14. Facing Anger

I had to face Jay. I had to work with him. I had no choice.

Dawson no longer worked with me and that also crushed me. He was the only thing I enjoyed about work every day. He made work bearable.
Going to work was really difficult for me. I had only worked a day or two since everything had happened. Each day I had to go to work was a struggle. Everything there reminded me of Dawson. The first time we kissed. The first time we held hands. Even just falling in love, everything started at work. Now I had to work with the man who ruined my relationship. I blamed Jay for everything and I would never forgive him. I truly hated him, and I still do to this day.

I went into work and Jay was in the kitchen. I did my best to stay out of the kitchen and not to talk to him. When I would go in to pick up my food from the window, I would not look at him or acknowledge him. Every ounce of my body was just wanting to go crazy. I wanted to scream at him and throw things at him. I wanted him to quit so badly so I never had to see his face again.
I knew it was just a matter of time before I caught him sneaky around with drugs. So I waited till I had the opportunity to catch him. Every time he went outside for a smoke break I would time him or keep an eye out to catch him doing something.

My boss actually personally handed me the money Jay owed me days before pay-day. He told me that I shouldn't ever give a guy like that money and that he didn't want me to lose the little bit of money I had left and that he would take the hit.
So when pay-day came around my boss took Dawson's check and deducted all the money he owed everyone out of it. Turns out Dawson had borrowed money off of several people at work without my knowledge. So Dawson was left with about $180. I didn't think it was fair that they took the money Jay owed me out of Dawson's check and Dawson was furious over it. Dawson's brother was also a cook at our work so our boss gave the cash to him to deliver to Dawson. Dawson never saw any of that money because his brother never gave him it. He acted like he gave it to their mother to hold onto for him but when Dawson asked for his pay, they didn't have it and had no idea what he was talking about. I witnessed all of it and I couldn't even believe his brother would screw him out of the money that he worked over 45 hours a week for.

Jay got off scott free and that was complete bullshit. He ruined my happiness and I was going to make sure he couldn't be happy either. It didn't take long before Jay slipped up, maybe one to two days I believe. He told the bartender he was going outside and 15 minutes went by and he still didn't come back in. I told my boss how his truck wasn't there and that he left. I knew exactly where he was going. To buy heroin down the road from our work. When he came back he was questioned about why he left and he came up with a lie, but it didn't matter. He got fired.
I felt such a relief, he was gone and I could learn to be okay again. Dawson and I could try and fix things and I wouldn't have to worry about Jay getting in the way.

Dawson and I communicated as much as possible. He started his treatment which was outpatient and he went 3 times a week. He was doing great with it and he really felt like it was helping him realize why he ever started using to begin with. We needed to find him somewhere to live now that he couldn't pay another months rent. I called a good friend of mine, Kalina, who lived alone but had a spare room. She said he could move in as long as he did his part, kept drugs out of the house, and paid half the rent. It was perfect because it was right down the street from Rosco's business. Dawson had started that job a few days after Rosco brought him home. Once we found him a place, we had to talk to the landlords.

That was going to be a lot more difficult than I anticipated it to be.
They wouldn't return my emails, and when they did they were very short with me and rude. There was a loophole in the lease that if they told us to leave we could. In one of the emails our one landlord stated we could move out, but then the very next email contradicted the last one stating how we signed a lease and we cant just up and leave. I told the landlord we would be happy to go to court because I had email proof that they allowed us to void our lease. They had a tenant ready to move in but once it fell through they took back what they said. That wasn't our fault, they originally said we could leave and we would get back our deposit however it would be pro-rated. I had all the proof I needed to win the case if they did decide to take it to court. They ended up letting us void the lease after-all.

Moving the rest of the things out of the apartment was heart breaking. Just a month ago we were moving in and I was happy, and now its just an empty apartment filled with sad memories.

We were right back to square one, and I had to figure out how I was going to trust Dawson again.

13. Support

Walking up our stairs I was nervous yet anxious.

Dawson was sitting on the floor in the living room. He was covered in sweat and a little shaky. I asked him how he was feeling and he was honest with me. He barely slept, and he was in and out of the bathroom. It had been two days since he last used.

