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21. Becoming Distant

When March came things started to change.

I applied for a job at a golf course and got it. I was still going to be working at Finish Line but I needed more of an income. The golf course was only two minutes from Dawson's apartment and work so it would be really convenient for us to see each other more often.

I was really excited to start the job but I couldn't for a few weeks because we were waiting on the course to open since it was closed for the winter. In this time of waiting things between Kyla and I were getting weird.
We didn't talk as often and when I saw her she just seemed annoyed. It was completely awkward and I didn't know why. Kyla and I were like sisters so it was completely odd that we didn't have much to talk about. I would ask her how she was feeling since she was about 5 months pregnant and she was always short with her answers. I thought maybe she was just going through basic hormonal changes with the pregnancy so I tried not to think to much about it.

Dawson and I were doing well. We were having arguments often about little things but it was never anything huge. He was still having kidney issues and he never wanted to do much because he was often in pain.
My job began and I was working a lot and I loved it. April rolled around and Kyla and I barely talked. I knew I was busy and that she was busy so I told her we would try and make plans when it worked for us both. Dawson got in touch with an old friend he had once lived with names Jake. I was excited to meet him because this was the one friend I heard Dawson talk about that didn't use drugs.

Jake came over to Dawson's apartment one day and I got to meet him. He seemed like an okay guy but as always I was leery about him. He was spending a lot of time with him and I wasn't sure how I felt about it cause it seemed like he was always with Jake but a part of me felt like he was lying. One night we were supposed to hang out and Dawson just completely blew me off and said he was going to out with Jake and they were not going to make it back. He wasn't answering any of his calls or texts and I was getting extremely upset. I didn't hear back from him until 2 AM and by that point I was too upset with him to even talk to him.

The very next day I had to work until about 8PM. Dawson asked me to come over after work and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to see him. I ended up going even though I was so upset with him. When I got there Jake's car was in the parking lot and I was immediately annoyed. When I went in Dawson grabbed me and said he was so sorry for the night before and that he didn't plan on being out that late and Jake also apologized. Dawson had made me dinner, bought me dragon roses, and wrote me a note. These roses were the most beautiful roses I had ever received. I instantly put my hands over my face and started crying. I couldn't believe he did all of this for me as an apology. In the year and four months we were together he never went out of his way to make me feel so important. Jake left us to be alone and I just looked at Dawson and thanked him for showing me how much I mattered.

It felt really great to know that he owned up for making a mistake and I didn't have to beg him for one. He also didn't make me feel like I needed to be sorry for anything and usually when we fought somehow it always came back to being my fault but this time it wasn't.

Everything was good, but a part of me still felt strange. The amounts of time Dawson said he was with Jake just didn't add up. I felt like something was going on and Kyla acting strange was also not helping.

Kyla and I got to talk and she was not happy. She told me that she had saw something that really bothered her. She told me Dawson was taking a lot of bathroom breaks and when she went into the bathroom after him one day there was a rolled up post it note in the garbage and a can of snuss. She took the can out of the garbage and she said there was white residue in it. She was completely sure he was doing pills. She said he had been acting weird for weeks and having mood swings at work and that's why she had been so distant. She was irritated with him and didn't want to take it out on me.
I wanted to believe her but at the same time things were good and I didn't want to ruin it over suspicions. I told her I would look into it.

I asked Dawson numerous times if he was taking any pills, or possibly using again. He told me repeatedly that he wasn't so I believed him. At least I pretended to believe him. I trusted Kyla too much. I eventually just told Dawson what Kyla told me and he got angry. He wanted to flip out on her but I begged him not to. He made me believe if anyone was doing pills in that bathroom it was Kyla's fiancé . Dawson told me he had offered him pills many times before but he always said no. He said he didn't want to worry me and that's why he never mentioned it.

