11. Let Me Explain

Before I tell you any more of my story...let me backup and explain a few things first.

Everybody lies, and if they say they don't...they are lying.
I'm not perfect by any means but one thing I hate is lying. Yeah, I tell a few white lies here and there like I only had one cookie but secretly I had five. I don't lie about anything that would hurt a person. Besides, I'm the worlds worst liar. My family and closest friends can see right through me if I try and lie. So lying to my dad was not something I ever wanted to do.

Kyla is my longest friend. We met when we were 7 years old. We were neighbors and complete soul mates. We spent a couple years apart when she moved away but in high school we met back up and it was like we were never apart. She is an incredible person and was my support system throughout things that my family was not aware of. Anything I needed she was there. Sometimes I had to stop her from breaking a few jaws, but I couldn't be more lucky to have a friend like her.

Miranda and I have been friends since we were 14, we are now 25. She calms me down without trying. She has also always been there right by my side to let me vent to her. She never passes judgment on a single person. Miranda does whatever she needs to for me without hesitation.

Devlin became my friend when everything started to fall apart, and she's one bad ass chick. I cant describe her any other way. She's truly a blessing. She was like an angel that came to me when I couldn't see the light anymore. Devlin is the kind of person everyone wants to be, or at least be friends with.

My mom is amazing. She's one of the biggest influences in my life even though she doesn't know it. She loves me unconditionally and is completely open to anything I throw her way. She 100% supported my relationship, even though she wanted more for me.. I was happy and that's all she cared about. She welcomed Dawson with open arms from day one, till the end.

My dad is also amazing. He's one hell of a man to look up to. He definitely isn't like my mother. He is very old school and believes a man should take care of a woman and provide for her. He, just like everyone else in my family, wanted the very best for me. He knew Dawson wasn't that. I made my dad give him a chance, and with several attempts I finally got the opportunity. I don't want to say my dad "loved" him but I could tell he was warming up to the idea.

My sister, Kassi, is my best friend. Now I know I use that term a lot because I have a few best friends, but she really is my BEST friend. She has the most beautiful soul in the world. She is always there even when she says she wont be. I would kill for her and she would for me. So when I said my family wasn't as supportive/ accepting to me and Dawson it wasn't in a way like I didn't have them in my life through thick and thin because they were. It was that they wanted more for me and they didn't want to stand by and watch me destroy my life.

Now, I would like everyone to hear from my sister and understand her perspective on Dawson and what had happened in the 6 month span so far. I asked her to write something for this entry and this is what she had to say,

" I have to admit the change I saw in Jenna when Dawson entered her life was incredible. I remember when she came home talking about this new guy she liked but she felt torn BC she felt like she needed to try and make it work w her recent ex. She was like a little girl with a crush but wouldn't move forward yet. When she decided to start officially dating him....well, it made me happy to see her so happy. We (as in the family) weren't told anything about his past at first...I only knew he was 8 years older. I knew age was just a number but I felt Jenna wasn't really mature enough to be dating someone so much older....then little by little the baggage was revealed and I realized maybe Jenna was too mature and put together for him. As any normal, loving, protective sister would react...I was less than thrilled. Three kids to two women, still married, no license, on house arrest with the drug history and health issues....I was leery. BUT I trusted Jenna more than anyone in my life and I believed her when she told me it was JUST baggage and it didn't define him. However, even with the faith I had in my sister, I had my doubts. My best friend married a person with a similar past/present and I knew how miserable she was at times. I knew how often she would call me crying when things got bad and I didn't want that for Jenna. I also knew how deceitful addicts can be. They are the best manipulators and a big part of me felt Jenna was an east target. She was young, pretty and gullible. She saw the good in everyone and the worst of people can take advantage of that so fast. But - my sister was happy and she deserved just that. I buried my feelings and welcomed him into our lives. I included him in plans and family get together. Dawson was charming. Well put together, gracious, appreciative, respectful and attentive to my little sister. I must admit in the beginning I swallowed my own words....and for who knows me knows that's not something I do often. He was proving to me that rehabilitation works and life can move forward after terrible decisions have been made. The first six months they seemed perfect together. Granted in my eyes he still needed to make improvements like get his license back, move forward w divorce, make more time for his kids...but those weren't my fights to be had..more or less a mental checklist I made for him in order for me to feel he was long term worthy of my baby sister. I did feel 6mths together was too soon to move in together given the baggage, but who was I to judge when I moved in w my (now husband) after 3mths. I knew of a few disagreements they had but all in all Jenna kept the bigger issues from me...so when I received that call from her on my birthday... Something snapped inside of me that changed my views of him and them forever. I was there for her and did my job as a caring sister...but in a kind way I told her if she ever goes back I will no longer be there. This was too big of a screw up....he lied he stole and he used her. I said I would be there as long as she stays strong and far away from him.
A piece of me blamed myself for not standing by my worries or voicing them more to her; for talking our parents (more my dad than my mom) into trusting her and giving him a chance. I do know a piece of me lost respect for that friend for not telling Jenna more of the bad than the good. I had anger for her bosses, who were people in my life too, for supporting them. I was so angry and disappointed in Jenna for being so stupid and gullible.
The truth is...he fooled us all....we all let him."