I didn't like seeing him this way but I knew this was just the beginning and it was going to get worse. Dawson seemed strong though, almost as if he wasn't scared as to what was coming next. He wanted to get clean and he wanted treatment.

I sat by his side and we just talked. I tried to distract his mind as much as I could. Staying with him all day just wasn't an option for me, I had to go to work but I told him I would stop by on my way home.

That evening after work I went over and he looked even worse.
He would be shivering and bundle up with a blanket and then all of a sudden be covered in sweat. He constantly had to run to the bathroom to throw up. It was a constant cycle of being cold, sweating, and using the bathroom. I cringed at this. It was horrifying to watch. I had never seen a person be so sick in my life. It broke my heart to witness it, but I had to stay strong for him.

 I would hold his hand or rub his back, whatever he needed me to do. I was going to be as supportive as I could be at that time.I made sure I went over each day, several times a day, even if it were just for a few minutes.

Withdraw is a dreadful thing to witness, let alone go through. I couldn't imagine how it felt to be in Dawson's shoes. Just seeing it gave me nightmares. There were moments that I thought he was going to die. I didn't even see every step of it because I wasn't with him at each moment, but the moments I saw can never be forgotten. The look on his face, the amount of tears he cried, that can never be forgotten.
 Dawson was physically ill for 6 long days. He was still going to go through withdraw symptoms for weeks to come but the worst was over with. I wish I could have been there every minute with him, and I still regret that I wasn't.

I understand he put himself in the position to go through it. I get that, but still to this day people ask me why I even feel bad about it. I sympathize for others, I have a huge heart. Good people do bad things. Sometimes those "bad things" take over their whole lives. That doesn't mean that Dawson didn't deserve just one person to love him and support him. He was my entire world, and my love was unconditional.
That week was exhausting. There are not enough words to describe the different emotions I went through. I knew Dawson still had a long road of recovery ahead of him, but he was trying. I was trying to.

I had a lot of challenges I was about to face. I had to figure out what I was going to tell my landlords. We didn't have rent and I needed out of the lease. I still had to face Jay at work. I needed to find a way to tell me dad I was seeing Dawson again.

Most importantly, I needed to forgive Dawson.....

    and that was easier said than done.

12. The Meet Up

Looking my dad in the face I stood there and lied.

I told him Miranda was picking me up and we were going out for some drinks. That wasn't a lie, because we really did go to the bar. I failed to tell him the reason we were really going out, and that was so I could kill some time before I had to meet up with Dawson at our apartment. I lied by omission and that was not okay. He is the greatest dad and he didn't deserve that. I felt like I had no choice though.

Miranda came and got me and we went to a bar that was just up the street from my apartment. We waited until Rosco text me to let me know they were almost there. I was so nervous to see him. Honestly I had no idea what was going to happen. I didn't even know if we would talk.

I wanted to just hand him the key and walk away. I wanted to prove to myself and to him that I meant what I said when we started dating.

When they arrived they text us to let us know. Miranda drove me down to the apartment, but she parked around the corner. She told me to take my time and that she would be waiting.
I got out of the car and slowly walked towards the apartment, and that's when Dawson stepped out of Rosco's car. I was shaking and truthfully I just wanted to throw up. We looked at each other and walked inside the building. We went into the apartment and I just sat the key down on the table. I looked up at him and in the light he looked awful. He started crying and he just grabbed me and hugged me. We both just stood there and cried. It was heartbreaking. This whole situation was unreal to me.
He told me he was going to get clean and once he detoxed he was going to go to treatment. I asked him how he was going to get clean and he just said on his own...I remember reading that withdraw can be extremely dangerous to go through without medication, so I was worried. He asked me if I could stay with him and I told him no. There was no way I could after what happened. My dad would never forgive me if I just went right back. I told Dawson I would come by the next day and be there for him as much as possible through this.

I wanted him to get clean. I wanted him to be the man that I met again. The guy he became the past few months is not the Dawson I fell in love with and I knew he was still in there.

