27. Losing Myself

October brought me close with the people at Finish Line.

Those guys became my best friends and my family. A girl that had worked there for years, Callie, decided to come back once Ryan passed, we needed her help and she wanted to help. Ryan was an assistant manager so the position was now opened. Ryan always wanted me to be one but I never wanted it. Once he passed I wanted to make sure his shoes were filled by someone that truly cared about the job and someone that would pass his good management on. So I asked Tim if I could try for the promotion. He knew why I wanted the position, it was for Ryan. Tim put me into the training for it mid October.

Mac was a manager in training meaning he would eventually get his own store to run. Corey was the other assistant manager. Callie was our best sales associate who was once a manager as well. She and I became very close friends very quickly. Being the only two girls to work daily brought us together. All four of us became such good friends.

Dawson didn't like the fact that I was becoming so close with these guys. I had to hide the extent of my friendship from him because he would get so jealous. It was hard on me because these people were the ones who stood next to me every day and saw me go through bad times with Dawson. They were there for me when Ryan passed while Dawson was just not understanding.

Because of Dawson's jealousy he never knew how close Ryan and I were at work so when he saw how heartbroken I was over his passing he questioned my feelings for him. He asked me if there was something going on between us more than just friends. Dawson might have been a liar and not loyal at times, but I never did anything behind his back to deserve being questioned.

By the end of October I still wasn't happy. I hid my emotions very well though. Dawson had an idea of the kind of mental issues I was having. I felt lonely and lifeless. I was tired of paying Dawson's bills and getting nothing in return. It was almost November and he still was jobless. Yeah, he worked for his brother every now and then but his child support was unpaid.

My sister was throwing a Halloween party, and the night before I had asked Dawson if he was going to pay his rent and he said he would but he had to go get money off of his brother. I drove him into Latrobe and it was a wild goose chase. His brother was nowhere to be found and Dawson was being snappy with me when I started to question it. I remember it was raining and we got into a fight and he stormed out of my car. I left and drove around town. Once again Dawson had no money to pick up. It was one big made up lie. His brother paid him weeks ago but he spent his money on pills again!

When he finally got back into my car after some time apart I told him I didn't want to cause a scene. He was going to the Halloween party with me because I didn't need my sister asking a bunch of questions as to why he wasn't there and her finding out. I told him we needed to find a different solution because the constant lying and using couldn't continue.

I basically brushed off this relapse. I was so used to it happening that when it did I wasn't even upset or surprised. I paid his rent again come November 1st and shortly after that I started questioning my own life.

I cant pin point the exact moment I started to think my life was meaningless. I wasn't happy for awhile. I felt like I was digging this hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper.

Everybody would constantly talk about Ryan and say how they couldn't understand how he felt and why he did what he did. I would just agree with everyone but in my mind I could relate. I acted like everything was getting better. Each time someone would ask me how Dawson was I would lie for him. I would lie for myself. I would tell people he was clean and had been for months. It was easier to lie than to tell people that he was still using and I was paying all his bills.

It was mid November and he had been in and out of Domestic Relation hearings for backed up child support. He had been so behind that if he didn't pay $500 by the end of the week he would be put in jail. He came to me for help but I said no. Eventually I gave in and I paid his backed child support. If I would have let him go to jail he would have hated me. I couldn't accept him not loving me anymore.

I was doing so much for him that I was crumbling away myself. I cried every night. I just wanted things to get better.

He kept promising me that they would, but they weren't. I was drowning.

26. Crumbling

September 1st came and Dawson still didn't have a job.

Rent was due again for him and he didn't have the money. I paid his rent again along with his phone bill just as I did the month before. He now owed me $600 in rent and $70 for his phone. I was buying him groceries but I told him he didn't have to pay me back for that.

I had reached my goal of saving $5000 dollars that summer and I was so proud of myself, but I felt like Dawson was only holding me back from making any more progress.