I have the most amazing friends and family that a girl could ask for. With that being said, these people and their importance in my life need to be recognized before I tell any more of my story.

Things are going to be said and done that may reflect bad on them at that moment, but they didn't deserve any of it. I can not stress that enough. Without them, I'm not sure where I would be at this moment in time. I definitely wouldn't be writing this blog.

Everything I'm about to tell you is straight from my heart and the complete truth. It's painful and very much difficult for me.
I'm going to let you in and tell you everything.

10. Too Much To Handle

I cant remember exactly how I found out, but that part doesn't matter.

The money I lent to Jay for him to get "treatment" was actually money that he needed to buy heroin for him and Dawson. The sob story was a complete lie. I was shaking in anger. I went out to my work that day just to confide in the people that were closest to me and Dawson's relationship, my bosses.
I was hoping I didn't run into Jay because my blood was boiling and all I wanted to do was kill him. I blamed him for everything. Dawson wouldn't have ever of relapsed if Jay didn't start working there. I was in the office talking to my bosses when Jay knocked on the door and walked in. I looked at him and stood up and Gina, my boss, stood up too. She knew I was about to lose it. All I can remember was turning towards him and I launched at him screaming "you piece of shit!". Gina grabbed me and held me back away from him and yelled at him to get out. She just held me there as I cried hysterically. If it wasn't for her I don't know what would have happened but I do know that it wouldn't have made me feel any better. I still didn't have Dawson and hurting Jay wouldn't change that.

I went home and I still didn't know where Dawson was.

I had a voicemail on my phone that I did not notice till late.
It was Dawson and he said crying,

"I'm sorry I ruined 6 months of your life, I really did love you so much.. I'm so sorry I was stupid and pissed the chance away.. it was all my fault I don't blame you. I'm gonna stay here for a little bit and then I'm gonna leave when I  figure out where I can go..ok..none of this is your fault. I'm sorry.Bye."

                    -I still have that voicemail saved to this day. I guess I listen to it because it was the                      only time I felt like Dawson was truly sorry for hurting me.

When I heard that, I just knew he needed serious help. I called the number back and as it turns out it was his mothers house. He wasn't there but I was sure he would show up again, so I sent him a Facebook message telling him to call me as soon as he had a way.
While all of this was going on I had the support of my family and my two best friends, Kyla and Miranda.
Kyla loved Dawson and never judged him for a second based on his past, unlike my family did. She and her boyfriend at the time, now husband, always hung out with us. Same went for Miranda.

 Along with my friends and family, a girl I went to high school with, Devlin, reached out to me on Facebook. She told me about an old relationship she had that was similar. She told me that she understood how I felt and that if I needed anyone to talk to she would be there for me. She is now one of my best friends.


                   With all the support and love all these people gave me, I still couldn't walk away from Dawson completely. I knew its what I should have done, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  My dad didn't want me to even be talking to him. Every time I went somewhere my dad wanted me to text or call him or my mother to let them know I was okay. He wanted me far away from Dawson and wanted me to be able to heal.