 I told him we couldn't be together anymore. He just begged me not to leave him and I remember staring into his eyes and I felt this attachment, that I couldn't just give up on him. So I held his hand and looked him in the eyes with tears rolling down my face and I said that I wouldn't give up on him and that I loved him more than anything. I told him we were going to beat this together but he had to want it. Dawson just cried and was hysterical, he didn't want this life. He didn't want to be addicted to drugs, he wanted us to be together again. I wanted the same things more than anything.

There were three things I needed from him in order for us to get back together...
1. For him to get treatment and stay clean.
2. He needed to file for divorce.
3. Get his license back

He promised me he would do all three things. So I then promised him to stand by him thick or thin.
I had no idea what withdraw was like, and truth be told I was completely horrified of what was going to happen next. I was willing to go through hell for him because I honestly felt like he wanted to change his life for good. This man is the love of my life and I would be damned to let him go that easily.

I had to go home, it was getting late and Miranda was waiting for me. Dawson was shaking and crying and I didn't want to leave him. I kissed him on the cheek and told him I would be back sometime the next day.

Walking out of the apartment that night felt different. My heart was pounding and I just felt like this might be it for us. I didn't think he would make it to the next day. I was almost sure he would leave without a trace. Seeing Dawson that scared and alone hurt me more than I felt 3 days prior. His pain was almost a part of me, and to add that on top of my own feelings was unbearable. He needs me and I'm just walking away. I felt like I was doing something unforgiveable.

I was walking up the street and I just collapsed onto my knees and stared up into the sky and asked God why.
After several minutes I found the strength to get up and walk the rest of the way to the car. Miranda took me home and she barely said a word. She knew silence was what I needed.

That night was sleepless for me. I just worried for Dawson. He did text me throughout the night to let me know he was okay. He was very scared and sick, but I knew he would be there the next day.

The next morning I decided I needed to go see him but I was waiting till around lunch time. I needed to get my head ready for what was going to come next.
I knew he would be dope sick and I didn't have any idea of what I was about to see.

Noon came around and I headed over to our place. When I got there I stood in front of our door for a few minutes before going in. I needed to put my emotions aside to be the support system Dawson needed.

I took a deep breath and walked in..

11. Let Me Explain

Before I tell you any more of my story...let me backup and explain a few things first.

Everybody lies, and if they say they don't...they are lying.
I'm not perfect by any means but one thing I hate is lying. Yeah, I tell a few white lies here and there like I only had one cookie but secretly I had five. I don't lie about anything that would hurt a person. Besides, I'm the worlds worst liar. My family and closest friends can see right through me if I try and lie. So lying to my dad was not something I ever wanted to do.

Kyla is my longest friend. We met when we were 7 years old. We were neighbors and complete soul mates. We spent a couple years apart when she moved away but in high school we met back up and it was like we were never apart. She is an incredible person and was my support system throughout things that my family was not aware of. Anything I needed she was there. Sometimes I had to stop her from breaking a few jaws, but I couldn't be more lucky to have a friend like her.

Miranda and I have been friends since we were 14, we are now 25. She calms me down without trying. She has also always been there right by my side to let me vent to her. She never passes judgment on a single person. Miranda does whatever she needs to for me without hesitation.

Devlin became my friend when everything started to fall apart, and she's one bad ass chick. I cant describe her any other way. She's truly a blessing. She was like an angel that came to me when I couldn't see the light anymore. Devlin is the kind of person everyone wants to be, or at least be friends with.

My mom is amazing. She's one of the biggest influences in my life even though she doesn't know it. She loves me unconditionally and is completely open to anything I throw her way. She 100% supported my relationship, even though she wanted more for me.. I was happy and that's all she cared about. She welcomed Dawson with open arms from day one, till the end.

My dad is also amazing. He's one hell of a man to look up to. He definitely isn't like my mother. He is very old school and believes a man should take care of a woman and provide for her. He, just like everyone else in my family, wanted the very best for me. He knew Dawson wasn't that. I made my dad give him a chance, and with several attempts I finally got the opportunity. I don't want to say my dad "loved" him but I could tell he was warming up to the idea.