I was stressed out, I had my own bills to worry about and now I had to take care of Dawson's too. An entire month went by and he still didn't have a job or even an interview. I felt like he wasn't looking hard enough.

He told me a restaurant in New Stanton called him back for an interview so I took him. He ended up not getting the job due to his felony. We were back to the beginning and the search continued. He applied at UPS and had an orientation and then they never called him back and we assumed it was because of his background check.

My sisters wedding was that coming weekend. He didn't come to the wedding with me because I felt it was best. With my dad not wanting him in my life I wasn't going to cause any issues at my sisters wedding.

After my sisters wedding and I got back into town the stress was back on. Dawson said he was going to pick up some work with his brothers to bring in some cash. Dawson's child support wasn't being paid while he was out of work too, and that really worried me. Dawson said he wasn't that much behind and that they wouldn't come after him for one month.

All of September went by and Dawson occasionally worked for his brother laying carpet and labor jobs such as that. But he didn't have any money come the end of the month because he said his brother hadn't paid him yet. I once again paid his rent. He now owed me $900.

October 1st came and I had to work that morning at the golf course. My co-worker Sidney came into work an hour after me and started telling me this crazy story about this police chase and shooting right down the street from her house. She told me some kid was chased by the police and there was a shootout from what she was told. She said she didn't even know it was happening at the time but she found out after. She also said she had no idea who it was. We talked about how insane something like that is to happen around where we live and we went on to work.
Not to long after my boss and her assistant came out to the bar to talk to me and Sidney and they asked if we heard about it because they knew it was right by Sidney's house. We started talking about it and I said I wonder if they released who it was that was in the chase yet and whether or not he died. My boss had her phone out and was reading the article and she said that he did die and then she said the kids name. I instantly got pale white and felt like I was going to throw up. I said "WHAT?" and she repeated the name and I started to freak out. It was my friend from Finish Line.

I ran outside and called my friend Mac from work. He answered and all I said was please tell me Ryan isn't dead. Please tell me this is someone with the same name. He just sighed and said "Jenna I'm so sorry its him" I just broke down. I couldn't breathe, my heart just shattered in a million pieces. My boss walked outside and just hugged me. She told me to take my time and when I was ready to go back inside.
I called Dawson, I needed to talk to him. I just needed someone. Dawson acted like it was nothing, he just told me he was sorry and he didn't know what else to say. I just hung up on him because he had no sympathy at all and it pissed me off.

I went back to work and I finished my shift. I was like a zombie that day. I just walked around with no expression on my face. I was in disbelief.
I needed to know exactly what happened and the whole story, because the rumors being said about what happened couldn't have been true.

I went straight to Finish Line after work to see all my friends. I knew we all needed each other now more than ever.

-----Ryan was one of the sweetest guys I had ever had the honor of knowing. He made me laugh and smile every day we worked together. He was kind and loving. He cared about me and I hope he knows how much I cared about him. What happened to Ryan and the story of how he died is something I won't talk about in this blog. He's now my angel and an important memory I cherish every day I wake.-----

October had just begun and I knew that this was going to be a horrible month. Trying to deal with Ryan's passing along with Dawson being jobless was going to break me. I could only be strong for so long until I physically and mentally couldn't handle much more.
Not one single person knew I was at a breaking point. I should have told someone now that I look back on it.

Maybe if I did, things would have ended differently.

25. Blinded and Taken

I want to take a step back in time and talk about some odd situations that happened in the past few months to a year.

Dawson and I had an Xbox 360 that I had bought off of him in the past so he could pay for bills he was behind on, or so that's what I thought it was for at the time. Turns out it was just drug money. He sold his Call Of Duty Black Ops II game. So when I bought the Xbox off of him he was sad because he already sold our favorite game.
So what did I do? As if it wasn't already obvious...I bought a new one. There went $140 instantly.