I finally got ahold of Dawson the next day and we talked. I cried and he cried, but he still wouldn't tell me he was on heroin. He told me he had been abusing pills for awhile but he was not using heroin. I told him to stop lying to me because its too late for any more lies. I was already gone. He took a deep breath and he admitted it. He told me for awhile he was just using pills but that day Jay came over, the day I was suspicious of, was the day he started using it again. He told me Jay had brought over a few "stamp bags" and for  awhile he contemplated it because he knew once he did that it would all be over, but he couldn't say no. He said he hated himself for lying to me for so long about the pills and over small things that he figured it didn't matter anymore, he was going to lose me anyways.
I was speechless for awhile. I asked him if he would get help and he said yes.

I was in contact with Rosco, and Rosco was in contact with Dawson through these rough couple days. Rosco was going to pick up Dawson from Latrobe and bring him back to our apartment, but I needed to go to the apartment to let him in because I had the keys.

I was scared to see Dawson. After two and a half days away, walking around Latrobe, staying from house to house...most likely getting high, he was bound to look awful. I also didn't know how my heart was going to handle seeing him after finding out everything that I did. I was just planning on letting him in and giving him his key and walking away for good. I had to do at least that. I promised myself I wouldn't stay in the relationship if he relapsed and lied to me.

Not only was I struggling with the heartache of Dawson, I was struggling with the fact that I knew I had to lie to my dad. I couldn't tell him where I was planning on going that night.

I do not lie, that is not who I am or what I do. However, I would have done anything for Dawson.

The moment came when I had to tell me dad I was leaving for a couple hours. I hated myself for this, but it was just going to be this once.

I wish it would have just been that once.

9. Emptiness

I heard his voice, and for the first time ever I didn't recognize it.

Dawson sounded awful. He was like a completely different person. He immediately started yelling at me. He said he was coming home and there was no reason for me to have left him. He was also angry I took his dog. I asked him where he was and he wouldn't tell me. He yelled at me to bring his dog back. I said not until I know your back in town because I refused to just drop off Buddie at the apartment with nobody there to take care of him.

Dawson was getting more angry with me and said that he would come and find me and take back what was his. He was also threatening my family until he got what he wanted.

I just cried and asked him why he was doing this. He yelled at me and said it was because I was accusing him of being on drugs when he wasn't and I just ruined his life. I just kept repeating I know you are doing heroin again, just admit it so I can help you. He laughed at me and hung up.

I just paced back and forth in my room. I was so sick, I ran to the bathroom.
How did I end up here? When did my life take this turn?
I just had tears streaming down my face. My dad had left for a little while so I called him in panic. I told him that Dawson had just called and threatened me. My dad assured me that he wasn't coming anywhere near our house. That he was just trying to manipulate me.

It was late at this point and I was exhausted. I hadn't ate anything all day and I was in so much heartache that I was shaking and breathing heavy. I was insanely stressed out and somehow I fell asleep.
I woke up periodically through the night and consistently checked my phone just hoping the man that I once knew would call or text and apologize. I just wanted him to admit everything to me. He never did though.

The next morning I woke up very early. I had realized with everything that had happened the day before I completely forgot I had a job interview at Finish Line in the mall.
How was I supposed to pull myself together and go to this interview. There was absolutely no way I could do this. I knew I had to go, I needed a second job. I couldn't survive off of the money I was making.

I got dressed, put some makeup on and practiced a smile. I could see the pain written all over my face, but maybe someone that doesn't know me wouldn't notice.
When I got there, the store manager took me out to a bench in the mall and sat me down. His name was Tim, and he was very nice and made me feel comfortable. He was very personable and I didn't want to mess this interview up because he seemed like a great person to work for. I could tell I wasn't doing a good job, I felt distracted with Dawson in the back of my mind. I apologized to Tim at the end and told him I was normally a lot more peppy and that I was just having a bad day. He told me I seemed peppy enough and then asked me what was going on. I couldn't answer that question and lie so I just said oh nothing just some stuff. He asked me again as we walked back towards the store and for whatever reason I just told him exactly what it was. I told him I had moved back into my house yesterday because I found out my boyfriend was on heroin. He just looked at me and said oh my. He shook my hand and wished me luck and said he would be in touch.