My sister, Kassi, is my best friend. Now I know I use that term a lot because I have a few best friends, but she really is my BEST friend. She has the most beautiful soul in the world. She is always there even when she says she wont be. I would kill for her and she would for me. So when I said my family wasn't as supportive/ accepting to me and Dawson it wasn't in a way like I didn't have them in my life through thick and thin because they were. It was that they wanted more for me and they didn't want to stand by and watch me destroy my life.

Now, I would like everyone to hear from my sister and understand her perspective on Dawson and what had happened in the 6 month span so far. I asked her to write something for this entry and this is what she had to say,

" I have to admit the change I saw in Jenna when Dawson entered her life was incredible. I remember when she came home talking about this new guy she liked but she felt torn BC she felt like she needed to try and make it work w her recent ex. She was like a little girl with a crush but wouldn't move forward yet. When she decided to start officially dating him....well, it made me happy to see her so happy. We (as in the family) weren't told anything about his past at first...I only knew he was 8 years older. I knew age was just a number but I felt Jenna wasn't really mature enough to be dating someone so much older....then little by little the baggage was revealed and I realized maybe Jenna was too mature and put together for him. As any normal, loving, protective sister would react...I was less than thrilled. Three kids to two women, still married, no license, on house arrest with the drug history and health issues....I was leery. BUT I trusted Jenna more than anyone in my life and I believed her when she told me it was JUST baggage and it didn't define him. However, even with the faith I had in my sister, I had my doubts. My best friend married a person with a similar past/present and I knew how miserable she was at times. I knew how often she would call me crying when things got bad and I didn't want that for Jenna. I also knew how deceitful addicts can be. They are the best manipulators and a big part of me felt Jenna was an east target. She was young, pretty and gullible. She saw the good in everyone and the worst of people can take advantage of that so fast. But - my sister was happy and she deserved just that. I buried my feelings and welcomed him into our lives. I included him in plans and family get together. Dawson was charming. Well put together, gracious, appreciative, respectful and attentive to my little sister. I must admit in the beginning I swallowed my own words....and for who knows me knows that's not something I do often. He was proving to me that rehabilitation works and life can move forward after terrible decisions have been made. The first six months they seemed perfect together. Granted in my eyes he still needed to make improvements like get his license back, move forward w divorce, make more time for his kids...but those weren't my fights to be had..more or less a mental checklist I made for him in order for me to feel he was long term worthy of my baby sister. I did feel 6mths together was too soon to move in together given the baggage, but who was I to judge when I moved in w my (now husband) after 3mths. I knew of a few disagreements they had but all in all Jenna kept the bigger issues from me...so when I received that call from her on my birthday... Something snapped inside of me that changed my views of him and them forever. I was there for her and did my job as a caring sister...but in a kind way I told her if she ever goes back I will no longer be there. This was too big of a screw up....he lied he stole and he used her. I said I would be there as long as she stays strong and far away from him.
A piece of me blamed myself for not standing by my worries or voicing them more to her; for talking our parents (more my dad than my mom) into trusting her and giving him a chance. I do know a piece of me lost respect for that friend for not telling Jenna more of the bad than the good. I had anger for her bosses, who were people in my life too, for supporting them. I was so angry and disappointed in Jenna for being so stupid and gullible.
The truth is...he fooled us all....we all let him."

I have the most amazing friends and family that a girl could ask for. With that being said, these people and their importance in my life need to be recognized before I tell any more of my story.

Things are going to be said and done that may reflect bad on them at that moment, but they didn't deserve any of it. I can not stress that enough. Without them, I'm not sure where I would be at this moment in time. I definitely wouldn't be writing this blog.

Everything I'm about to tell you is straight from my heart and the complete truth. It's painful and very much difficult for me.
I'm going to let you in and tell you everything.

10. Too Much To Handle

I cant remember exactly how I found out, but that part doesn't matter.