Another instance was later down the road whenever Dawson told me our Xbox had broke and he lent it to a friend to fix. He told me he needed $60 to buy a part for it to fix it. I didn't believe him so I told him no. I just didn't feel right about it. He told me he would pay it back to me if it didn't fix it. I kept saying no and he would send me a bunch of texts saying rude things to me, guilting me into doing these things because if I didn't then our relationship would end. Only because it showed I didn't trust him and he didn't want to be with someone who didn't trust him.
He ended up paying me back saying the Xbox couldn't be fixed so he just sold it along with all our games. I was pissed! That was my Xbox and MY games that I paid for. He went behind my back and sold all of my stuff. Later, I found out it was for drugs, just as I suspected. Once again I let him manipulate me.

When I worked at the golf course I had to bring in my own money to make change for customers because we didn't use a cash register drawer. I would bring in $40 cash and about $10 in coins. I constantly kept a $50 bank. I also kept it in a little pencil bag I would just keep in my purse. One day when I got to work I counted out my money like I would every day, and I was about $10 short. I thought maybe I counted wrong the night before. A few days later I realized I was short about $20. I called Dawson and asked him if he took money out of my purse. He promised me he didn't and I let it go at that. But I felt like he was stealing from me. I decided to leave my money at home before I went to his house. Once I started doing that I wasn't missing money anymore.

          A couple weeks later Dawson and I made plans to go get him tools after I got off work. When I left work I didn't take my money home, I went straight to pick Dawson up. I was aware I had my money on me and was being careful. We went to the mall and I bought him his tool kit which he was to pay me back once he got a job. We then went to another store and at all times my purse was on me. I made one stupid mistake though.
We went to a third store and I just was going to run in and run back out. I grabbed my wallet out of my purse but I had my money bag tucked into a back zipper of my purse hidden. I told Dawson id be right back. I didn't think he would take any money with me just being so quick in and out of the store. As I was ringing out at the counter Dawson walked in. I asked him why he didn't wait in the car and he just said he wanted to be with me. I thought it was sweet. We went back to the car and I took him home and then I went home. I didn't check my purse because there was no way Dawson dug through my bag and took the time to swipe some cash and put it all back in the matter of time it took him to come in the store after me.

Well, the next day at work I went to take my money out and my entire money bag was missing. I immediately got upset and text Dawson and I questioned him. He was the only person alone with my purse from the time I left work until I went home. He said he didn't and would never steal from me, but I didn't believe him.

He told me someone might have got in my car while we were in the store and stole it. That was just ridiculous. If someone was stealing they would have took my purse not dug through it to find a pencil bag that just so happened to have cash in it.
Dawson never admitted to stealing money from me in our entire time of being together, but I know it was him.

Dawson said and did whatever he could to get his way at all times. I was responsible for buying the Xbox because if he sold it to "Game Stop" he would start using because his Xbox was his go-to when he needed to keep his mind straight. It was my responsibility to buy him new games. It was my responsibility to pay to fix the Xbox, and it was my responsibility to buy him tools. If I didn't do all these things Dawson would become angry and put the blame on me. I was capable of helping him and if I didn't I guess that meant I didn't love him.

This is how he made me feel. But this man truly loved me, he wasn't using me, he wasn't manipulating me. He really just needed help and I was all he had.


That's what I thought and told myself in the moment. I was taken and blinded by Dawson.

Video Diary 2 Inside my heart

https://youtu.be/6QG8XNmUf-o

24. Opana

It was a downhill spiral. Yeah days and weeks were great and I believed in a forever change, but that change never came.

Dawson didn't last much longer at Rosco's. He said he wouldn't stand for the disrespect he was getting. He decided to walk out one day. I wanted him to wait and put his notice in but he just got so angry he walked right out a few hours into his shift. There were always two options with Dawson. One was to argue with him and get nowhere, or to just support his decisions whether I agreed with them. So I chose to support him. I was so scared I would make him angry and chase him away if I argued that I just told him it was okay to quit.