I had worked at finish line one day and I had text Dawson and asked him If I could swing by after work and he said he was going to nap and let me know when he got up. It was around 1pm and I was getting done at 2pm. When I got off work I called him and he didn't answer. I tried a couple more times in case he was sleeping I would wake him, but still no answer. I decided I would just drive over there and knock on the door. So I did. When I got there nobody answered the door. I was starting to get upset. I knew he wasn't home. I went home and tried to wait it out. I sent him many texts and tried to call. He finally text me a little after 4pm and said he just woke up. I told him I knew he was lying and that he wasn't home, so then he called me. He was out of breath and said no I was not napping, and that he went to look at an apartment for us and wanted it to be a surprise. I told him I didn't believe him because it does not take over 2 hours to look at an apartment. He kept trying to reassure me but I knew he was lying. He eventually just got irritated with me and hung up on me. I had a drug test I had bought months before. I text him and told him I wanted him to take this test because I knew he was using again and that if he didn't take it I would leave him. I was a train wreck.
He just kept telling me I was crazy and he had to go to work and that he didn't have time for this. I went to his work and we were talking in private. I knew the minute I looked at him he was on drugs. I grabbed his phone off of him and got to his messaged before he ripped it out of my hand. I saw some random number talking about meeting at sheetz. I was down on my knees crying begging him to take the test. He grabbed the test and said he would but after I needed to leave him alone and that we were done because he wasn't on drugs. He walked to the bathroom and I followed and then instantly he said he didn't have to go and he would take it that evening. I knew right then he was dirty. After being on house arrest and probation for so many years he could take a test on the spot at any time. I begged him to tell me the truth but he wouldn't.
Looking in his eyes I swear it was pure evil. I started to walk away with what little dignity I had left and I turned and looked at him and I said that he wouldn't get another chance. He said nothing other than to just leave, and I walked out.

I felt nothing but fear of the man I had just looked at.

Did I really have to go through this again?

20. Valentines Day

Valentines Day was creeping up, and I wanted to have the most romantic night.

Our previous Valentines Day, we didn't do anything for it because Dawson had just got off house arrest a few days before so we had nothing planned, except I did surprise him by decorating his house with streamers and rose petals, which Kyla helped me with.
 So this year was a big deal to me.

I had tried to make plans with Dawson for it in advance, but unfortunately like any other time he had to work. I was really disappointed we weren't going to be going anywhere but I didn't want to show it. I made it look like it was no big deal and that we would just hang out and watch a movie after he got off work.

Valentines Day came and he told me he would have a surprise for me so I got extremely excited. I didn't know what it was going to be considering he had to work all night. When he came home he brought us food and had something extra for me. He was reluctant on giving it to me because he was embarrassed. He said he attempted to make me fried dough shaped like a rose, but it just didn't turn out very edible or the way he hoped for. I could tell it was cut out like the opening of a rose. I was happy and I thought he put a lot of effort into trying to make something for me. It was a sweet gesture that I truly appreciated.

That was one thing I really loved about Dawson, even without having the money to buy me things he always tried to be creative.

We had a great night and just being there with him knowing he loved me was better than going out to dinner with the entire city.

        Although I was happy to have him and his thoughtfulness, I felt a little bit of sadness deep down. I guess I was just a little jealous of the girls all over social media posting pictures of their dozens of roses and chocolate along with the diamonds. Its not like I needed those things but after being together for two valentines days and not getting even so much as a card hurt a bit. I know Dawson was busy and didn't have a car to go to the store and do those kinds of things for me so I had to be okay with it.

I didn't want to be the kind of girl who needs gifts or flowers or anything. I just wanted to give as much as I could and be as selfless as possible. That's who I wanted to be and that's just who I was our entire time together. Dawson gave me love and acceptance to be myself. He appreciated who I was and looked at me like I was flawless. I wouldn't want to jeopardize any of that over not getting flowers every month or even just a special occasion. I had what I needed, or so I thought.

Everyone always beat into my head that I needed a man who could provide for me, that I could lean on for anything and everything. I did whatever I could to prove that I didn't need any of that. I didn't need a man to provide for me because I could provide for myself. All I needed was someone that loved me, and I had that. That was good enough.

Dawson and I weren't normal. We were going to prove everybody's doubts wrong. Dawson believed in us and he always said we might not have these things today, or tomorrow, but I wont stop working until I can give you the world. I trusted he would do just that.