The money I lent to Jay for him to get "treatment" was actually money that he needed to buy heroin for him and Dawson. The sob story was a complete lie. I was shaking in anger. I went out to my work that day just to confide in the people that were closest to me and Dawson's relationship, my bosses.
I was hoping I didn't run into Jay because my blood was boiling and all I wanted to do was kill him. I blamed him for everything. Dawson wouldn't have ever of relapsed if Jay didn't start working there. I was in the office talking to my bosses when Jay knocked on the door and walked in. I looked at him and stood up and Gina, my boss, stood up too. She knew I was about to lose it. All I can remember was turning towards him and I launched at him screaming "you piece of shit!". Gina grabbed me and held me back away from him and yelled at him to get out. She just held me there as I cried hysterically. If it wasn't for her I don't know what would have happened but I do know that it wouldn't have made me feel any better. I still didn't have Dawson and hurting Jay wouldn't change that.

I went home and I still didn't know where Dawson was.

I had a voicemail on my phone that I did not notice till late.
It was Dawson and he said crying,

"I'm sorry I ruined 6 months of your life, I really did love you so much.. I'm so sorry I was stupid and pissed the chance away.. it was all my fault I don't blame you. I'm gonna stay here for a little bit and then I'm gonna leave when I  figure out where I can go..ok..none of this is your fault. I'm sorry.Bye."

                    -I still have that voicemail saved to this day. I guess I listen to it because it was the                      only time I felt like Dawson was truly sorry for hurting me.

When I heard that, I just knew he needed serious help. I called the number back and as it turns out it was his mothers house. He wasn't there but I was sure he would show up again, so I sent him a Facebook message telling him to call me as soon as he had a way.
While all of this was going on I had the support of my family and my two best friends, Kyla and Miranda.
Kyla loved Dawson and never judged him for a second based on his past, unlike my family did. She and her boyfriend at the time, now husband, always hung out with us. Same went for Miranda.

 Along with my friends and family, a girl I went to high school with, Devlin, reached out to me on Facebook. She told me about an old relationship she had that was similar. She told me that she understood how I felt and that if I needed anyone to talk to she would be there for me. She is now one of my best friends.


                   With all the support and love all these people gave me, I still couldn't walk away from Dawson completely. I knew its what I should have done, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  My dad didn't want me to even be talking to him. Every time I went somewhere my dad wanted me to text or call him or my mother to let them know I was okay. He wanted me far away from Dawson and wanted me to be able to heal.

I finally got ahold of Dawson the next day and we talked. I cried and he cried, but he still wouldn't tell me he was on heroin. He told me he had been abusing pills for awhile but he was not using heroin. I told him to stop lying to me because its too late for any more lies. I was already gone. He took a deep breath and he admitted it. He told me for awhile he was just using pills but that day Jay came over, the day I was suspicious of, was the day he started using it again. He told me Jay had brought over a few "stamp bags" and for  awhile he contemplated it because he knew once he did that it would all be over, but he couldn't say no. He said he hated himself for lying to me for so long about the pills and over small things that he figured it didn't matter anymore, he was going to lose me anyways.
I was speechless for awhile. I asked him if he would get help and he said yes.

I was in contact with Rosco, and Rosco was in contact with Dawson through these rough couple days. Rosco was going to pick up Dawson from Latrobe and bring him back to our apartment, but I needed to go to the apartment to let him in because I had the keys.

I was scared to see Dawson. After two and a half days away, walking around Latrobe, staying from house to house...most likely getting high, he was bound to look awful. I also didn't know how my heart was going to handle seeing him after finding out everything that I did. I was just planning on letting him in and giving him his key and walking away for good. I had to do at least that. I promised myself I wouldn't stay in the relationship if he relapsed and lied to me.

Not only was I struggling with the heartache of Dawson, I was struggling with the fact that I knew I had to lie to my dad. I couldn't tell him where I was planning on going that night.

I do not lie, that is not who I am or what I do. However, I would have done anything for Dawson.

The moment came when I had to tell me dad I was leaving for a couple hours. I hated myself for this, but it was just going to be this once.

I wish it would have just been that once.

9. Emptiness

I heard his voice, and for the first time ever I didn't recognize it.

Dawson sounded awful. He was like a completely different person. He immediately started yelling at me. He said he was coming home and there was no reason for me to have left him. He was also angry I took his dog. I asked him where he was and he wouldn't tell me. He yelled at me to bring his dog back. I said not until I know your back in town because I refused to just drop off Buddie at the apartment with nobody there to take care of him.

