Video Diary 2 Inside my heart

https://youtu.be/6QG8XNmUf-o

24. Opana

It was a downhill spiral. Yeah days and weeks were great and I believed in a forever change, but that change never came.

Dawson didn't last much longer at Rosco's. He said he wouldn't stand for the disrespect he was getting. He decided to walk out one day. I wanted him to wait and put his notice in but he just got so angry he walked right out a few hours into his shift. There were always two options with Dawson. One was to argue with him and get nowhere, or to just support his decisions whether I agreed with them. So I chose to support him. I was so scared I would make him angry and chase him away if I argued that I just told him it was okay to quit.

Dawson was under the impression that finding a new job would be easy. He took a week off just to relax and enjoy not working but once that week ended he was hunting for jobs. He only had a few options that were in walking distance so once those options ran out we had to try somewhere he could take the bike trails to in downtown Greensburg. I promised him I would drive him as often as I could and pick him up almost every night if he found something. There was a position opened at this high class restaurant for a chef. This job would be perfect for Dawson. He could get back into cooking, his real passion. They hired him on the spot. As soon as his first week there he had a serious infection hit him from his kidney stones. He was in the hospital for a couple days. His new boss was completely understanding about it which was great, but Dawson really needed to get back to work.

By the time Dawson started this job it was somewhere towards the end of May, if not beginning of June of 2014. I loved that he was so happy with his new job, it was almost like I got a glimpse of the Dawson I had originally met. Of course he wasn't the same, because people change and I was only hoping this change would be a good change. I drove Dawson to work and picked him up at night most of the time. I would go for runs with Buddie around town while waiting for him to get off work. We had a good routine going and all was well.

My fears of Dawson using again never went away, in fact that were getting worse. With all his kidney issues I never knew what would happen. It was almost like a waiting game. Things were good, and when they were good something bad was bound to happen. It was inevitable. I asked Dawson every few days how he was feelings as far as his recovery and kidneys went. I would ask if he was having any cravings and he would say no. Sometimes, and it was not often, he would text me at odd hours telling me he was having cravings, and I would do everything I could to keep his mind off of drugs. I felt helpless though.

June came and that was one year since his relapse with heroin. I couldn't believe an entire year went by since we lost our apartment and started over. It was such a long hard year, but we conquered through it. We made it through the ups and downs and still were at each others sides. If we would do that there was no telling what we could do. I was not happy that Dawson still didn't have any money saved. Without money we couldn't get a new place together or he couldn't get his license back along with a car. I had been working at the golf course about two months and had saved $1000. My goal was to save $5000 by the end of the summer. Dawson didn't set a goal for himself other than to save enough money to have half of a deposit for a place we could get together.

The rest of the summer went by. We spent a lot of time together and had so many wonderful days. Dinners, movies, and walks together. We went to Twin Lakes for a festival over July 4th with my mother and grandmother. We really were happy. Dawson had several surgeries for his kidneys during the summer as well. But he was making it through. He was also saving money. He had about $800 saved within two months. I was so proud of him. My birthday was less than a month away, August 3rd, and I thought for the first time he would actually have the money to do something for me. I was excited.

July was sneaking by and Dawson didn't seem to like his job anymore. Every day he would complain about someone. He said the owners were treating him badly and giving him problems about missing work from his kidney issues. I knew as soon as he said he wanted a new job, things were going to go bad again. Dawson's behavior patterns were starting to become easy for me to understand and know what was going on. Dawson just doesn't get angry over nothing. He gets angry easily if he's having drug related problems.

Dawson quit the job and I questioned him. I knew something was going on. He snapped on me and told me he was in pain every day and could barely make it through work. He blamed me for making him work without medication.

----I'll be honest, whatever was said and the occurrence of this issue I cant remember at all. I pretty much blocked this fight out.-----

Dawson no longer had a dime to his name and couldn't pay his rent on August 1st. He had spent every last penny in his account on these pills called "Opana" apparently he was buying the strongest ones out there which cost him about $75 a pill. From my understanding and what he explained to me, Opana's are pretty much morphine in pill form.