So with that, Valentines Day and my inch of sadness weren't relevant. I would one day have more and I would know that missing out on the average experiences most girls get would all be worth it.

Dawson might not of financially been able to take care of me, but I could take care of him as much as I could. His birthday was only weeks away and I was planning on something that would make him ecstatic.

( BREAK)

If you love my blog, and my story...

Make sure y'all go to....

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....tomorrow night ( Monday January 25th) for 7PM ( 6cPM). I will be on the show and you can listen in live. Just go to their listen live tab or their media tab.

I'll be talking about the blog and why I started it. Ya might even get a sneak peak as to what is to come in my story.

Also, thanks so much for caring enough about what I have to say by reading daily :)

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19. Reasoning

Some details need to be filled in...

I should explain a little bit about Dawson's situation and history before I get into Valentines Day.

Dawson obviously started over when he quit his job that we worked together. He was paying child support from the income he had over a year ago. At this point he was not making nearly what he had used to so his child support was 70% of his paycheck. He had enough money to pay rent a month and maybe $100 to spare. It wasn't much after groceries and a phone bill. So it was almost next to impossible for him to take me out and buy me things, let alone him to save money. He didn't file for a decrease in payment of child support right away because he wanted to do what he could for his kids.

He really loved his kids and he missed them so much. He felt like after his relapse and being away from them for so long it was best for him not to be in and out of their lives. He knew he didn't have a place for them to stay and couldn't really do much for them on the money he was living off of. He did what he thought was best at the time.
He really didn't talk much about the kids to me because I know it was breaking his heart. It was easier for him to avoid it than to deal with it, like he did with many issues.

It got to the point where Dawson could barely take care of the things he needed to with the money he had so he filed for a decrease in child support and got it. It wasn't a large decrease but it was enough that he could take better care of himself.

With Dawson paying so much in child support, he was seeing next to no money. He needed health insurance because of how badly his kidney issues were getting. He was constantly in the hospital with either a kidney stone stuck or an infection. The doctors barely treated him without insurance and he couldn't afford the antibiotics. I tried to help him pay for what I could but we needed him to get insurance. He filed many times and got denied through welfare because he made too much money.
On paper it said he made too much, but after child support he couldn't pay for insurance on top of his rent and groceries. Welfare doesn't take child support into consideration. So he was stuck, but he kept trying. He spoke with many people that work at the hospital and they even helped him with paperwork. Dawson eventually got approved for insurance but it was $35 a month. As much as he didn't want to pay for it, he did because his health was at risk.

Being in pain constantly was a big factor in why he had a difficult time staying clean. He did his best and fought against as much pain as he could. I do believe he tried to fight off his cravings in the beginning. It seemed like he truly cared about his sobriety.

Dawson was an amazing person. He did as much as he could for me. He was a gentlemen and he would hand me the shirt off his back if I were cold. He always opened the door for me anytime we went anywhere. He made me playlists of songs that made him think of me. He always knew how to make me feel like I was the only girl in the world. I loved him so very much.

Its important to know who Dawson was. He was a kind, caring, loving, devoted, understanding, respectful, positive person. He loved his children with his whole heart and wanted them to only ever be taken care of in the best way possible. He loved me without a doubt.

So when I write about things that he has done that hurt me, that isn't to make him into a bad guy. Like I said before, good people do bad things.

It doesn't define them.... and Dawson was a great man.

18. Our First Christmas

Dawson and I decided we were going to wait till after Christmas to announce our engagement.

I didn't want to upset anyone on Christmas in case they weren't happy about our engagement. I figured I would wait until the next day to tell my mom and hopefully have the courage to tell my dad.
We celebrated Christmas at my moms house.
Kassi, my sister, was very nice towards Dawson despite how angry she still was with him. Before the whole family arrived, my sister and I were in the bathroom and she could just tell I was hiding something. She knew exactly what was going on and she was not happy about it. She was more upset with the fact that I didn't tell her the minute I got engaged. I told her I knew how upset she was with Dawson and I just wanting to enjoy the moment before I had to tell everyone. We talked more about it and she eventually hugged me and told me she would support me. I was so relieved my sister knew. Not telling her right away wasn't easy for me.