Dawson was getting more angry with me and said that he would come and find me and take back what was his. He was also threatening my family until he got what he wanted.

I just cried and asked him why he was doing this. He yelled at me and said it was because I was accusing him of being on drugs when he wasn't and I just ruined his life. I just kept repeating I know you are doing heroin again, just admit it so I can help you. He laughed at me and hung up.

I just paced back and forth in my room. I was so sick, I ran to the bathroom.
How did I end up here? When did my life take this turn?
I just had tears streaming down my face. My dad had left for a little while so I called him in panic. I told him that Dawson had just called and threatened me. My dad assured me that he wasn't coming anywhere near our house. That he was just trying to manipulate me.

It was late at this point and I was exhausted. I hadn't ate anything all day and I was in so much heartache that I was shaking and breathing heavy. I was insanely stressed out and somehow I fell asleep.
I woke up periodically through the night and consistently checked my phone just hoping the man that I once knew would call or text and apologize. I just wanted him to admit everything to me. He never did though.

The next morning I woke up very early. I had realized with everything that had happened the day before I completely forgot I had a job interview at Finish Line in the mall.
How was I supposed to pull myself together and go to this interview. There was absolutely no way I could do this. I knew I had to go, I needed a second job. I couldn't survive off of the money I was making.

I got dressed, put some makeup on and practiced a smile. I could see the pain written all over my face, but maybe someone that doesn't know me wouldn't notice.
When I got there, the store manager took me out to a bench in the mall and sat me down. His name was Tim, and he was very nice and made me feel comfortable. He was very personable and I didn't want to mess this interview up because he seemed like a great person to work for. I could tell I wasn't doing a good job, I felt distracted with Dawson in the back of my mind. I apologized to Tim at the end and told him I was normally a lot more peppy and that I was just having a bad day. He told me I seemed peppy enough and then asked me what was going on. I couldn't answer that question and lie so I just said oh nothing just some stuff. He asked me again as we walked back towards the store and for whatever reason I just told him exactly what it was. I told him I had moved back into my house yesterday because I found out my boyfriend was on heroin. He just looked at me and said oh my. He shook my hand and wished me luck and said he would be in touch.

Now anyone knows not to say things like this in an interview but I didn't have my mind right this day and I knew I had just lost that potential job.

I slowly walked to my car, it was almost like I could see myself walking. I felt like I wasn't in my body. Why did I say that? Couldn't I just make it through 15 minutes of acting normal?

I went home and crawled into bed and cried some more. That's all I could do. I still couldn't eat a thing. I was going on two days of not eating. I held Buddie and I remember saying to him..."At least I got you out of all of this"

I felt like he knew what was happening because he stared at me with these eyes that just made me think he understands. I missed Dawson so much, the way he used to be.

Dawson sent me random messages and each time the location was different. None of the messages told me any valuable information. Dawson wanted his keys back from me. I had his old house keys and his apartment key because he left them in my car. I didn't want to give them back because I knew once I did there would be no reason for him to talk to me anymore.

Drugs change people. They turn people into someone they're not. They destroy lives. My life was destroyed and I wasn't even the one taking drugs. I was in love with a heroin addict and there was nothing I could do about it.

I found out something that made me even more sick and I was about to go off the deep end.

Everything was spiraling out of control and there was no end in sight.

8. Shattered

Driving him to work that morning seemed as normal as any day. I couldn't have known what was about to happen.

Dawson had kidney issues for a long time before he met me. He had always developed kidney stones from calcium buildup. For a month before this day we had several doctor visits and hospital visits because of his pain. He had a prescription for oxycodone before that I wasn't happy about. I didn't think an addict should be taking any narcotics no matter how excruciating the pain. Dawson assured me he wouldn't become addicted again. He said that the pills weren't strong enough to even make him crave more. I believed him so he took them. He had been out of his prescription long before this day, June 16th, arrived.