Once again everything was dwindling apart, only this time I didn't even leave him. I paid his rent for him without him asking. I hugged him and told him to take a couple weeks off and I would help him stay clean.

I didn't tell a soul about this relapse. I was so tired of being judged and lectured. Not to mention to looks of disappointed I got. I couldn't bare to handle it.

I knew I would not be doing anything for my birthday. He felt bad that yet another year he didn't get anything for me. The year before he took me to dinner and Kyla and her fiancé went to Livermore with us. But he didn't get me a gift. This year I wouldn't be getting a gift or even a dinner, but it was my choice to stay with him in spite of all that. I acted like I didn't care as I always did and focused on being there for him. I didn't matter, only Dawson did.

Two weeks went by and Dawson needed to start looking for a new job, I couldn't afford to take care of him and all his bills including my own.

He searched and searched but he could not get hired anywhere.

23. Hiding

Of course I had to start the conversation, but once I did Dawson admitted to the truth. I mean at least he admitted to using drugs. As far as everything else he said and his reasoning's who knows.

Dawson said he bought some pills off of a guy that has once worked with him. It was the same story as before and that was because he was in pain. When it came down to talking about the rolled up post it note and residue in the garbage he didn't admit to it. He claimed he didn't do it and Kyla was just out to cause problems for us because her fiancé was the one doing drugs and she just wanted to put the blame on Dawson. He said that she owed me an apology as well as three other people at Rosco's for putting me through stress and lying to me.

A part of me believed him and I don't know why. Maybe its because I loved him so much and was so blind to what was going on around me. He was so good at making me just fall for his stories and forgive him. Dawson could do no wrong in my eyes. I constantly made excuses for him.

Dawson and I decided to stay together and not break up for good. I asked him if we should take a step back and break off the engagement and he told me no. He still wanted to marry me. I knew I couldn't tell Kyla I went back to him, she would be so angry with me. My sister would be disappointed in me as well and I definitely knew my dad would lose it on me. I had to hide it and not let anyone know we were staying together. I would eventually tell them but I wanted to make it look like we slowly worked things out and didn't just jump right into it.

This day was the day I started living a double life. Full of lies and sadness. I didn't realize at the time that by trying to please everyone else I was only going to destroy my own life.

Kyla asked me how things went and I told her it was fine and that we didn't speak. I hated myself for lying to her but I felt like I had to. She was pregnant and already stressed out, I didn't want to add to it.

A day or two later I picked Dawson up from work and we just hung out and talked all night. The next night I went to dinner with Miranda because I hadn't seen her in a couple months. While we were at dinner Kyla called. I wasn't going to answer because I was at dinner but I thought it could be important so I answered. She just asked me what I was up to and then asked me why I picked Dawson up from work the day before. I knew someone had to of told her when they saw Dawson get in my car. I told her I picked him up because he wanted to talk. She immediately got rude and told me I was being an idiot and that she wasn't going to be around to listen to me cry over him and then immediately jump back into his arms. She said she was having a baby and that she didn't want Dawson near her child. I wanted to cry but I just said okay and hung up.

That phone call and my decision to lie to her was the first fight Kyla and I ever had. We didn't talk for a week or so and I was really upset over it. I was sitting at Dawsons and I just started talking about the fact I hadn't spoken with Kyla and even though Dawson despised her and her fiancé at this point he encouraged me to try and talk to her. I sent her a text and I cant even remember what it said, but when she replied back it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She was still so mad at me and the only thing I even remember was responding saying that I wasn't going to continue the conversation because I didn't want to say something I would regret.

That was it. I instantly starting crying hysterically. Dawson just held me and told me that he was sure we would work it out. I just knew we could never be us again.

----Kyla and I didn't speak to each other for a year after this day. I was so angry with her for just giving up on me, but I was just as much as fault. I let her go. I lost the only person who was ever my true soulmate. I missed her give birth to her daughter, the most important day of her life.

Not a day went by in that year that I didn't think about her. I cried almost every time I did think about her. I would try and talk to Dawson about it but the majority of the time he would get annoyed. He just told me that she walked out of my life. He reminded me that I tried and she still left. So eventually I stopped talking about her to him. Kyla and I have matching tattoos so anytime i felt like i needed her i just looked at my arm and smiled. No matter what I always had that small connection with her, even if i would never talk to her again.----

Being with Dawson again I felt like things could only get better. How much worse could it get? He wanted to look for a new job because he said everyone there was lying about him and causing me pain. Things only became harder after I went back to him. We did have many good days, but the good days are hard to part from the bad.