Dawson was under the impression that finding a new job would be easy. He took a week off just to relax and enjoy not working but once that week ended he was hunting for jobs. He only had a few options that were in walking distance so once those options ran out we had to try somewhere he could take the bike trails to in downtown Greensburg. I promised him I would drive him as often as I could and pick him up almost every night if he found something. There was a position opened at this high class restaurant for a chef. This job would be perfect for Dawson. He could get back into cooking, his real passion. They hired him on the spot. As soon as his first week there he had a serious infection hit him from his kidney stones. He was in the hospital for a couple days. His new boss was completely understanding about it which was great, but Dawson really needed to get back to work.

By the time Dawson started this job it was somewhere towards the end of May, if not beginning of June of 2014. I loved that he was so happy with his new job, it was almost like I got a glimpse of the Dawson I had originally met. Of course he wasn't the same, because people change and I was only hoping this change would be a good change. I drove Dawson to work and picked him up at night most of the time. I would go for runs with Buddie around town while waiting for him to get off work. We had a good routine going and all was well.

My fears of Dawson using again never went away, in fact that were getting worse. With all his kidney issues I never knew what would happen. It was almost like a waiting game. Things were good, and when they were good something bad was bound to happen. It was inevitable. I asked Dawson every few days how he was feelings as far as his recovery and kidneys went. I would ask if he was having any cravings and he would say no. Sometimes, and it was not often, he would text me at odd hours telling me he was having cravings, and I would do everything I could to keep his mind off of drugs. I felt helpless though.

June came and that was one year since his relapse with heroin. I couldn't believe an entire year went by since we lost our apartment and started over. It was such a long hard year, but we conquered through it. We made it through the ups and downs and still were at each others sides. If we would do that there was no telling what we could do. I was not happy that Dawson still didn't have any money saved. Without money we couldn't get a new place together or he couldn't get his license back along with a car. I had been working at the golf course about two months and had saved $1000. My goal was to save $5000 by the end of the summer. Dawson didn't set a goal for himself other than to save enough money to have half of a deposit for a place we could get together.

The rest of the summer went by. We spent a lot of time together and had so many wonderful days. Dinners, movies, and walks together. We went to Twin Lakes for a festival over July 4th with my mother and grandmother. We really were happy. Dawson had several surgeries for his kidneys during the summer as well. But he was making it through. He was also saving money. He had about $800 saved within two months. I was so proud of him. My birthday was less than a month away, August 3rd, and I thought for the first time he would actually have the money to do something for me. I was excited.

July was sneaking by and Dawson didn't seem to like his job anymore. Every day he would complain about someone. He said the owners were treating him badly and giving him problems about missing work from his kidney issues. I knew as soon as he said he wanted a new job, things were going to go bad again. Dawson's behavior patterns were starting to become easy for me to understand and know what was going on. Dawson just doesn't get angry over nothing. He gets angry easily if he's having drug related problems.

Dawson quit the job and I questioned him. I knew something was going on. He snapped on me and told me he was in pain every day and could barely make it through work. He blamed me for making him work without medication.

----I'll be honest, whatever was said and the occurrence of this issue I cant remember at all. I pretty much blocked this fight out.-----

Dawson no longer had a dime to his name and couldn't pay his rent on August 1st. He had spent every last penny in his account on these pills called "Opana" apparently he was buying the strongest ones out there which cost him about $75 a pill. From my understanding and what he explained to me, Opana's are pretty much morphine in pill form.

Once again everything was dwindling apart, only this time I didn't even leave him. I paid his rent for him without him asking. I hugged him and told him to take a couple weeks off and I would help him stay clean.

I didn't tell a soul about this relapse. I was so tired of being judged and lectured. Not to mention to looks of disappointed I got. I couldn't bare to handle it.

