bought a dress and everything. I spent a good while getting ready for our date, and then headed to his house.

That day was one of my happiest with him. He made me feel special, and loved. Something I hadn't felt in a long time with him. We ended up going to his work for dinner, and then headed to the candy store in the mall afterwards. Living in that moment made me not want to give up on us just yet.

It was one perfect date. Because of just that ONE, I fell back into the same cycle I had been in for two and a half years.

After that date, we were happy and getting along for about a week, and then the fighting began again.
Truthfully, I don't even remember half of our fights, but they always came down to the same thing at the end of the day. Lying and money.

Dawson was supposed to pay me, and so he told me I could come to his house and get the money. When I showed up, of course he wasn't home. Why would he be? He wasn't any other time he told me to come get money. After waiting and waiting he finally showed up. He was very closed off towards me and wouldn't tell me where he was. When I asked him for my money, it was the same as it always was. He didn't have it. I asked him why and he said he spent it. Of course I got upset and asked the same questions I always did, but instead of lying to me he chose to not answer me.
Dawson told me he was a grown man and could do whatever he wanted with his money. He told me he was tired of me trying to control what he does with his money. He also told me he didn't want to be tied down, and that I pressured him into proposing to me.

Of every single lie and manipulation technique Dawson had used in the past, this one really struck a chord. How in the hell did I EVER pressure him into proposing to me? I never gave him an ultimatum or pushed him into doing it so early on.

I just looked at him with my jaw dropped to the floor. I was lost for words, he had to of completely lost his mind. I remember telling him something along the lines of not having to worry about being tied down. He could spend his money as he pleased but he couldn't continue to not pay me. If he didn't want to save money that's fine, and if he didn't want to be engaged that's fine too. I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to act like an adult though.

Dawson's irrational behavior only lasted about two weeks until he told me he was ready to commit.
He might have been ready to pretend to start acting like he was engaged and a 33 year old, but I was just about over all his bullshit. I started to prepare myself to leave him, I knew it was what I needed to do.

I talked to my friend Callie every single day about Dawson, and she knew I had to get away from him. She also knew I wanted to. It was just a matter of when I was ready to let go. I went over it in my head repeatedly, but I came to the same result every time.
I could leave Dawson, but would I be happy? Yes I wouldn't have to deal with being lied to and I wouldn't have to stress about everything anymore. But the fact was I loved him, regardless of how he  treated me, and regardless of how much he lied to me. So leaving him, whether or not it was best for me was an agonizing pain I didn't want to deal with.

My love for him was real, but love isn't always enough. I knew that.

33. True Colors

Loving an addict is one of the most challenging loves a person can have. You know deep down inside you that they are an addict and they will always be, but you hope it changes. It doesn't change no matter how much you want it to.

I knew I could never have what I wanted with Dawson. I could never have that beautiful dream house in the country. I wasn't going to have any children with him. What I would have was maybe a decent running car, a small apartment, and my dog. That is the only life I would have with him, because if I started to get ahead Dawson would find a way to screw it up for the both of us.

I wanted to believe that the love I had for him would be enough, and that I wouldn't need any thing but that. I was lying to myself, and I had been for a long time now. I would always wake up to emptiness because something was missing. If I did something for Dawson, it was because I loved him, not because I expected something in return. However, if Dawson did something for me, as small as making me a dinner, I would hear about it for days. He did something for me one time in months so I shouldn't continue to expect more. I guess I was selfish for expecting more in his eyes.

In no way shape or form do I want to portray Dawson as some terrible person, because I don't think he is. I do think his addiction took over his life though, and the Dawson I met doesn't exist any longer.

Going to counseling in a short time helped me in so many ways. It opened my eyes. Yes, I continued in the relationship for quite some time after because I loved him and I didn't want to let go. It's the scariest thing to think about starting over, and letting go of the only thing I knew.

It was a pattern with Dawson. There would be a few good weeks, and then one horrible day. When I say horrible, I mean horrible. The longest, saddest, most painful day. Each time I had a horrible day with him, I lost a piece of myself.