The family came over and we ate dinner and exchanged gifts. Dawson and I were so happy. It was a perfect holiday and our first Christmas together.

A couple days later I decided I had to suck it up and tell my mom. I went to her house before work and we sat down to talk. I remember fidgeting a lot with my hands and my voice was shaky. I told her I needed to tell her something and that I really didn't want her to be upset. She said okay and I just blurted it out and immediately started crying saying how I didn't want her to be mad or disappointed because I was really happy and I just wanted her to be happy for me. She hugged me and said she had a feeling I was going to tell her that. She asked to see my ring and told me it was beautiful. My mom was definitely worried but trying to be as kind and supportive as she could be. She asked me if I told my dad yet and I said no and that I was scared to. She basically told me that I needed to tell him sooner than later, and she was right.

So I planned to tell him that evening after work.

When I went home that night I sat down on the couch and told my dad that Dawson had proposed to me. The first thing out of my dads mouth was.."and what did you say?" He looked really angry. I told him I said yes but its not like we were going to get married right away. My dad was not happy, he told me that its completely ridiculous and he would never ever support it. I cried a little but I knew what he was going to tell me before I said anything so I was already prepared. I was waiting for my dad to start screaming at me, I knew it was coming. But he didn't. He just looked at me with extreme disappointment and walked away.

I went to my room and I just cried. I knew it was going to be hard to tell my dad, but I didn't realize how much his disapproval was going to break my heart.

I wanted my dad to love Dawson just as much as I did, but it wasn't going to happen.
Atleast my friends, mom, and sister would support me. I also thought about how once my dad would see how well things were going he would come around.

Things were great, other than my dads disapproval, and I wanted to set a date. Dawson wanted a 3 year engagement and I only wanted 2. However, after Dawson explained to me that we financially didn't have the money to plan a wedding and pay for it within 2 years I accepted 3. We decided on May 21st, 2016.

I was thrilled! I started to pick out colors and look at venues just because I wanted to know exactly how much we would need to save. We also started a wedding jar and each of us put $20 in a week.

I was happy for awhile, but nobody was taking our engagement seriously. Not one person in my family called to congratulate us and that was very annoying. A month went by and still nobody had said anything to us. My sister got engaged in January, and immediately everyone was blowing up her phone congratulating her and asking a million questions. It really hurt my feelings that she had every bit of attention and I had none. It wasn't her fault, but I still felt upset with her.

Kassi called me to talk to me because she knew my feelings were hurt. She tried to explain to me why more people were paying attention to her and not thinking anything about my engagement. She was going to get married that Septemeber and our plans were for more in the future, and she was also dating her fiancé for many years. I understood but it didn't make me feel any better about it.

I always felt like I was in the shadow of my sister. She was popular and I wasn't, she was the smart one and I was the dumb one. She made prom court in high school and had guys always chasing after her, and I couldn't even get a date. I just wanted to be in the spotlight for once, and it wasn't going to happen.
I couldn't blame her for any of it. She deserved the perfect engagement.

Valentines Day was only a month away, and I wanted to have the most romantic night with Dawson, so I got myself into an exciting state. I needed to ignore the engagements and focus on something else.

 Little did I know Valentines Day wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it to.

17. A Moment In Time

You would think that after so many terrible things happened, there would have to be an end to it. No, there wasn't an end to it.

Now don't get me wrong, we had some great times too. I'd like to tell you that he took me on many dates and bought me flowers all the time, and just surprised me with silly things like every girl wants in a relationship. That wasn't us. I paid 98% of the time if we went out somewhere. He didn't take me anywhere because he had no car. I'm not materialistic so things like that weren't too important to me at first. Dawson didn't buy me flowers or things like that because he never had extra money. He would cook for me and write me poems and that was enough for me. As long as I knew I was loved I was okay. Every time I would see him he would have the biggest smile on his face and hug me like it was the last time he'd ever see me. We had a lot of romance and love. We just didn't get the normal relationship like most people have.