Now anyone knows not to say things like this in an interview but I didn't have my mind right this day and I knew I had just lost that potential job.

I slowly walked to my car, it was almost like I could see myself walking. I felt like I wasn't in my body. Why did I say that? Couldn't I just make it through 15 minutes of acting normal?

I went home and crawled into bed and cried some more. That's all I could do. I still couldn't eat a thing. I was going on two days of not eating. I held Buddie and I remember saying to him..."At least I got you out of all of this"

I felt like he knew what was happening because he stared at me with these eyes that just made me think he understands. I missed Dawson so much, the way he used to be.

Dawson sent me random messages and each time the location was different. None of the messages told me any valuable information. Dawson wanted his keys back from me. I had his old house keys and his apartment key because he left them in my car. I didn't want to give them back because I knew once I did there would be no reason for him to talk to me anymore.

Drugs change people. They turn people into someone they're not. They destroy lives. My life was destroyed and I wasn't even the one taking drugs. I was in love with a heroin addict and there was nothing I could do about it.

I found out something that made me even more sick and I was about to go off the deep end.

Everything was spiraling out of control and there was no end in sight.

8. Shattered

Driving him to work that morning seemed as normal as any day. I couldn't have known what was about to happen.

Dawson had kidney issues for a long time before he met me. He had always developed kidney stones from calcium buildup. For a month before this day we had several doctor visits and hospital visits because of his pain. He had a prescription for oxycodone before that I wasn't happy about. I didn't think an addict should be taking any narcotics no matter how excruciating the pain. Dawson assured me he wouldn't become addicted again. He said that the pills weren't strong enough to even make him crave more. I believed him so he took them. He had been out of his prescription long before this day, June 16th, arrived.

Every day we spent in our apartment Dawson just slept. He didn't want to eat much or even spend much time together. He was moody a lot and I never knew what to expect. I spent a lot more time with Buddie than I did with him.

Dawson had to work at 9am and I was off that day. We were driving to work and he was complaining of kidney pain. I told him to just try and power through it and that we had a doctors visit coming up. We got into our work parking lot and Dawson asked me for $60 so he could get a pain pill. I just looked at him and said you are absolutely not buying pills off the street and in what world is a pain pill $60.  He tried to tell me that's how much they cost but I was well aware of how much pills really did cost. He begged me and I said no and did my best to talk him out of the idea.

I went home and got on my phone and made sure I told my sister Happy Birthday and my father Happy Fathers Day. Dawson then sent me a message asking me yet again for the money. He knew I barely had any money left after lending Jay money and he also knew how upset I was with him for even asking. He said he was going to get it one way or another. He was starting to sound crazy. I told him if he even took a step into the direction of getting pain killers I would leave him and that I wasn't joking. I also told him I knew he was using again and that pills don't cost $60 and it was obvious he was trying to score some heroin. He argued a little back and I just kept trying to get him to admit it to me.
 He text me back and he said and I quote..."Fuck you I just want to feel normal again"
I absolutely lost it at this point. I couldn't believe he just said that to me. What was that even supposed to mean?
I told him I was going to leave. I told him I said that from day one. He told me he was going to walk out of work so he could go get his pills.
I knew as soon as he said that he was truly about to quit his job, and once he walked out of that building I would have no way of communication with him. I could only talk to him through WIFI because he didn't have an actual phone. We only ever talked through Facebook messenger.

I felt my stomach in my throat. I was breathing heavy and couldn't think straight. My world was crashing down on me and I didn't know what to do. I text my sister and told her what was happening and she called my father. My father called me and asked what was going on and I just cried and said I think Dawson is on drugs again and he asked me if I wanted to come home and without hesitation I said yes. He told me to hold tight and he would be there as soon as possible.

I then called the owner of our work and told her what Dawson said because I knew she was about to have no cook at the restaurant. She told me to breathe and that she would send her son Alec over to help me move out. Alec was like a brother to me. I had known him for years and we grew so close.