One day in particular, Dawson was to make a payment to me. That morning, he told me he was having severe kidney pain. I was at work and there was nothing I could do to help him. He had text me and told me his manager was taking him to the hospital. When I had got off of work I had text him to find out exactly what was going on, and he did not answer me. I then called him and he did not answer. I was extremely worried. In the past they had took him into surgery, so I thought maybe he had a bad infection that required immediate surgery. So I called the hospital to find out what room he was in and the status on him. The hospital had no record of him being there. I then called another hospital and they also had no record of him there either. At this point I was angry, because I knew he had lied to me. I called his work and asked to speak with his manager. I asked her if she had taken Dawson to the hospital and she had no idea what I was talking about. She told me he worked his shift and left as normal. I was shaking in anger. I knew Dawson had lied to me to get out of paying me. I left work and drove straight to his house. All the doors were locked and the curtains were closed. So I called Dawson's roommate, our friend, Andre. I drove to Andre's work and got his keys and went back to their place and I let myself in. Dawson was obviously in a hurry to get out of there because he left the Xbox controller on. I went upstairs and searched and he was nowhere to be found. Turns out he ran out the back door when I came in the house and hid from me for about 30 minutes before I got him to answer his phone.

When I talked to him I instantly flipped out. He wouldn't tell me where he was. I told him I was taking my Xbox and my games since he didn't wanna show his face. He started calling me a bitch and telling me what a horrible person I was as he always did. Any time Dawson lied or did something to hurt me he would find a way to turn it around and make me look like the bad person. That's what addicts do. They manipulate you all day every day.

After fighting for a good while I got him to come back to the apartment. We continued to fight there, but he wouldn't give me any answers as to why he didn't have money. I cornered him in his kitchen because he kept walking away from me. He told me to get away from him but I wouldn't move. Every time he tried to walk away I got more in his face and eventually he just shoved me out of the way. When he did that I lost my footing a little and fell into the table slightly. At that moment I just saw complete red and went after him. I don't care that it was a shove to get me out of his face, he put his hands on me. I went after him and just punched him in the back of the head. He grabbed my fists and warned me not to hit him again or he would hit me back. Of course I ran my mouth and told him to hit me, but he didn't. I knew not to hit him again, because I didn't trust him not to hit me back. He might of said it to scare me, but either way I wasn't testing him.

I backed off and just sat down in fear and disbelief that our relationship got to the point where any type of physical abuse started.

That was one bad day. The next day was just apologies and back to pretending nothing was wrong.

I told him at the end of every fight that "It was okay" but it never was. I lied every day to him by telling him that.

I just wanted to keep him happy, even though it was destroying me.

32. The Battle

I went to counseling two times a week.

My therapist thought it would be best for me to do an hour individual session and an hour session with Dawson. Dawson was the stem to a lot of my problems so he needed to hear how I was feeling.
The first few sessions were tough for me because I didn't want to admit to a lot of my problems. I was in a co-dependent relationship and that was the most unhealthy relationship to be in. I had put my life on hold to take care of Dawson's. Even though I took on a "care taker" role I still depended on him for love and approval when I should have been depending on myself for that.

In the time I spent at therapy I learned a lot about myself and my relationship that I needed to. Dawson agreed to stop lying and to be more honest in communication along with trying harder to do more for himself and to allow me to take care of myself and ambitions. He also promised to go to NA Meetings and to let me handle his money.

I stopped going to therapy a little after a month. I didn't stop going because I felt better, but I stopped because I felt like my therapist was not helping me. I felt very judged and pushed aside. It was almost as she was rushing my progress.

I should have found a new therapist, but instead I stopped therapy all together. Dawson held up his promises for about two weeks and then went back to his old ways. However I did start to do more for myself. I stopped lending him money and I let his finances be his own responsibility. I stopped cutting myself, and I started to spend more time with my family.

Dawson gave me about $50 after counseling to start paying me back. That was a one time payment. He stopped giving me money and had an excuse every time. Dawson owed me close to $2000 at this point and I was done. I wouldn't give him a dime more, and I wouldn't constantly make an effort to go out on a date when I would just have to pay for that too.

I loved him and wanted to go places and do fun things, but I was tired of always paying.

Andre, our friend, asked Dawson to move in with him and his roommate. He said he really needed the financial help and Dawson would be doing them a favor. Andre said he would only have to pay a total of $260 a month. That would save Dawson $40 a month from what he was paying now. He jumped at the opportunity to get out of his crappy apartment with a kid he couldn't stand to be around. We moved him out and we were both so excited about the fresh start. He was a lot closer to work and this apartment was so much nicer. I felt so much better because I knew Andre would keep Dawson in check.