By the time this thing happened with the incident at his work it was October of 2013, and we were together for just about 10 months. Dawson was different and he was having lots of kidney issues so I knew he was in pain and I never wanted him to fill his narcotic prescriptions so he wouldn't. Dawson was almost 4 months clean when he relapsed again. Now it wasn't a relapse in the sense that it was the time before but he did slip up and buy a few oxys off the street. He came clean to me about it on his own. He said his kidney pain was unbearable and he couldn't fill his prescription because I would get upset. He said he didn't buy them to get high and it was strictly for pain. Either way it was a relapse to him and to me. He was dependent on those pain pills and once it started it wasn't going to stop. I was glad he came to me before it got out of control again. I was also really upset because he had to start all over again.

Not too long after that Kyla asked me to come over her house to hang out. When I got there she said that she thought she was pregnant because she was late. We went to the store to get a test.
She was pregnant! I was so nervous for her but excited at the same time. We always promised each other that whenever one of us got pregnant the other would try. Only I knew I couldn't follow through with that promise. Dawson and I were not ready for a baby.

All of November Dawson and I worked on our relationship and our communication. We were getting along so well and we were happier than ever. Kyla was amazing during all of my issues with Dawson. She was always right by my side supporting me. Whatever I wanted that's what she wanted, and whatever I needed, she was there to help. When I needed to cry, she was there. When I just wanted to talk about how happy I was, she was there cheering me on. She truly was my biggest fan, and I was hers.

Both her and I wanted our boyfriends to eventually propose. She was having a baby with hers, but even without the baby he was the one for her. She wanting to marry him regardless. I wanted to marry Dawson, I knew that from day one. When you meet the one, you just know without any doubts.

December came before we knew it and everything was still going well. Kyla was just a month pregnant and Dawson and I were still going strong. I had a feeling Dawson was going to propose on our one year (December 28th). I was telling everyone that I felt like it was coming. Well everyone except for my family. I knew Dawson wasn't going to get my fathers permission and that definitely killed what I always hoped for, but life wasn't going as I planned and I didn't expect anything to pan out like I dreamt of. One thing I knew was that no matter how or when he proposed it was going to be special to me. I also knew that I wasn't going to get that dream ring due to our financial situation but that didn't matter to me either. I just wanted to marry him.

December 23rd came and we were going to go Christmas shopping at the mall. Dawson was acting really strange the entire car ride to the mall. I was worried something had happened and honestly it wouldn't of surprised me. Things were going so well and every time things were good, something ruined it.

We got to the mall and I parked. Dawson just got out of the car before I turned it off. I wasn't ready to get out yet so I took my time. When I got out I turned and shut my door, and when I turned to him he was down on one knee. I just started smiling because I thought he was screwing with me. He pulled out a box and looked at me and said
"This isn't how I wanted to do this, but I cant wait another day. Jenna, I love you and I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me?"
I was just smiling from ear to ear and I remember saying
"Are you serious, no this isn't real, wait are you for real?"
He said yes and I just asked him like 2 or 3 more times if he was serious. I didn't want to get too excited cause he had pranked me a few times in the past to make me thing he was going to propose.
He was still down on one knee and he said
"Baby its really cold can you please answer me?"
I just yelled yes, and there were two people across the parking lot watching. He put the ring on my finger and I didn't even look at it. I just grabbed him and kissed him about 100 times. This was the best moment of my life. It wasn't romantic in any way but he was the love of my life and I was engaged to him. When we got inside he asked me if I was going to look at my ring so I did and he apologized to me that it wasn't as big as I wanted but he told me we could trade up over time. I just told him I loved it and I didn't care because I truly didn't. The first thing I did was send Kyla a picture. She was so happy for me. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

We went into Finish Line and I threw my hand up in the air and showed Tim, he was so happy for us. Having that support was everything.

All of the hell I went through paid off and I could finally live out my dream with the man of my dreams. If I could go back to that day and just be there with him in that happiness and never let that go, I would.

That happiness and that security wasn't going to last once I had to tell me family. Telling them we were engaged, well that terrified me.