There was a knock on my door and I opened it up and Alec was standing there. I collapsed into his arms. I couldn't stop crying. The pain in my heart was beyond repair. He just held me and let me cry.
Alec's mom had also called a close friend Andre to come help me as well. He showed up next, and then followed my dad. When my dad arrived, I just looked at him with my eyes bloodshot and watery. He looked back at me with this look on his face of anger and sadness. He was sad for me but so angry at Dawson. I knew he wanted to kill him for hurting me. We had packed up all my stuff and had it in all three cars along with my dads truck in the matter of 15 minutes.

I looked at my dad and asked him if I could bring Buddie home with me. I told him I didn't know if Dawson would ever come back and I couldn't just leave our dog their that I was starting to love very much. My dad let me bring him home with the intention of figuring out where Buddie was going to go next. It wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing and I knew that.
We got all my stuff moved back into my old room at home. I had left all the food, two plates, silverware, a pillow, blanket, and all of Dawson's clothing for him in case he did come back.

Alec and Andre went home. I sat on my bed in shock that just 2 weeks ago I was moving into my apartment excited to begin my future with Dawson and its now completely shattered. I had never felt pain like this in my life. I just cried and cried, my dad was next to me every moment of that day. It was Fathers Day and this is how my dad got to spend it. I hated myself for it.

I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think. I didn't know where Dawson was. I didn't know if he alive. I was heartbroken.

Heartache is real, its not something we make up because we are sad. Its real pain. My heart felt like it was going to explode. There were knots all through my stomach. I felt like I had no reason to be alive at this point. The pain that I was in was agonizing, and with every minute I didn't hear from Dawson it got worse. I looked at Buddie and I promised him no matter what happened next I would take care of him.

Hours went by and still I heard nothing from Dawson. I had left him several messages letting him know I moved out and that I took the dog with me. I knew he wasn't reading them but I couldn't stop texting him.

Later that night, my phone rang and it was a number I didn't know. It was Dawson.

7. The First Tear

I remember standing there for a few minutes shaking. I was just sad, very sad.

I looked him in the eye with tears rolling down my face and I turned my back and walked out. I got in my car and I left. I got about ten minutes down the road when he text me and said something along the lines of being sorry he yelled at me.
I pulled over and that was the moment I gave up on myself. I now know that.
I turned around and I went back to his house. I went in and apologized to him. I had no right to ask him something like that. Just based on assumptions. I was in the wrong. At least that's what I kept saying. He told me it was okay and hugged me. The rest of that day I was uneasy and I had doubts, but I needed to stop living in fear and doubt. Ever since Jay came into our lives, I doubted Dawson.

The next couple weeks weren't the same. Dawson was always taking several long bathroom breaks at work and when he would come back into the kitchen he seemed different. Almost like he wasn't fully there. I thought he was on drugs again, but I just kept living in denial. I would pick him up from work on the days I didn't work and on the car ride home I would be talking to him, and his head would start falling down. He was nodding off, I knew it had to be drugs. He just told me he was tired so I made myself believe it. Dawson loved me. He wouldn't lie to me.

We were still looking for apartments. Dawson said he wanted to quit his job because he was unhappy and thought Jay was trying to "take his job". He said his best friend Rosco wanted him to come work for him again and help run his pizza shop. I was completely supportive of that because I wanted Dawson as far away from Jay as I could get him. I knew deep down something shady was going on but I wouldn't admit it. We found a place in Greensburg that was perfect for us and Buddie. I wasn't attached to his dog at all but I wasn't going to move somewhere we couldn't take Buddie. We told Rosco we found a place but they wanted a huge deposit that we just didn't have. He offered to lend it to us but Dawson had to pay it all back with interest. Dawson agreed to it and before we knew it we had our place. This was so exciting for me cause this was the first time my name was on a lease and with the man I loved. We moved in June 1st, 2013. Dawson still had to put his notice in at work, but he was waiting to make sure everything was lined up with his new job. In the meantime we had a bit of a drive to work. We also only had one way of transportation and that was my car.

We had nothing moved in but dishes and a bed and a TV. We would eventually get the couches moved in from the old place, but in the meantime we sat on the floor and ate our dinners off of moving boxes. We had each other and that's all that mattered. We were starting our future.