 I would never be myself again..that much I know.

22. Trying to Walk Away

Walking away that day seemed even harder than the last time I did.

I honestly didn't believe I could ever possibly feel as much pain as I did the June before when Dawson first relapsed, but I was wrong. I loved Dawson so much that every new day I spent with him I loved him a little more each day whenever each day I didn't think it was possible to love him more. So walking away hit me even harder this time.

Having the man you are engaged to and planned your life with look you in the eye and lie with no guilt is an excruciating experience.

I knew when I went home I had to wipe my tears and not let my dad find out. The last thing I wanted was for my family to find out again. I wanted to handle it on my own with the exception of Kyla and Devlin. I hid in my room and cried under my covers so nobody would hear me. Dawson wouldn't talk to me and that was awful for me. He wouldn't even give me an explanation for why he did what he did. I text Kyla and told her what was going on, and she was not surprised. She knew he had been using, and she did try and warn me. A couple days went by and I went to Kyla's house. We sat and talked and she explained to me that enough was enough. I needed to walk away and move on before things got worse.
I nodded my head yes and repeated that I knew she was right. She encouraged me to talk to my dad because if I did that then it would push me to really leave. I knew I needed to listen to her. My life wasn't getting better. Just because I loved Dawson he still made no progress on saving money or getting a car let alone his license.
Kyla told me that if I didn't leave him that he would continue to hurt me and lie. If he wasn't going to change for his kids, then he wasn't going to change for me. She also feared I might one day start using as well because of Dawson's influence. Hearing that scared me.

It had been about 5 days since I walked out on Dawson. He wasn't talking to me and I couldn't make him. I could barely eat and I was dropping weight from all the stress as well as lack of food. I told my sister what was going on and as I left for work one morning I got to the end of my road and pulled over and text my dad. I told him I was pretty sure Dawson was on drugs again and I wanted to leave him but I didn't feel strong enough to so I asked my dad if he could find a counselor for me to help me get through this. He just replied back telling me he would find a psychiatrist that was covered by our insurance. I went to my sisters the next night and stayed for the weekend. I missed Dawson so much and all I wanted was to be with him But how would we ever move on from this when he couldn't even admit he had a problem?

My sister and her fiancé took me to dinner and they were really trying to help me cheer up but they knew nothing they could say or do could change the way I felt. I have a lot of respect for Kassi biting her tongue that weekend. I know she wanted to yell and say I told you so, but she didn't. She was just there for me. Kyla and Devlin both text me every day to check in with me.

What nobody knew is that the entire weekend at my sisters Dawson and I were texting. We weren't texting all day every day but at least a couple times a day. He told me he missed me and I told him I loved him. We really thought this would be the end of us so we were speaking to each other in a way that we were saying goodbyes. I didn't want anyone to know I was talking to him because I honestly couldn't handle an ounce of judgement or one more lecture.

8 days went by and I lost close to 10 pounds...no idea how that was possible to this day.
I decided to ask Dawson if I could come and get my things from his apartment. Kyla knew I was going there and she advised me to grab it and walk away. That ended up not being very difficult. When I knocked on the door Dawson opened it and handed me my things without a word. I just grabbed them and said thank you and turned and walked to my car. As soon as I got to my car I just sat there in shock. Why didn't he stop me from walking away? He said he loved me and missed me yet he did nothing.
I'm the one who needed to leave him, but something in my heart wouldn't let me leave. So I text him from in my car and asked him if we could talk...he said yes and I walked right back into his apartment and he was sitting on the couch.

I just looked at him with tears filling my eyes and I sat down.

It was silent for a minute, and then everything just spilled out...

VIDEO DIARY 1

Video Diary Link

21. Becoming Distant

When March came things started to change.

I applied for a job at a golf course and got it. I was still going to be working at Finish Line but I needed more of an income. The golf course was only two minutes from Dawson's apartment and work so it would be really convenient for us to see each other more often.