I felt like things were looking up. I loved going to Dawson's new place. I felt comfortable there unlike his last place. His apartment before that was small. His roommate was extremely dirty and never cleaned up after himself. He had random girls over all the time and they would chain smoke in the apartment so it smelled disgusting in there. Dawson basically lived in his room and he was miserable.
Now he could finally have a big place where he felt comfortable living. Our relationship was good at this point. We still had our occasional fights, but it wasn't awful.

Dawson was great with me, he wanted me to stay home and rest and not worry about picking him up from work all the time. He caught rides with Andre or friends from work. I felt like he was starting to put me first again. He was understandable and caring towards me. When we would see each other on the days we had off together we would have so much fun.
Even though things were going good, I still wanted Dawson to pay me back.

My time frame of 2015 is really blurry. I'm not sure exactly when things happened or what order. At this point I was in for over two years and I was so used to negative things happening that when they happened I stopped paying attention to the details.

What I know is that I was happy, at least I thought I was happy. Happiness is such a delicate word. Differing what was true and real from what was fake and a lie is undetermined. All I know is that this year, 2015, was the most difficult to come.

Why? I faced the truth.

31. Treatment

My dog saved my life, Buddie. It sounds crazy but he did.

 When I cut myself with my keys, it was pretty bad. I still have a scar from it. But that wasn't the last time I did it. I had a few nights where I just got so upset I needed to escape the sadness. Feeling like I was worthless took a toll on me. Why should I care about myself if no body else seemed to? That wasn't true though. I had many people that cared about me but I was blind to it because the only person I wanted the love from was Dawson.

I was in my bed one night, and Dawson and I were fighting about something. He hung up on me and would not answer my calls. He ignored me for over an hour and I lost my mind again. Only this time I wasn't thinking about making a small cut across my wrist, I was truly ready to end my life. I sat in my bed with a razor in my hand and just when I began to move towards my arm, Buddie pushed my door open and jumped on my bed, laid his head on my leg and looked up at me. I looked back at him while sobbing, and dropped the razor to the floor. I just grabbed him and held him. When he looked at me, it made me feel like he knew what I was about to do. If it wasn't for him running to my side, I'm not sure I would be here today.

At that moment I knew I needed to get professional help, but most importantly I needed my family and their support.

I went to my moms a couple days later and I was going to tell her right away what I had been feeling, but for some reason I couldn't. We just talked like we always did, and right before I went to leave she asked me what was wrong. I couldn't ever hide from my mom, and I started crying and told her what was going on and then I showed her my arm. She immediately got upset and hugged me and told me I was going to be okay. She wanted me to get help, and I gave her my word I was going to. I asked her to talk to my dad for me, because I couldn't bare to have that conversation with him, and she told me she would.
The next day I text my sister. I really didn't want her to know because of her being pregnant. I didn't want to upset her in any way, but I knew she was going to find out one way or another. So I sent her a text and she actually was angry with me. She was not happy with me and she let me know it. I regretted telling her from the minute I hit send.
After my mom talked to her, she apologized to me and told me she loved me.

I made an appointment with a therapist that same day.

I was nervous about my dad finding out, I knew he was going to be so upset with me and I was dreading any confrontation with him. I knew if he yelled at me it would just trigger my bad thoughts. I had nothing left in me. I mentally couldn't handle one more fight, or one more lecture. My mom told me she had told him, and he didn't handle it well. When my sister tried to talk to him about it, he didn't want to deal with it. Kassi was livid with him for his reaction. If my dad didn't want to deal with me or my situation that just meant I didn't need to face it with him, and that was a relief to me. Although it made me feel like I didn't matter to him at the same time. It was a lose lose for me. If my dad reacted and confronted me I would be even more upset than I already was, but with him not wanting a part of it, I was just as upset.

Dawson went to my therapy appointment with me for support. She talked with the both of us and asked basic questions. When she asked if I ever have had suicidal thoughts, I looked at Dawson, looked down and just started crying. I nodded my head yes, and she handed me a tissue. She asked me how often and if I have acted on the thoughts. When I told her about the cutting, she asked me if I would be willing to sign a suicide contract.
It's basically a contract stating that I will call for help if I have a suicidal thoughts before acting on it.
I signed the paper without hesitation. I really wanted to change my life and I did not want to hurt myself anymore.

I was completely selfish for wanting to take my own life. I thank God each and every day for sending Buddie in my room at that moment. I love my family and my friends so very much, that taking my life would have destroyed theirs.

Buddie is my angel, and without him I wouldn't be able to sit here tonight, and tell you my story.