We got paid that week and Dawson gave me half of the rent. We needed half each pay since we only got paid twice a month. Dawson was going to pay the rent and I would pay the electric and groceries. I also didn't have to pay as much since I was the only one of us paying a car payment and driving everywhere.

He handed me close to $300 cash and I stuck it in my top drawer until I could go to the bank. A few days later I went to get the money out and it was missing. I started to panic. I tore my dresser apart. I searched everywhere. Dawson was at work so I called him and I was crying and asked him if he took the money and he promised me he didn't touch it. He calmed me down and told me that I probably misplaced it or something and that we would find it when he got home. When he got home that day we looked together and it was gone. There was only two people in our apartment other than us. My dad and our friend who let our dog out while we both doubled at work one day. Dawson basically convinced me our friend had to of taken it. So I asked my friend if he came across it and he said no. I felt in my heart Dawson had taken it but I was more willing to blame someone else. I was crying because we wouldn't be able to pay our rent. Dawson looked me in the eyes and said he would have enough in his next pay to cover it all and everything would be okay. So I trusted in him.


Dawson was still associating with Jay even though he talked badly about him. I didn't understand it at all. Jay had a truck so Dawson told me he was going to help him pick up the couches and drive him home one night. A few hours went by and Dawson still wasn't back. He finally showed up with no furniture. He told me he was locked out of the old house and didn't have his keys on him.

We were sitting in bed talking and he told me how Jay started crying to him on the way home explaining how he wants to go get treatment because he started taking drugs again but the place wont accept him without a deposit of $150 and he didn't have any money. I looked at Dawson and said I wanted to help him. I only had $200 to my name but I was willing to help save his life. I called Jay and I told him that Dawson had explained his situation to me and that I wanted to lend him the money. He was so thankful and promised to pay me back when we got paid. I made it very clear how important it was that he paid me back as soon as pay day came. He promised me. It was only five days away.

June 16th came. It was Fathers Day as well as my sisters birthday. Also, it marked two weeks of us living together in our apartment.

I thought it was going to be a perfect day. With tears in my eyes as I write this, I can tell you it turned out to be one of the worst days of my life. A day I will live with forever and heartache that will never subside.

6. Many Moons

I wasn't ready to be a mother at 22. Especially to children that weren't my own.

Dawson finally came to a court ordered agreement to see his children Tuesdays and Thursdays for half the day. His daughter was two and his son was three. I decided to meet them one day. I was scared because I wasn't big on kids to begin with. I loved him and saw a life with him so I needed to deal with what I handed myself.
The kids were great, and he was great with them. I gradually came over a little more each time and the kids loved me. Diapers and baby drool wasn't really my thing so I was a little bit stand-offish with them. I got scared and felt very overwhelmed so I told Dawson I wasn't going to come over and stay there the whole time he had his kids. He understood that it was a lot for me to handle let alone a huge change. Not to mention his ex constantly harassed us every time we had the kids. She would call non stop and randomly show up and yell through the windows because we wouldn't answer the phone. Dawson had a right to be alone with his kids. He was a great father and she was just plain crazy and angry with us both. We didn't want the kids around the fighting so we tried our best to avoid her.

Dawson's son would always ask to call his father when he was with his mother so she would call us and let him talk to Dawson for a little bit and then she would take the phone off of him and we would hear her tell him awful things like "Daddy doesn't love you" She would use the kids against us and it made us sick.

For a couple weeks Dawson couldn't take the kids because of his work schedule. A couple weeks turned into a couple more. Before you knew it a month had gone by that he didn't see his kids. It was April at this point.
Around this time a new guy was hired at work, and his name was Jay. I just remember Dawson being on edge and very nervous. He pulled me to the back and said that the new guy told him he was a "recovering" heroin addict. Dawson didn't want him to work there because he didn't want to relapse himself. He figured being around someone with the same issue would possibly destroy his sobriety. He asked me not to say anything because he would eventually have to deal with this situation. Dawson was a little over a year clean so the last thing I wanted was for him to be at risk. So I went against his wish. I told the owners what Dawson had told me. They pulled him into the office and they discussed it with him. I guess the decided to keep Jay with Dawson's blessing.