I was really excited to start the job but I couldn't for a few weeks because we were waiting on the course to open since it was closed for the winter. In this time of waiting things between Kyla and I were getting weird.
We didn't talk as often and when I saw her she just seemed annoyed. It was completely awkward and I didn't know why. Kyla and I were like sisters so it was completely odd that we didn't have much to talk about. I would ask her how she was feeling since she was about 5 months pregnant and she was always short with her answers. I thought maybe she was just going through basic hormonal changes with the pregnancy so I tried not to think to much about it.

Dawson and I were doing well. We were having arguments often about little things but it was never anything huge. He was still having kidney issues and he never wanted to do much because he was often in pain.
My job began and I was working a lot and I loved it. April rolled around and Kyla and I barely talked. I knew I was busy and that she was busy so I told her we would try and make plans when it worked for us both. Dawson got in touch with an old friend he had once lived with names Jake. I was excited to meet him because this was the one friend I heard Dawson talk about that didn't use drugs.

Jake came over to Dawson's apartment one day and I got to meet him. He seemed like an okay guy but as always I was leery about him. He was spending a lot of time with him and I wasn't sure how I felt about it cause it seemed like he was always with Jake but a part of me felt like he was lying. One night we were supposed to hang out and Dawson just completely blew me off and said he was going to out with Jake and they were not going to make it back. He wasn't answering any of his calls or texts and I was getting extremely upset. I didn't hear back from him until 2 AM and by that point I was too upset with him to even talk to him.

The very next day I had to work until about 8PM. Dawson asked me to come over after work and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to see him. I ended up going even though I was so upset with him. When I got there Jake's car was in the parking lot and I was immediately annoyed. When I went in Dawson grabbed me and said he was so sorry for the night before and that he didn't plan on being out that late and Jake also apologized. Dawson had made me dinner, bought me dragon roses, and wrote me a note. These roses were the most beautiful roses I had ever received. I instantly put my hands over my face and started crying. I couldn't believe he did all of this for me as an apology. In the year and four months we were together he never went out of his way to make me feel so important. Jake left us to be alone and I just looked at Dawson and thanked him for showing me how much I mattered.

It felt really great to know that he owned up for making a mistake and I didn't have to beg him for one. He also didn't make me feel like I needed to be sorry for anything and usually when we fought somehow it always came back to being my fault but this time it wasn't.

Everything was good, but a part of me still felt strange. The amounts of time Dawson said he was with Jake just didn't add up. I felt like something was going on and Kyla acting strange was also not helping.

Kyla and I got to talk and she was not happy. She told me that she had saw something that really bothered her. She told me Dawson was taking a lot of bathroom breaks and when she went into the bathroom after him one day there was a rolled up post it note in the garbage and a can of snuss. She took the can out of the garbage and she said there was white residue in it. She was completely sure he was doing pills. She said he had been acting weird for weeks and having mood swings at work and that's why she had been so distant. She was irritated with him and didn't want to take it out on me.
I wanted to believe her but at the same time things were good and I didn't want to ruin it over suspicions. I told her I would look into it.

I asked Dawson numerous times if he was taking any pills, or possibly using again. He told me repeatedly that he wasn't so I believed him. At least I pretended to believe him. I trusted Kyla too much. I eventually just told Dawson what Kyla told me and he got angry. He wanted to flip out on her but I begged him not to. He made me believe if anyone was doing pills in that bathroom it was Kyla's fiancé . Dawson told me he had offered him pills many times before but he always said no. He said he didn't want to worry me and that's why he never mentioned it.

