Walking away that day seemed even harder than the last time I did.
I honestly didn't believe I could ever possibly feel as much pain as I did the June before when Dawson first relapsed, but I was wrong. I loved Dawson so much that every new day I spent with him I loved him a little more each day whenever each day I didn't think it was possible to love him more. So walking away hit me even harder this time.
Having the man you are engaged to and planned your life with look you in the eye and lie with no guilt is an excruciating experience.
I knew when I went home I had to wipe my tears and not let my dad find out. The last thing I wanted was for my family to find out again. I wanted to handle it on my own with the exception of Kyla and Devlin. I hid in my room and cried under my covers so nobody would hear me. Dawson wouldn't talk to me and that was awful for me. He wouldn't even give me an explanation for why he did what he did. I text Kyla and told her what was going on, and she was not surprised. She knew he had been using, and she did try and warn me. A couple days went by and I went to Kyla's house. We sat and talked and she explained to me that enough was enough. I needed to walk away and move on before things got worse.
I nodded my head yes and repeated that I knew she was right. She encouraged me to talk to my dad because if I did that then it would push me to really leave. I knew I needed to listen to her. My life wasn't getting better. Just because I loved Dawson he still made no progress on saving money or getting a car let alone his license.
Kyla told me that if I didn't leave him that he would continue to hurt me and lie. If he wasn't going to change for his kids, then he wasn't going to change for me. She also feared I might one day start using as well because of Dawson's influence. Hearing that scared me.
It had been about 5 days since I walked out on Dawson. He wasn't talking to me and I couldn't make him. I could barely eat and I was dropping weight from all the stress as well as lack of food. I told my sister what was going on and as I left for work one morning I got to the end of my road and pulled over and text my dad. I told him I was pretty sure Dawson was on drugs again and I wanted to leave him but I didn't feel strong enough to so I asked my dad if he could find a counselor for me to help me get through this. He just replied back telling me he would find a psychiatrist that was covered by our insurance. I went to my sisters the next night and stayed for the weekend. I missed Dawson so much and all I wanted was to be with him But how would we ever move on from this when he couldn't even admit he had a problem?
My sister and her fiancé took me to dinner and they were really trying to help me cheer up but they knew nothing they could say or do could change the way I felt. I have a lot of respect for Kassi biting her tongue that weekend. I know she wanted to yell and say I told you so, but she didn't. She was just there for me. Kyla and Devlin both text me every day to check in with me.
What nobody knew is that the entire weekend at my sisters Dawson and I were texting. We weren't texting all day every day but at least a couple times a day. He told me he missed me and I told him I loved him. We really thought this would be the end of us so we were speaking to each other in a way that we were saying goodbyes. I didn't want anyone to know I was talking to him because I honestly couldn't handle an ounce of judgement or one more lecture.
8 days went by and I lost close to 10 pounds...no idea how that was possible to this day.
I decided to ask Dawson if I could come and get my things from his apartment. Kyla knew I was going there and she advised me to grab it and walk away. That ended up not being very difficult. When I knocked on the door Dawson opened it and handed me my things without a word. I just grabbed them and said thank you and turned and walked to my car. As soon as I got to my car I just sat there in shock. Why didn't he stop me from walking away? He said he loved me and missed me yet he did nothing.
I'm the one who needed to leave him, but something in my heart wouldn't let me leave. So I text him from in my car and asked him if we could talk...he said yes and I walked right back into his apartment and he was sitting on the couch.
I just looked at him with tears filling my eyes and I sat down.