I knew I would not be doing anything for my birthday. He felt bad that yet another year he didn't get anything for me. The year before he took me to dinner and Kyla and her fiancé went to Livermore with us. But he didn't get me a gift. This year I wouldn't be getting a gift or even a dinner, but it was my choice to stay with him in spite of all that. I acted like I didn't care as I always did and focused on being there for him. I didn't matter, only Dawson did.

Two weeks went by and Dawson needed to start looking for a new job, I couldn't afford to take care of him and all his bills including my own.

He searched and searched but he could not get hired anywhere.

23. Hiding

Of course I had to start the conversation, but once I did Dawson admitted to the truth. I mean at least he admitted to using drugs. As far as everything else he said and his reasoning's who knows.

Dawson said he bought some pills off of a guy that has once worked with him. It was the same story as before and that was because he was in pain. When it came down to talking about the rolled up post it note and residue in the garbage he didn't admit to it. He claimed he didn't do it and Kyla was just out to cause problems for us because her fiancé was the one doing drugs and she just wanted to put the blame on Dawson. He said that she owed me an apology as well as three other people at Rosco's for putting me through stress and lying to me.

A part of me believed him and I don't know why. Maybe its because I loved him so much and was so blind to what was going on around me. He was so good at making me just fall for his stories and forgive him. Dawson could do no wrong in my eyes. I constantly made excuses for him.

Dawson and I decided to stay together and not break up for good. I asked him if we should take a step back and break off the engagement and he told me no. He still wanted to marry me. I knew I couldn't tell Kyla I went back to him, she would be so angry with me. My sister would be disappointed in me as well and I definitely knew my dad would lose it on me. I had to hide it and not let anyone know we were staying together. I would eventually tell them but I wanted to make it look like we slowly worked things out and didn't just jump right into it.

This day was the day I started living a double life. Full of lies and sadness. I didn't realize at the time that by trying to please everyone else I was only going to destroy my own life.

Kyla asked me how things went and I told her it was fine and that we didn't speak. I hated myself for lying to her but I felt like I had to. She was pregnant and already stressed out, I didn't want to add to it.

A day or two later I picked Dawson up from work and we just hung out and talked all night. The next night I went to dinner with Miranda because I hadn't seen her in a couple months. While we were at dinner Kyla called. I wasn't going to answer because I was at dinner but I thought it could be important so I answered. She just asked me what I was up to and then asked me why I picked Dawson up from work the day before. I knew someone had to of told her when they saw Dawson get in my car. I told her I picked him up because he wanted to talk. She immediately got rude and told me I was being an idiot and that she wasn't going to be around to listen to me cry over him and then immediately jump back into his arms. She said she was having a baby and that she didn't want Dawson near her child. I wanted to cry but I just said okay and hung up.

That phone call and my decision to lie to her was the first fight Kyla and I ever had. We didn't talk for a week or so and I was really upset over it. I was sitting at Dawsons and I just started talking about the fact I hadn't spoken with Kyla and even though Dawson despised her and her fiancé at this point he encouraged me to try and talk to her. I sent her a text and I cant even remember what it said, but when she replied back it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She was still so mad at me and the only thing I even remember was responding saying that I wasn't going to continue the conversation because I didn't want to say something I would regret.

That was it. I instantly starting crying hysterically. Dawson just held me and told me that he was sure we would work it out. I just knew we could never be us again.

----Kyla and I didn't speak to each other for a year after this day. I was so angry with her for just giving up on me, but I was just as much as fault. I let her go. I lost the only person who was ever my true soulmate. I missed her give birth to her daughter, the most important day of her life.

Not a day went by in that year that I didn't think about her. I cried almost every time I did think about her. I would try and talk to Dawson about it but the majority of the time he would get annoyed. He just told me that she walked out of my life. He reminded me that I tried and she still left. So eventually I stopped talking about her to him. Kyla and I have matching tattoos so anytime i felt like i needed her i just looked at my arm and smiled. No matter what I always had that small connection with her, even if i would never talk to her again.----

Being with Dawson again I felt like things could only get better. How much worse could it get? He wanted to look for a new job because he said everyone there was lying about him and causing me pain. Things only became harder after I went back to him. We did have many good days, but the good days are hard to part from the bad.