I had worked at finish line one day and I had text Dawson and asked him If I could swing by after work and he said he was going to nap and let me know when he got up. It was around 1pm and I was getting done at 2pm. When I got off work I called him and he didn't answer. I tried a couple more times in case he was sleeping I would wake him, but still no answer. I decided I would just drive over there and knock on the door. So I did. When I got there nobody answered the door. I was starting to get upset. I knew he wasn't home. I went home and tried to wait it out. I sent him many texts and tried to call. He finally text me a little after 4pm and said he just woke up. I told him I knew he was lying and that he wasn't home, so then he called me. He was out of breath and said no I was not napping, and that he went to look at an apartment for us and wanted it to be a surprise. I told him I didn't believe him because it does not take over 2 hours to look at an apartment. He kept trying to reassure me but I knew he was lying. He eventually just got irritated with me and hung up on me. I had a drug test I had bought months before. I text him and told him I wanted him to take this test because I knew he was using again and that if he didn't take it I would leave him. I was a train wreck.
He just kept telling me I was crazy and he had to go to work and that he didn't have time for this. I went to his work and we were talking in private. I knew the minute I looked at him he was on drugs. I grabbed his phone off of him and got to his messaged before he ripped it out of my hand. I saw some random number talking about meeting at sheetz. I was down on my knees crying begging him to take the test. He grabbed the test and said he would but after I needed to leave him alone and that we were done because he wasn't on drugs. He walked to the bathroom and I followed and then instantly he said he didn't have to go and he would take it that evening. I knew right then he was dirty. After being on house arrest and probation for so many years he could take a test on the spot at any time. I begged him to tell me the truth but he wouldn't.
Looking in his eyes I swear it was pure evil. I started to walk away with what little dignity I had left and I turned and looked at him and I said that he wouldn't get another chance. He said nothing other than to just leave, and I walked out.

I felt nothing but fear of the man I had just looked at.

Did I really have to go through this again?

20. Valentines Day

Valentines Day was creeping up, and I wanted to have the most romantic night.

Our previous Valentines Day, we didn't do anything for it because Dawson had just got off house arrest a few days before so we had nothing planned, except I did surprise him by decorating his house with streamers and rose petals, which Kyla helped me with.
 So this year was a big deal to me.

I had tried to make plans with Dawson for it in advance, but unfortunately like any other time he had to work. I was really disappointed we weren't going to be going anywhere but I didn't want to show it. I made it look like it was no big deal and that we would just hang out and watch a movie after he got off work.

Valentines Day came and he told me he would have a surprise for me so I got extremely excited. I didn't know what it was going to be considering he had to work all night. When he came home he brought us food and had something extra for me. He was reluctant on giving it to me because he was embarrassed. He said he attempted to make me fried dough shaped like a rose, but it just didn't turn out very edible or the way he hoped for. I could tell it was cut out like the opening of a rose. I was happy and I thought he put a lot of effort into trying to make something for me. It was a sweet gesture that I truly appreciated.

That was one thing I really loved about Dawson, even without having the money to buy me things he always tried to be creative.

We had a great night and just being there with him knowing he loved me was better than going out to dinner with the entire city.

        Although I was happy to have him and his thoughtfulness, I felt a little bit of sadness deep down. I guess I was just a little jealous of the girls all over social media posting pictures of their dozens of roses and chocolate along with the diamonds. Its not like I needed those things but after being together for two valentines days and not getting even so much as a card hurt a bit. I know Dawson was busy and didn't have a car to go to the store and do those kinds of things for me so I had to be okay with it.

I didn't want to be the kind of girl who needs gifts or flowers or anything. I just wanted to give as much as I could and be as selfless as possible. That's who I wanted to be and that's just who I was our entire time together. Dawson gave me love and acceptance to be myself. He appreciated who I was and looked at me like I was flawless. I wouldn't want to jeopardize any of that over not getting flowers every month or even just a special occasion. I had what I needed, or so I thought.

Everyone always beat into my head that I needed a man who could provide for me, that I could lean on for anything and everything. I did whatever I could to prove that I didn't need any of that. I didn't need a man to provide for me because I could provide for myself. All I needed was someone that loved me, and I had that. That was good enough.

Dawson and I weren't normal. We were going to prove everybody's doubts wrong. Dawson believed in us and he always said we might not have these things today, or tomorrow, but I wont stop working until I can give you the world. I trusted he would do just that.

So with that, Valentines Day and my inch of sadness weren't relevant. I would one day have more and I would know that missing out on the average experiences most girls get would all be worth it.

Dawson might not of financially been able to take care of me, but I could take care of him as much as I could. His birthday was only weeks away and I was planning on something that would make him ecstatic.