Every day we spent in our apartment Dawson just slept. He didn't want to eat much or even spend much time together. He was moody a lot and I never knew what to expect. I spent a lot more time with Buddie than I did with him.

Dawson had to work at 9am and I was off that day. We were driving to work and he was complaining of kidney pain. I told him to just try and power through it and that we had a doctors visit coming up. We got into our work parking lot and Dawson asked me for $60 so he could get a pain pill. I just looked at him and said you are absolutely not buying pills off the street and in what world is a pain pill $60.  He tried to tell me that's how much they cost but I was well aware of how much pills really did cost. He begged me and I said no and did my best to talk him out of the idea.

I went home and got on my phone and made sure I told my sister Happy Birthday and my father Happy Fathers Day. Dawson then sent me a message asking me yet again for the money. He knew I barely had any money left after lending Jay money and he also knew how upset I was with him for even asking. He said he was going to get it one way or another. He was starting to sound crazy. I told him if he even took a step into the direction of getting pain killers I would leave him and that I wasn't joking. I also told him I knew he was using again and that pills don't cost $60 and it was obvious he was trying to score some heroin. He argued a little back and I just kept trying to get him to admit it to me.
 He text me back and he said and I quote..."Fuck you I just want to feel normal again"
I absolutely lost it at this point. I couldn't believe he just said that to me. What was that even supposed to mean?
I told him I was going to leave. I told him I said that from day one. He told me he was going to walk out of work so he could go get his pills.
I knew as soon as he said that he was truly about to quit his job, and once he walked out of that building I would have no way of communication with him. I could only talk to him through WIFI because he didn't have an actual phone. We only ever talked through Facebook messenger.

I felt my stomach in my throat. I was breathing heavy and couldn't think straight. My world was crashing down on me and I didn't know what to do. I text my sister and told her what was happening and she called my father. My father called me and asked what was going on and I just cried and said I think Dawson is on drugs again and he asked me if I wanted to come home and without hesitation I said yes. He told me to hold tight and he would be there as soon as possible.

I then called the owner of our work and told her what Dawson said because I knew she was about to have no cook at the restaurant. She told me to breathe and that she would send her son Alec over to help me move out. Alec was like a brother to me. I had known him for years and we grew so close.

There was a knock on my door and I opened it up and Alec was standing there. I collapsed into his arms. I couldn't stop crying. The pain in my heart was beyond repair. He just held me and let me cry.
Alec's mom had also called a close friend Andre to come help me as well. He showed up next, and then followed my dad. When my dad arrived, I just looked at him with my eyes bloodshot and watery. He looked back at me with this look on his face of anger and sadness. He was sad for me but so angry at Dawson. I knew he wanted to kill him for hurting me. We had packed up all my stuff and had it in all three cars along with my dads truck in the matter of 15 minutes.

I looked at my dad and asked him if I could bring Buddie home with me. I told him I didn't know if Dawson would ever come back and I couldn't just leave our dog their that I was starting to love very much. My dad let me bring him home with the intention of figuring out where Buddie was going to go next. It wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing and I knew that.
We got all my stuff moved back into my old room at home. I had left all the food, two plates, silverware, a pillow, blanket, and all of Dawson's clothing for him in case he did come back.

Alec and Andre went home. I sat on my bed in shock that just 2 weeks ago I was moving into my apartment excited to begin my future with Dawson and its now completely shattered. I had never felt pain like this in my life. I just cried and cried, my dad was next to me every moment of that day. It was Fathers Day and this is how my dad got to spend it. I hated myself for it.

I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think. I didn't know where Dawson was. I didn't know if he alive. I was heartbroken.

Heartache is real, its not something we make up because we are sad. Its real pain. My heart felt like it was going to explode. There were knots all through my stomach. I felt like I had no reason to be alive at this point. The pain that I was in was agonizing, and with every minute I didn't hear from Dawson it got worse. I looked at Buddie and I promised him no matter what happened next I would take care of him.

Hours went by and still I heard nothing from Dawson. I had left him several messages letting him know I moved out and that I took the dog with me. I knew he wasn't reading them but I couldn't stop texting him.

Later that night, my phone rang and it was a number I didn't know. It was Dawson.