 I would never be myself again..that much I know.

22. Trying to Walk Away

Walking away that day seemed even harder than the last time I did.

I honestly didn't believe I could ever possibly feel as much pain as I did the June before when Dawson first relapsed, but I was wrong. I loved Dawson so much that every new day I spent with him I loved him a little more each day whenever each day I didn't think it was possible to love him more. So walking away hit me even harder this time.

Having the man you are engaged to and planned your life with look you in the eye and lie with no guilt is an excruciating experience.

I knew when I went home I had to wipe my tears and not let my dad find out. The last thing I wanted was for my family to find out again. I wanted to handle it on my own with the exception of Kyla and Devlin. I hid in my room and cried under my covers so nobody would hear me. Dawson wouldn't talk to me and that was awful for me. He wouldn't even give me an explanation for why he did what he did. I text Kyla and told her what was going on, and she was not surprised. She knew he had been using, and she did try and warn me. A couple days went by and I went to Kyla's house. We sat and talked and she explained to me that enough was enough. I needed to walk away and move on before things got worse.
I nodded my head yes and repeated that I knew she was right. She encouraged me to talk to my dad because if I did that then it would push me to really leave. I knew I needed to listen to her. My life wasn't getting better. Just because I loved Dawson he still made no progress on saving money or getting a car let alone his license.
Kyla told me that if I didn't leave him that he would continue to hurt me and lie. If he wasn't going to change for his kids, then he wasn't going to change for me. She also feared I might one day start using as well because of Dawson's influence. Hearing that scared me.

It had been about 5 days since I walked out on Dawson. He wasn't talking to me and I couldn't make him. I could barely eat and I was dropping weight from all the stress as well as lack of food. I told my sister what was going on and as I left for work one morning I got to the end of my road and pulled over and text my dad. I told him I was pretty sure Dawson was on drugs again and I wanted to leave him but I didn't feel strong enough to so I asked my dad if he could find a counselor for me to help me get through this. He just replied back telling me he would find a psychiatrist that was covered by our insurance. I went to my sisters the next night and stayed for the weekend. I missed Dawson so much and all I wanted was to be with him But how would we ever move on from this when he couldn't even admit he had a problem?

My sister and her fiancé took me to dinner and they were really trying to help me cheer up but they knew nothing they could say or do could change the way I felt. I have a lot of respect for Kassi biting her tongue that weekend. I know she wanted to yell and say I told you so, but she didn't. She was just there for me. Kyla and Devlin both text me every day to check in with me.

What nobody knew is that the entire weekend at my sisters Dawson and I were texting. We weren't texting all day every day but at least a couple times a day. He told me he missed me and I told him I loved him. We really thought this would be the end of us so we were speaking to each other in a way that we were saying goodbyes. I didn't want anyone to know I was talking to him because I honestly couldn't handle an ounce of judgement or one more lecture.

8 days went by and I lost close to 10 pounds...no idea how that was possible to this day.
I decided to ask Dawson if I could come and get my things from his apartment. Kyla knew I was going there and she advised me to grab it and walk away. That ended up not being very difficult. When I knocked on the door Dawson opened it and handed me my things without a word. I just grabbed them and said thank you and turned and walked to my car. As soon as I got to my car I just sat there in shock. Why didn't he stop me from walking away? He said he loved me and missed me yet he did nothing.
I'm the one who needed to leave him, but something in my heart wouldn't let me leave. So I text him from in my car and asked him if we could talk...he said yes and I walked right back into his apartment and he was sitting on the couch.

I just looked at him with tears filling my eyes and I sat down.

It was silent for a minute, and then everything just spilled out...