I was not happy with this decision. Only because I wanted to keep him safe. He was clean and we were happy and I didn't want anything to destroy that.
Over some time I got to know Jay and he was a very nice guy who occasionally drank a little too much, but didn't we all? I was okay with him working with us and we all got along very well.

Dawson and I started thinking about getting a place together. We were together all the time so we may as well of been living together. So the search began.

Everything was perfect. There wasn't one thing I could complain about. Until one day I started to notice Dawson's attitude was changing.
Jay always called Dawson at home and I didn't know why. I would ask but Dawson just told me he was asking questions about work. I guess in the back of my mind I was starting to question if he was being honest with me, but I never actually questioned him. I didn't want my fears to ruin something great.

One day I was at work and Dawson was at home. We were texting and he said Jay was coming over. I instantly got scared and started asking a thousand questions. I just felt in my heart that something was wrong. I knew nothing about drugs, or signs that someone was on drugs. Hell, I didn't even know what heroin looked like. I just remember watching the clock waiting for my shift to end so I could get to his house. Once 4pm hit I ran. I flew down the road to his house faster than I ever have.

I don't know why I did this. The feeling I had in my stomach and heart was something I couldn't explain. I got out of my car and looked all through the yard..I don't know what I was looking for but I was just looking for something out of the ordinary. I walked into the house and Dawson was on the floor playing Xbox and I just said hello and he answered but didn't look at me. The sound of his voice was different. He slurred his words.

I instantly snapped and yelled "ARE YOU HIGH?!"
Dawson snapped and his response was "NO. GET THE FUCK OUT "
I can remember the exact words. The exact sound of his voice, I had never heard him speak like that to me in the time we had been together. He never swore at me once until this moment.

That day will haunt me the rest of my life. The way I felt..I can still feel that to this day.

5. The First Lie

I knew he had lied to me, but was it important enough for me to be mad? I had to be angry with him. We had an honest and open relationship and it was unacceptable for even the smallest, dumbest lie.

In between my seat was a receipt. When I looked at it, it was for a store inside the mall. Dawson drove my car twenty minutes to the mall and lied directly to my face the day before. He never mentioned going to the mall. He told me he didn't find a thing, meanwhile this receipt showed he had found $40 worth of clothing.
I was more confused than anything. Our relationship was amazing. Why would he need to lie about this? Not to mention he didn't even ask me if he could take my car the whole way to the mall. Normally I would not care where he went but because he didn't have a license it was kind of a big deal.
I played out in my head what I was going to say when I got to work. I came up with several scenarios because what else was there to do in the twenty-five minute drive from my house to work?

When I got to work, I walked into the kitchen and there was Dawson standing there with a huge smile, excited to see me. I just threw the receipt down in front of him and stared him in the face. He looked at me with disappointed and walked away into the back room.
I had to follow him, I was waiting for an explanation. I looked at him and asked why he lied to me. He just stood there looking scared and sad and just said "I don't know"
But how could he not know? There had to be a reason he didn't want to tell me.
We just stared in silence as he continued to walk away from me. I was angry with him.

I was just thinking to myself...wait a second..why are you walking away from me and why am I chasing you waiting for an apology? This is unfair..I didn't do anything wrong here.

So I decided to walk away. I went back towards the kitchen. I gave it about five minutes and Dawson still hadn't come back.

    I thought about it and I made an excuse for him. I decided to myself that Dawson was probably too scared to tell me he went to the mall because it wasn't what we had previously discussed. And knowing how his ex was, he had every reason to be scared to tell me.

I went back to see Dawson and I just took him by the hand and told him that I loved him very much but lying in our relationship is something I would not stand for. I also told him that it was okay and I understood why he didn't tell me but from that day on he needed to be completely honest with me.
He hugged me and promised he would never lie to me again.

I didn't know it then, but that was the day, the minute, the very second I let him walk all over me. I broke and made excuses for him. When I thought it would be the only time, it turned out to be the first of many times.

In retrospect that should have told me something very important. But as we all know, LOVE IS BLIND.